- Disclaimer - Following is a roleplay written by the guy they call Kyle, and the same goes for the layout. If you should choose to read the following roleplay, beware that you may find extreme language, adult situations, crude humor, or anything you would find in your regular 'R' Rated Film. If you feel you can handle such themes, then please, by my guest and enjoy the roleplay, which is not associated with any wrestling organization. This roleplay is only made for fun and entertainment purposes.

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DIE! JEAN CLAUDE! DIE!

First & Current nEw Tag Team Champions; 7 - Time WWF Tag Team Champions

1-0-0

Rob Van Dam

- Next Match -

- Co-Main Event -
Christian vs. Rob Van Dam

Totally Bringing The Era of Awesomeness to New Era Wrestling!

.:.:[ The scene opens in the lobby of a large building in the heart of the Chicago, Illinois, also known to many as The Windy City. In this lobby, we find the newly crowned nEw World Tag Team Champions, the awesome duo of Edge and Christian, dressed in casual clothing, both wearing sunglasses, and of course, those coveted belts over their shoulders. But they're not the only noteworthy individuals here. 'The Above Average' Mike Sanders is also here, along with the massive brute, Brock Lensar. Yes, the entire Dangerous Alliance crew is here, minus the leader, Paul Heyman. Edge, Christian, and Sanders are all in conversation, as Brock looks on. Christian starts us off...  ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Alright, seeing as how we totally completed the injection of the kick ass, sweetastic, Era of Awesomeness, I say we're totally due for a celebration of extreme magnitutions of coolness! I mean, yeah, we're in the heart of the totally poverty stricken, crime riddled poor excuse for a city, Chi-CRAP-O, Illinois, but we can't let that stop us!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. I'm totally in agreement with you, Christian. ShowTime totally reeked of awesomeness! We walk in as 7-Time WWF Tag Team Champions, the most fightingest tag team champions in the history of the business, and the epitomizers of the word AWESOMENESS-

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. And we walk out as 7-Time WWF Tag Team Champions, the most fightingest tag team champions in the history of the business, he epitomizers of the word AWESOMENESS, AND the very first New Era Wrestling Tag Team Champions!

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. You know, I'd hate to break up this brag-fest... No, that's a lie, I'm loving ever second of breaking this up, but we have a job to do, boys.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Sanders, you are soo right! We totally have a radio station to take over! Alright, dudes, I think we should totally go over this plan again, so everybody knows EXACTLY what they're supposed to be doing.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Totally, Christian. This plan is so simple, Brock here can totally comprehend. All four of us storm the booth, and totally take over the radio station!

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. No, no, NO! This plan is too plain. Too simple. Too AVERAGE! My idea is definitely better than that lame ass plan. Besides, Brock here will do most of the work. I want a little piece of the action!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Dude, a plan is totally a plan, and in my opinion, this is a totally AWESOME plan! I mean, what's your damage, Sanders? [ Mocking Sanders. ] The plan is too simple, too plain, too AVERAGE. [ Stops Mocking. ]

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Sh-Yeah, Sanders, I mean, who in Bangkok do you think you are? Tom Sawyer?! Sanders, Tom Sawyer totally ROCKED, and dude, if you're trying to be Tom Sawyer, you definitely have some totally massive shoes to fill!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Mark Twain is a literary GENIUS, Christian! The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and the kick ass Adventures of Tom Sawyer, totally rocked the party that rocks the body!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. All hail to the author who totally reeks of high octane cool-osity, Mark Twain!

.:.:[ And yes, Edge and Christian perfectly execute the 'Edge & Christian' insanely enthusiastic high-five. Sanders playfully knocks his head back with the palm of his hand, then says... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. Look, Wayne and Garth, I'll do things my way, the above average way, and you two do things your way...

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Yeah, well, whatever, Flanders.

.:.:[ Mike Sanders exits through the front, as Edge and Christian shake their heads, definitely displeased with their new team mate, Mike Sanders. They now direct their attention to Brock Lensar, who just stands there, looking very intimidating as usual... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Uh... You don't talk much, do you, Brocky?

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Ah, I get it, Christian! He's totally the strong silent type. And, Christian, chicks totally dig the strong silent type.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Yeah they do. Brocky, you're totally smarter than you look. But, if I may lend a little TAA, short for, totally awesome advice, you might want to bring a serious close to the drooling.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Yeah, dude, that's totally NOT cool!

.:.:[ Brock looks at the duo with a great deal of intensity. You know, the look he gets just before he totally destroys someone. Edge and Christian wisely back off, shake their heads, and head for the elevator. Brock simply follows. Our scene re-opens on the fourth floor. The elevator doors slide open, and out pop Edge and Christian, all smiles. Christian adjusts his oversized sunglasses a.k.a., his Big Goofy Ass Sunglasses, and steps out of Brock's way, along with Edge. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Brocky, please, do the honors!

.:.:[ Brock comes racing down the hallway, then crashes into the door, completely ripping it apart, along with the red table cloth. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Disc Jockey ]:.:. What the F-[CENSORED]-?!

.:.:[ Inside, the disc jockey in the booth totally freaks out. Brock quickly lifts him up, and sends him flying into the many racks of cds and tapes. In step Edge and Christian, in awe of the power of Brock Lensar. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Christian, Brocky totally ripped through the door like he was the Kool-Aid Man!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Edge, I could soo go for a nice tall glass of Kool-Aid right about now.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Wouldya settle for sodas?!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Would I?! Do you even have to ask, mon frère? Sodas totally rule!

.:.:[ And yes, another 'Edge & Christian' insanely enthusiastic high-five. Edge now holds up one finger. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. But first, we have a radio show to take over!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Yeah we do!

.:.:[ As this happens, the DJ stumbles to his feet. He's an overweight guy, which is something Edge and Christian will no doubt make fun of. Brock just watches, waiting for him to make a wrong move. Edge and Christian take a seat behind the table where the radio DJ works his magic. Brock grabs the DJ by the throat, then shoves him into a seat in the corner. He stands over him, daring him to move. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Disc Jockey ]:.:. Look guys, the police are going to storm in here any sec-

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Would you pipe down, Fatty McGee? We totally have a radio show to do. Sheesh, the nerve of some people.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Truly. And you'd think he'd totally reek of jollification. I mean, after all, he is fat!

.:.:[ Now, a voice begins to shriek from over the radio waves. Edge and Christian take notice, then execute a classic and very enthusiastic 'Edge & Christian' hi-five, and slide the ear phones over their ears, and get this party started... So to speak. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Caller #1 ]:.:. Hey! DJ Slimmy? What's going on?!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. DJ Slimmy? [ Christian turns to the fat ass DJ. ] Dude, slim you are NOT!

.:.:[ Caller #1 ]:.:. Wait a second. This isn't DJ Slimmy! Who are you guys?

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. To answer this citizen of the totally UN-awesome Chi-CRAP-o's question, you are talking to the most awesome tag team in the history of wrestling, and the very FIRST NEW Tag Team Champions, and we'll totally be the last, because we're soo NOT losing these titles!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Totally, Christian!

.:.:[ Caller #1 ]:.:. Why don't you two LOSERS, put DJ- [*CLICK*]

.:.:[ In case you haven't figured it out, Edge and Christian totally hung up on that guy! ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Alright, let that be a lesson to all you other chump stains who plan to call in to talk to two dudes who totally reek of high octane coolosity, and are soo better than YOU! We will so not tolerate bashing of any kind, especially the kind that reeks of craptitude, about the NEW Tag Team Champions!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Sh-Yeah, you people need to totally direct all of that hostile energy to someone who truly deserves it... YOURSELVES, for totally reeking of craptitude to a level that can soo NOT be charted!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Now that we've totally gotten all of that out of the way, it's time to move on to things that totally matter, here on the bitchin' E&C Radio Show!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Christian, that totally ROCKED! 'The bitchin' E&C Radio Show!' We totally reek of awesomness!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Yeah we do!

.:.:[ And yes, another 'Edge & Christian' insanely enthusiastic high-five. Christian now continues... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Anyway, that matter, that totally matters, that I was totally referring just now, is MY match on ShowTime! And all the reekazoids who are tuned into this kick ass broadcast, this match will totally be nothing short of SWEETASTIC! Get this, The Epitomizer of the word 'Awesomness', Christian, is totally going to go one on one with the star of that kick ass movie, Blood Sport, Jean Claude Van Damme!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Talk about a must see match, Christian! You totally annihilating the star of Blood Sport is totally something EVERYONE should tune in to see!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Edge, I was totally in agreement with you until I considered that Van Damme is totally a sucktacular actor, and that he does all of those kick ass fighting maneuvers in his movies, and we ALL know movies are totally bogus! So, I'm totally thinking that either, A, [ Edge holds one finger up. ] Van Damme is a total faker and couldn't fight if his life depended on it, or two, [ Edge holds up two fingers. ] if he fights as well as he acts, he's totally going to get the curb stomping of his LIFE on Sunday. Either way, he who reeks of Awesomness, The Christianator, will totally annihilate that foreigner who's acting is totally craptactular on ShowTime!

.:.:[ Suddenly, through the window in front of the booth flies a body connected to a rope crashing through the glass, and landing just before the desk. Edge and Christian stand, and peer over the desk, lifting their sunglasses as they do it. It turns out it's Mike Sanders. Edge and Christian simply shrug their shoulders and sit back down. Edge then says... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Uh, you okay there, Sanders...

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. Uh... Just give me a minute or two. I'll be fine...

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Kick ass entrance by the way, Sanders!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Sh-Yeah, it totally ROCKED!

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. Uh... Thanks...

.:.:[ Sanders seemingly passes out, as Christian and Edge continue the show... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Anyway, it's about time those suit wearing hosebeats of the NEW, finally began to use their heads! I mean, Jean Claude Van Damme versus Christian, is totally a ratings getter! All hail the Commission-aire, Paul Heyman!

.:.:[ Sanders' eyes pop open. He sits up, and simply stares at Christian... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Dude, what's your damage?

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. Christian... Did you say you're taking on Jean Claude Van Damme on ShowTIme?

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Uh, yeah, AND? Dude, we're in the middle of a radio show here!

.:.:[ Mike Sanders ]:.:. Well, Christian, I think you should know that you're not facing Jean Claude Van Damme on ShowTime. You're facing Rob Van Dam!

.:.:[ Mike Sanders passes out once again, as Christian and Edge share a moment of disappointment. The kind of disappointment you get when Santa Claus' fat ass doesn't get you the present you've begged for since October! Screw Jolly ole' Saint Nick! ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Wait a second! Stop the presses, hold the phone, and get DJ Fat Ass over there a Slim Fast! I totally take back EVERYTHING I just said about those suit wearing hosebeasts of the NEW. Somethings totally NEVER change, and craptactular main event booking is one of them!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. I totally agree, Christian! Rob Van Dam! The same reekazoid that points to himself EVERYTIME he says his own name? Dude, what's up with that?!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Dude, if I knew, I'd totally tell you, and everyone of the reekazoids listening in, why he feels the need to point to himself EVERYTIME he says his name! Edge, that's soo lame. Rob Van Dam is a total Dorka-Saurus REX!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. I must say, Christian, this is a total downer from who I THOUGHT you were facing. And Christian, I'm sure this is a total downer for the fans of the NEW. I mean, let's totally be honest here, who wants to see an all out massacre of that chump stain, Robbie Van Winkle, thanks to the Christianator?

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. To totally answer your question, Edge-ster, NO ONE wants to see a match between the Christianator and Robbie Van Winkle, because it's like watching that movie Titantic, which reeked of Blockbusterocity, because you totally knew how it was going end!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Sh-Yeah, but somehow, I think there's ONE chunktoid who's totally clueless about how the story of Christian meets the Dorka-Saurus Rex Robbie Van Winkle, ends.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Yeah, and it's totally Robbie Van Winkle HIMSELF! Robbie, dude, I know you're listening. I know how much you totally dig fairy tales, like that lame ass story Goldielocks, or that craptacular story, Little Red Riding Hood. I mean, you like them so much, you like, totally act them out! Dude, here's a little T.A.A. from Christian, or, to the simple minded reekazoids listening in, Totally Awesome Advice, Robbie, GET A LIFE! [ Christian and Edge execute another kick ass enthusiastic E&C hi-five. Christian continues. ] Anyway, Robbie, let me tell you in on the end of a story that everyone so totally knows already, EXCEPT YOU! You see, to totally make a short story even shorter, The Christianator totally dominates Robbie Van Winkle, and then, by the match's end, Robbie Van Winkle receives the curb stomping of the lame little life he lives, which totally lacks coolness to the MAX!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Christian, that story totally rocked. It was totally better than the story about how we won the WWF Tag Team Championships SEVEN TIMES, and even better than when we became not only the first NEW Tag Team Champions, but also, the first NEW Champions PERIOD!

.:.:[ There's a short pause... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Edge & Christian ]:.:. NOT!!!

 .:.:[ Christian ]:.:. But a kick ass story nonetheless!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Truly, Christian. I mean, this chunktoid Robbie Van Winkle is totally more worried about your clothes, than the MATCH! [ Edge laughs. ]

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Totally, Edge! There are two things that totally show EXACTLY how pathetic Robbie Van Winkle is. [ Edge holds up one finger. ] Numero uno, Robbie Van Winkle is totally under the assumption that the way I dress will determine who wins on ShowTime! Sh-Yeah, as IF! And number two, [ Edge holds up another finger. ] Robbie Van Winkle is also under the impression that walking into store, totally talking the customers' and employees' ears off about the Christianator's clothes, and then destroying the store's kick ass E&C merchandise, is like, the 'IN' Thing. Dude, let me be the first to tell you that what you did was totally sucktacular and definitely lame!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Totally lame to the MAX! 

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. I'll keep this short, simple, and totally to the point, which is totally something Robbie Van Winkle, Captain Dense, totally has a problem with! While you're checking out the E&C merchandise, deciding whether or not my colors clash, or are totally to flashy for your taste, I'll totally be busy participating in your total annihilation! 

.:.:[ Button begins to glow on the DJ's desk. Edge and Christian examine it. Edge then presses the button. A voice now says... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Familiar Celebrity Voice ]:.:. Hello... Answer me!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Dude, what's your damage?

.:.:[ Familiar Celebrity Voice ]:.:. I have no damage... Is this Christian?

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Yeah, along with the Innovator of Awesomeness, Edge!

.:.:[ Familiar Celebrity Voice ]:.:. Yah, yah. Whateever. This is Jean Claude Van Damme. [ Edge and Christian gasp. ] Yes, that's right, Jean Claude Van Damme. 

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. You didn't happen to point at yourself when you said your name did you?

.:.:[ The Voice of Jean Claude ]:.:. No, and shut up! I have no probleem with you. My probleem is with... Christian.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. [ Mocking Jean Claude. ] I have no pro-BLEEM with you. My pro-BLEEM is with Christian. [ Stops mocking. Edge and Christian laugh. ]

.:.:[ The Voice of Jean Claude ]:.:. Laugh while you still can. I am only a couple of block away from the radio station, and once I arrive, I will surely keel you!

.:.:[ Jean Claude hangs up the phone. Edge and Christian looked somewhat worried. Ah, no, wait, they shrug their shoulders, and continue... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Edge, like that was really Jean Claude Van Damme. And dude, even if it was, it would be my pleasure to totally annihilate that chunktoid, and send a message to that reekazoid Robbie Van Winkle in the process!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. [ Edge distorts his voice. ] Well I dunno Daa-vey... [ And stops. ] I mean, Christian, seriously, that could have totally been Jean Claude Van Damme!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Edge, am I not the epitomizer of the word AWESOMENESS?! Believe me, I can totally take the guy who starred in that sucktacular flick 'Street Fighter'!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Too true, Christian. Street Figher totally SUCKED!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Dude, like a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner!

.:.:[ Suddenly, a voice is heard from the outside of the booth. It's Jean Claude Van Damme! ]:.:.

.:.:[ The Voice of Jean Claude ]:.:. Street Fighter was a mistake, my friend, but kicking your ass is something I doubt I'll regret!

.:.:[ Edge & Christian ]:.:. AHHH! It's Jean Claude Van Damme!

.:.:[ In walks Jean Claude Van Damme, as Edge and Christian stand, preparing themselves for a war. Christian walks over to Jean Claude, and says... ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Now, before I totally curb stomp you, you reeking foreign reekazoid, I'm giving you five seconds to apologize and totally make like a tree and leave. Okay... Five, four, thr- AACKKK!

.:.:[ Jean Claude Van Damme shuts Christian up with a stiff kick to the face. Christian swaggers to the right. Van Damme then kicks him in the gut. Christian falls to one knee. Jean Claude then knocks him to the floor with one hell of a round house kick. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Jean Claude Van Damme ]:.:. Let that be a lesson to you. You do not mess with a Van Damme!

.:.:[ Edge ]:.:. Ouch... That was totally B-R-utal!

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. [ Holding his jaw. ] Ouch! Dude, that was totally uncalled for! 

.:.:[ Jean Claude Van Damme looks like he may be regretting what he's just done. He tries to help Christian to his feet. As he does, Christian hits him with a low blow! Jean Claude's eyes roll to the back of his head, as Christian sets up, then executes the Unprettier on Jean Claude. Jean Claude's head goes crashing into the floor, making a sickening thud. Christian has killed, I mean, knocked Jean Claude unconscious! Christian jumps up, and he and Edge execute an extremely enthusiastic official 'Edge & Christian' hi-five. ]:.:.

.:.:[ Christian ]:.:. Let this be a lesson to that chump stain, Robbie Van Winkle! It totally doesn't matter if I'm sporting a tuxedo to the ring, a 'Moo Moo', or ANYTHING for that matter! Anyway you shake it, cut it, slice it, or take it, come ShowTime, score another win for The Epitomizer of the word 'AWESOMENESS' and the Dangerous Alliance, because I'm totally going to curb stomp Robbie Van Winkle a.k.a. The Five Star BITCH!

.:.:[ Christian slides of his 'Big Goofy Ass' sunglasses, then waves them into the camera with a smile, and puts them back on. The scene fades here. ]:.:.