Greatest wrestler in the history of the sport!
The scene opens in the Freeman Coliseum in San Antonio, Texas, the hometown of the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. It’s a packed house as everyone is in attendance in anticipation of the match to end the feud between Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone with Shawn Michaels as the Special Guest Referee. Some celebrities in the house are Carmen Elektra, John Stockton, and Gary Coleman. It’s set up like a low budget World Wrestling Federation event, which is expected considering the Texas Wrestling Alliance has much less money than that of the World Wrestling Federation. Shawn Michaels does try however, and this match can only be very beneficial to the company both financially and in terms of notoriety for the show Total Impact, the main Texas Wrestling Alliance event. The majority of the show has already passed and we have now come to the main event of the night, Dennis Rodman versus Karl Malone. Suddenly, the lights dim in the arena, and those infamous drums of the “Sexy Boy” Theme Song hit the speakers, as the crowd jumps to their feet for Shawn Michaels. Shawn appears from behind the entrance, dancing as usual, and acknowledging the cheering crowd. He’s wearing a light brown T-shirt with khaki shorts and a black hat in which he's wearing backwards. Shawn walks up the stairs, and dances as he moves along the ropes. He then steps into the ring, removes his shirt much to the approval of the women in the audience. Shawn begins to whirl around in circles, until finally stopping in the middle of the ring, and posing as fireworks shoot off behind him. The lights are restored. Shawn's music stops as he removes his shades, and places them in the hands of the ring announcer. Shawn then grabs the microphone away from the announcer.
Shawn Michaels: San Antonio! Are you ready for one hell of a main event?! Tonight, we have seen
The Audience: YEAH!!!
Shawn Michaels: Well then, let's get this show underway!
The "NBA on NBC" Theme Song hits the speakers as Karl Malone makes his way to the ring with black jeans and a Utah Jazz T-shirt as Shawn plays announcer.
Shawn Michaels: This contest is a grudge match between two basketball players who can't be like other players and settle their differences in the court of law. On his way to the ring, weighing in at who gives a crap, from Salt Lake City, Utah. The Jim Kelly of Basketball, Karl Malone!
The crowd begins to jeer as Karl Malone just waves them off. Malone enters the ring by way of the stairs, and waits for his opponent. Now, the theme song the Chicago Bulls played during their entrance during the championship years hits the speakers as the lights dim and the crowd rises to their feet.
Shawn Michaels: And now, the 6'9" Forward on both the Detroit Piston and Chicago Bulls World Championship teams, from Dallas, Texas, The Worm Dennis Rodman!
Rodman makes his way to the ring with pink fur on his shoulders and shades on with a top hat. The crowd cheers for Rodman who is obviously the fan favorite between he and Malone. Karl Malone steps out of the ring, and meets Rodman on the ramp as he makes his way to the ring. He hits him with a couple of rights, as Shawn calls for the bell after Malone slides Rodman in the ring. A camera joins Shawn in his place in the corner of the ring, lounging where the ropes come together to form the turnbuckle. Shawn turns to the camera and says...
Shawn Michaels: I guess you're wondering why I'm in this position. I mean, if you think about it, I'm in the way. One of these two competitors could Irish Whip the other into the turnbuckle, but wait, Shawn Michaels is lounging there. Here's why you're an idiot for thinking that. These two are rookies. There are so many ways you can attack your opponent it's not even funny, but these two basketball players are going to brawl all over the arena before it's over with. I know wrestlers. When I step into the ring with an opponent, I already know your limits. I know what you can and can't do. Therefore, I will vary the way I come at you according to your abilities, limitations, and so on. Take for instance, Kane. Now Kane is a seven footer who weighs over three hundred pounds. I don't think I'll hit this guy with a backbreaker, but do I think I will incorporate new moves into my repertoire. Powerful moves are suicide against a guy like this, so in a match with Kane, you'll see vintage Rocker from HBK. I'll hit him with an arsenal of quick moves, and I'll come off the turnbuckle frequently. Since Kane is a big man, I'll take out his legs. When I knock his big ass off his feet, I'll apply a Figure Four Leg Lock to him, or maybe even a Sharpshooter. I'll do whatever I can do nearly cripple the Big Red Retard. Here's another example. Chris Jericho will also be participating in the rumble, and now that I think about it, I haven't said a word about Y2J. Looks like I'll be killing two birds with one stone here. Chris Jericho is smaller than I am, so in a match with him, I'll definitely hit this guy with a backbreaker. I'll probably add a stomach crusher, and even a Northern Lights Suplex. Bottomline, in this match, I do the exact opposite of what I'd do in a match against Kane.
It makes sense doesn't it? While I could go after Jericho with a quick move arsenal, it wouldn't be as effective as a powerful move arsenal. You have to slow a guy like Jericho down. It's easy to do that too. Then there's Buff Bagwell. He's right between Kane and Jericho, so in a way, I'm dealing with someone who is about the same size or maybe a little bigger. This is where HBK shines the most. This is when I put on some of the most memorable matches in the history of the sport. I love wrestling a Buff Bagwell, a Bret Hart, a Rock, or a Stone Cold Steve Austin, because every bit of my ability can be included in the match. I can hit them with some powerful moves and at the same time I can hit them with quick moves. This is obviously bad news for Buff Bagwell if he decided to cross me. You see, if he decided to cross me, I'll prove just why he's not The Stuff, and just how rough Shawn Michaels gets down. Bagwell, you'll probably be knocked out rather quickly in the Rumble. That's fine, because I honestly feel that my efforts can be used on a much more formidable opponent than you. You see, I honestly believe you're one of the worse wrestlers in the Royal Rumble. You haven't given me any reason to think otherwise. You have been quite unimpressive in your run here in this federation, and believe me, I have been watching. I have been watching as you have bored the crowds on countless occasions with your mediocre World Championship Wrestling skill. WCW can do that to you. Just ask Kevin Nash or Scott Hall. Even ask Hogan... Well, don't ask Hogan. Well, you can, but he's an extreme case of how one can suck when he enters through the doors of World Championship Wrestling. Hall and Nash need to get their asses back over to a winning side.
You see, Bagwell, Kane and Jericho have something in common. They're all one dimensional wrestlers. Bagwell is a wannabe technical wrestler which is the worse kind, Jericho is speed all of the time, and Kane is power all of the time. All of the wrestlers on the roster have this problem. They have locked onto a certain style of wrestling which makes them pathetically predictable. That's why guys like me will kick their ass every time under fair circumstances. Wait a second, there's only one guy like me, and he's me. You see, guys like Kane and Jericho are a dime a dozen, but wrestlers like me come once in a lifetime. So, enjoy it 'cause you'll never see another one like me. Now, it's obvious that I'm a veteran in the sport. I have given my game plan for tending to one of the smallest men in the rumble and the biggest. Do you think I care? Kane and Jericho both have copies of this segment. I want them to know what I'm going to do to them, so when I do it, it'll make them truly realize just how much better I am than them. I'll give them this though. They're much better than these rookies here. Rodman and Malone? Hell no! I'm talking about Eric Nowski and NailZ. Who are these guys? Hey, have you noticed Eric Nowski looks a lot like Rey Mysterio Jr.? Weird, huh? Anyway, these two rookies don't have much to offer, I can already tell. They've racked up losing records in this place since the day they arrived. They've put together some of the most boring segments I've ever seen. "An Interview From the Cottage House"? President Blowa said it was "alright", and you were ticked off? Hell, Jackson, I would have laughed at your ass and told you it sucked. Nowski? Where they hell did you get a name like that? Did Blowa pick that name for you when you first signed for character development purposes? Think about it... Blowa. 'Nuff Said.
So what makes this guy think he can win the rumble? Well, I know why he thought he had a chance before Raw Is War. You see, that was before I came back to the world of wrestling just in time for the Royal Rumble event which will determine the undisputed World Champion. Who better to fill the bill than ole' HBK? I'm sure you agree, Nowski. You can only dream about being the World Champion... Literally! In one of your segments, you were saying you had a dream about beating the former World Champion ChainZ. Sounds like something I would say at the age of eight. Now, I'm a grown man. I'm the best damn wrestler in the industry. I don't have to dream. I haven't had to dream since the mid nineties. When I want something, I go out and get it, and there's not one person who can stop my from realizing what I sat out to do. You're somewhat of a modest wrestler, Nowski. That's good. Damn good, because I'm tired of wrestlers who act like they're so much more than they are. There are some wrestlers who are far more arrogant than I am. Yeah, I'm serious, but here's what sets me apart from those guys. I have every right to be arrogant. Actually, I'm so damn good that my arrogance is actually still on the level of confidence. Nowski. I'm tired of talking about you, about as much as the fans are tired of seeing you in the ring stinking up the place at every Smackdown! 2K event. Like I said to Diamond Dallas Page, I will run you out of this federation.
Dennis Rodman Irish Whips Karl Malone to the turnbuckle Shawn is lounging in. Shawn flips over the turnbuckle, before male can make contact with him. Catlike, Shawn lands on his feet, which is pretty impressive to the crowd as they applaud the move. Shawn smiles and waves to the crowd, not knowing that Malone has just been tossed over the ropes. Karl Malone lands on Shawn, sending Michaels to the floor. Shawn pushes Malone off him, then looks to the cameras with a pissed look on his face. Shawn rolls to his feet, and begins to count out Malone at a rapid pace. Rodman jumps out of the ring, and walks Malone over to the announce table. Shawn restarts the count until he notices Jenny McCarthy in the audience. Shawn steps over the security, and makes his way over to Jenny with a microphone in hand. One of Shawn's security personnel tosses him another microphone. He then hands it to Jenny.
Jenny McCarthy: Okay, if I'm not mistaken, aren't you supposed to watching the match, making sure everything is legal and whatever?
Shawn Michaels: What? You don't want me over here talkin' to you? What's with the attitude, babe?
Jenny McCarthy: I don't have an attitude, buddy!
Shawn Michaels: Oh c'mon Jenny, you can't lie to the Heartbreak Kid. Wait... I know where the negative vibes are coming from. You're still mad at me about Wrestlemania 11, right?
Jenny McCarthy: Mad? Not mad. Just a little disappointed. I was the rebound Shawn. You wanted Pamela Anderson, and when you couldn't get here, you came after me.
Shawn Michaels: Listen babe, you are so more hotter than Pamela, it's not even funny. I mean, I was a fool to want her fir- Wait a second! You were the one who ditched me after I lost the match. You were my valet. You should have come with me to the back and help me get over that loss with, well, you know.
Shawn extends his arm, and places it around her shoulder. Jenny grabs his hand, and removes it. Shawn rolls his eyes, as the crowd has pretty much forgotten about the match, and is concentrating on the match.
Shawn Michaels: Why are you acting like this? I know why you came here tonight.
Jenny McCarthy: Okay, I'll play your little game, kid. Why did I come?
Shawn Michaels: You came to see me-
Jenny McCarthy: Ha!
Shawn Michaels: I'm wrong?
Jenny McCarthy: Uh, yeah! Get a clue, Shawn.
Shawn Michaels: Okay, babe. I got it.
Shawn stands up, and begins to walk away, until Jenny grabs his hand, before he can get started. Shawn stands as she stands up. Stare into each other's eyes, then Jenny places Shawn's face between her hands and lays a big long kiss on Shawn Michaels! The crowd goes crazy in cheer! Jenny stops, and Shawn backs away with a huge smile on his face. He then makes his way to the ring by which he came as all of his fans around him pats him on whatever they can pat. Meanwhile, in the ring, Dennis and Karl are killing each other. Both men are down in the middle of the ring, as Shawn has just discovered that they laid each other with chairs. Shawn takes his place on the turnbuckle again, after handing his microphone to a security guard, when Michael Cole steps up the steel chairs. He and Shawn exchange a few words...
Michael Cole: Shawn, aren't you going to count?
Shawn Michaels: Nah. I'll give the fans a chance to go to the restroom and whatever. It's like in the Smackdown! 2K when NailZ wrestles. The stands empty into the restrooms and concession stands. It's this federation's way of saying they care. I guess you need those types of wrestlers. The ones that when they perform provide a break from a long event. Other than that, I don't see what this guy is good for. Is he the break in the middle of the Rumble? I think having those breaks are fine when it comes to regular shows, but this is a pay-per-view. I don't think it's good for business to have someone as boring as he in the rumble stinking up the place. Oh well, I guess that's why I'm going to be there. I have a reputation for making any match, good or bad, better than it really is. With guys like NailZ and Eric Nowski, it looks like I have a lot of work to do. What gets me about these rookies most is their names. I have already said my piece on Nowski's name, but what about NailZ? And what's with the big 'Z' at the end of the name? It's just like that joke of a champion's name, ChainZ. I tell ya, the creativity of these rookies is appalling. Or, in the words of those jive turkeys over there on the eastside, it's a damn shame. Y'know, now that I think about it, NailZ lost to Hardcore Holly. Hardcore Holly?! Oh c'mon! When you want to know if you suck, wrestle Bob Holly. The outcome will determine if you suck or not. You see, if you win, it doesn't mean you're good, but at least you know you don't suck. Now, heh, if you lose. You suck. And when I say you suck, I mean you suck more than a vacuum cleaner in overdrive. NailZ, let me be the man to remove you of any doubt you had about just how good you are by ensuring you that you suck.
Now, I think Hardcore Holly is the one man I haven't said a word about in regard to the rumble. He's the last guy I have to mention. Holly, wipe that smile off your face. You're not important. You never were. You've been around a while, but you have yet to amount to anything. When are you going to take it to the next level? Don't answer. Please, allow me. Never. You will never take it to the next level. You don't have the talent. Sure, you have a varied arsenal, but the problem is you don't pull the moves off crisp enough. You don't have enough strong and impacting moves, Holly. You're just not good enough, and you have the audacity to enter the Royal Rumble. The very fact that I'm going to see you in the Rumble sickens me. When are you going to retire? People are tired of you, man. I'm not lyin' to ya'. How about you hang it up after the rumble? C'mon. Do the federation a favor and quit. That'll give the federation a chance to replace you with a much better athlete and perhaps someone who can actually do something with his spot on the roster. Now, I know about your little hardcore conquests. If you win the title, more power to ya'. But you know where I stand. I honestly don't believe you have a place here. So, like I told Diamond Dallas Page and Dirk Nowiski, I mean Eric Nowski, I'm going to run you out of the federation, as soon as my schedule opens up.
Now, onto Millennium and The Undertaker. Man, haven't these guys had enough. And guess what, they actually did a segment out of the ring! Wow, they do listen to me. That just shows me that everything they do is to top me or to impress me, but they're unsuccessful every single time they try. Then, they sympathize for Michael Cole. Michael Cole, you suck man! I bet I'm gonna hear from them about that. It's almost as if The Undertaker and Millennium are trying to play house, and they think I'm their son. Look guys, you can play husband and wife all you want, but just because I'm the Kid, doesn't mean I'm your kid. Mind your own business. If I want to make someone look bad, including you, it's my business. Also, you addressed what I said about you guys sounding like twelve year olds. Now you sound like you're thirteen. Keep up the good work. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day, you'll get better. Another thing that I find funny is you two grown men crying to the Acolytes about what I did to you. How about getting even? No. Okay. I guess all you want to do it bitch then. Well, bitch on your own time, and not when you're trying to address me. I can go on and on about you guys, but I'm about to come to a close here. Farooq, a tough guy like you? You watch The Nanny? Wow, that's an abrupt change in character.
Michael Cole: Seems like there was a great deal wrong with their segment.
Shawn Michaels: You damn skippy, Mike Cole. Like take for instance what Millennium said. How the hell am I in for a Culture Shock? Does that guy even know what that means? Ignorant bastards. I can't say I'm not liking butchering them like this. It's almost as fun as kicking their asses. However, not quite. The Undertaker wants to take care of Shawn. Well, I didn't know you cared, Taker. Really though, all of you, shut up. Really, just shut the hell up. You're talking a lot, but you won't back it up. Me? I talk a hell of a lot, but everything I say is the truth, and you know it. That's why all you can do is nitpick on every little thing I do, but nothing that I say, because every bit of what I say is the truth. Even the guy you beat up in the bar. He was speaking truth, but you couldn't take it. Well losers, I'm not so easy to beat up on. Something else I noticed, Shawn Michaels is one man, and one man alone, while The Taker and Millennium are about one and a half. They have now enlisted the help of Farooq and Bradshaw, seemingly to take out The Heartbreak Kid. You guys are the biggest cowards in this federation. Taker, Millennium, you two come after me yourself. Don't call friends to help you out. Not that it matters. I'm telling you not to do it to save what little reputation you have. If you guys try to cross me, any one of you, I'm coming after all of you. I'll be nice though, and let you make the first move.
Michael Cole: You do know they lost to Edge and Christian, right?
Shawn Michaels: What?! Are you serious?!
Shawn and Michael Cole begin to laugh hysterically. At this time, Rodman and Malone has gotten up from the chair shots. Dennis Rodman is tossed into the ropes near Shawn, which shakes the turnbuckle that he's rested on. Shawn falls off, then stands up quickly, trying to end the embarrassing moment as quick as possible. Karl Malone clotheslines Rodman to the canvas. Shawn gets back into the match. Rodman gets back up, and body slams Malone. He then gives him a leg drop. Rodman gets up and gets into Shawn's face. Shawn pushes him away, and Rodman then trips over the fallen Karl Malone. Malone then takes the opportunity and rolls Rodman up for the pin. Shawn gives an extremely fast count three count, and then calls for the bell. The crowd boos, as Rodman gets up furious. Trash is thrown into the ring as Shawn simply laughs. Rodman tries to punch Shawn, but he ducks, then lands "Sweet Chin Music" on Rodman. Malone looks at Shawn, then shakes his hand. Shawn takes Malone's arm, whirls him around in an arm bar, then whips him into the ropes. Shawn follows up, and clotheslines him over the top rope. Shawn puts his hands in the air as his music hits the speakers. The scene fades there.