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Here's the truth of it all... You don't! The scene opens in Inglewood, California. Night has fallen over Los Angeles, as the city is recovering from an incredible New Year's Celebration. The world has entered into yet another year. This year marks the true beginning of the millennium, which sets it apart from the years we have grown accustomed to, however, one thing remains the same, people are still making resolutions, promises, marking eras, and what have you. This has become a tradition, especially here in the United States. The problem is, no one follows through with the resolutions they make. Well, it wouldn't be right to say no one. Because while we have wrestlers marking the year 2001 as their year, we have one man who has been there, and done that. The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels who is scene here in the Staple Center, the home of the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. Shawn is seated on the floor level in the front row of the stands. It's a nearly sold out arena, a tip off between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Utah Jazz has already occurred. Shawn is seated behind the visiting team's bench, wearing a black suit, along with a red shirt, with a cowboy hat rested on his knee. To the right of him sits Jack Nicholson, who is a regular at Laker games, and to his left, two seats down, sits the very beautiful Carmen Elektra. Shawn looks to the camera with a sly smile on his face as he turns to the woman closest to him. Yet, before he can grab Carmen's attention, his arm is grabbed by someone who has not fully entered the screen. The camera zooms out, and the man who is responsible for grabbing the Showstoppa's arm is the annoying Michael Cole. Shawn turns back around with an annoyed look on his face, and says... Shawn Michaels: You have got to be kiddin' me. Of all times, now? Michael Cole: Maybe I didn't catch you at one of the worse times after all. Shawn Michaels: Since when did you get a pair of balls, Cole? Michael Cole: No- Shawn Michaels: So you don't have a pair of balls? Michael Cole: I didn't mean that! Look behind you. Shawn turns to where Carmen is sitting, and she has now been joined by Dennis Rodman. They're both talking amongst themselves, as Shawn turns back to Michael, and takes a seat. Michael Cole says... Michael Cole: Giving up on her, huh? Maybe- Shawn Michaels: Are you kiddin' me? I'm the Heartbreak Kid. I'll have her by the end of the night. I don't act on impulse. I strategize. We have a lot of wrestlers in the business who act before they think. I think before I act. So, maybe that's why I'm a cut above the rest. Well, it could be my overall skill. Or maybe it's my dashing good looks. Nah, it's probably my charisma. Well, I guess there are a hell of a lot of things that make ole' HBK that damn good. So, what's up Cole? Michael Cole: Well, your recent signing with the federation has been big news throughout the wrestling world. Shawn Michaels: Well, duh, Michael Cole. Maybe in my time away from wrestling, you have forgotten just who the hell I am. Michael Jordan has retired from the game of basketball. He is the greatest player to ever grace us with his presence on the court, like I'm the greatest wrestler to ever grace us with my presence in the ring. Michael Jordan has already passed the torch. And so did I. Michael passed the torch to not one dominant player, but to Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter, and Jerry Stackhouse, and Allen Iverson. I passed the torch to Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H, and The Rock. Here's where I'm set apart from Jordan. I've comeback to reclaim that torch. I have come back to show the wrestling world that ole' HBK still has some gas in the tank. In my absence, wrestling is no more. It has now turned into a bunch of crap. There's not a man in the business right now that can put on a show like The Heartbreak Kid. I have the gift, Cole, nobody does it better. Now I can talk and talk and talk, but the question lingering in your mind, "Can he return to his former self?", will not be answered. It won't be answered until I show you just how damn good I am. It won't be answered until you realize that The Heartbreak Kid is still the Showstoppa, The Main Event, The Icon of Sports Entertainment, and that a guy like The Rock or Kane can't hold a candle to my greatness. Like it or not, The Heartbreak Kid is back in the saddle, large and in charge, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Michael Cole: Millennium had some words for you Shawn, and I'm sure you're aware of this. Shawn Michaels: Oh yeah, I know exactly what he said, and what he had to say made me realize why he's a nobody in the wrestling word. Let's analyze his little rant on the Heartbreak Kid, shall we? We start off with the crowd booing after he mentioned my return. Hmm... It's funny how when I did it, the crowd cheered like crazy. Now, let's think about this, we don't know where or what arena those three were in or how big it was. I think it's safe to say that the audience was filled with a bunch of rednecks in their support. Then he says I'm gay. That's real mature, about as mature as his wrestling game. I think it's a bit of jealous. He even called my dances homosexual, and my moves too? That's real smart, Millennium. Feel the sarcasm. Millenium, don't hate me 'cause you ain't me, kid. And as for that "ass-screwing" crack, it's been scientifically proven that when one accuses another of having such a sexual act happening to them, that in fact, the accuser had experiences of that himself. Now, I'm well aware of the fact that you're a total nimrod, so let me break that don't for your ignorant ass. All it means is that as a kid, your father banged the hell out of you, and you accuse other people of it, so you can relate to them. I'm sorry Millenium, but out of the people in this company, you're the only one with those problems. Seek counseling. Michael Coles laughs a little, as Shawn smiles, then continues... Shawn Michaels: Millennium, you can say I'm boring all you want. It's no secret that the wrestling world feels different about it, 'cause I'm a freakin' superstar, unlike yourself. I guess I'm doing something right? Maybe I'm just that good looking. You don't so, but why the hell should I care how you think I look? Maybe I'm just that skilled in the ring, but you say my moves are... retarded and homosexual? You sure do use the terms homosexual and gay freely in your description of people. That doesn't say too much for you, kid. Millennium, you, The Taker, and Jenna are one of the worst factions in the history of this sport, second to this joke of a New World Order we have running around here. All three of you are inarticulate. Don't know what that means? Read a freakin' book, morons. And if you don't believe me, just look at your segments, and watch how many words you mispronounce. Here's an example where The Undertaker just screwed up the English language, trying to prove a point. This is the Taker quoted exactly... "Cause when this American Badass egs in the ring I mean buisness and your a game to me boy". When The American Badass egs in the ring? Is that a new term for taking a crap or something? And you guys want me to believe a crowd is actually cheering for you?! Ha! This little bit almost proves that you filled the crowd with your supports. All thirty of them. Now, I'm not gonna lie. I don't care whether or not the fans cheer for me, but it does make me wonder that they cheer for me at all times expect with you guys. I know you guys are as dumb as a post, but tell me, does that make any sense? I didn't think so. I'll speak on The Taker a little later. I'll have to bring this to a stop, because I can go on and on about how these three are total idiots. Michael Cole: The Royal Rumble is right around the corner and here at the Smackdown! 2K, we have a large amount of ready and able wrestlers who could very well topple you in the Roy- Shawn Michaels: Ah, that's where you're wrong. I was with you until you said that one of these "ready and able" wrestlers could defeat me, and win the Rumble. What you must understand is I am The Heartbreak Kid. Do you know what that means? Don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna tell ya'. That means I don't lose. I win. I'm a born winner. I'm the best damn wrestler in the history of sports entertainment. Do you think like The Rock can beat me? You're a crazy man if ya' think that. Or maybe, maybe you're just an idiot. I dunno, you make the call. But the point I'm trying to make is a guy like The Rock cannot hang with the man who dominated wrestling for consecutive years. Yeah, that's right, you're looking at that man. The Rock is a chump. Do you want a chump as a World Champion? At The Royal Rumble, I'm going to exposed Rocky as the chump he is. I’m sure he’s lost his fan base, thanks to my return for one reason. And another reason, no one wants to cheer on a loser. The Rock is not one of your most accomplished wrestlers. An elbow drop for a finisher? What gets me is that this elbow drop is not even from the top rope, so I ask you, what kind of damage is this really doing? And why do the victims of this move just lay there. I’m sure you can move a little while that idiot is dancing around the ring, and jumping from rope to rope. I could. Yes, I bet you I could! The Rock has a ten move, move list. At the top of this list we have The People’s Elbow. I have already expressed my feelings on this move. Rock Bottom? Pretty good move, but not good enough to keep me down. Spine buster? What the hell? Get real, people! DDT? Everyone in this federation and their mothers can carry out that move. Clothesline? I’ll reverse it, and kick him in the teeth. Well, I could have sworn he had ten moves. I guess I doubled it, huh? Figures. He has five moves. Five legitimate moves. I can’t tell you how hilarious this is. This is a man fit for a World Champion? I beg to differ. He has more catch phrases than he has moves. Now that I have stumbled on the subject of his catch phrases, have you ever seen a man say the same thing over and over again so many times? Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a walking, talkin’, broken record. Michael Cole: So I take you don't like The Rock. Shawn just looks at him, then shakes his head. Shawn Michaels: No, I think The Rock is a great wrestler. He's incredible. Michael Cole: Okay, that was a dumb question. I'm Sorry. Shawn Michaels: I know. I'm not a large man, Michael Cole. That's what makes my greatness all the more sweeter. I kick guys' asses who are twice my size. There are wrestlers who have underestimated me because of my size. The problem with them is they're nothing but size, and no brains, like The Rock. Using my head, I can find a way to send that 6'5" goof over the ropes, 'cause I know I won't do it with brut strength. That's common sense. I'm 6'1", 227 here. Michael Cole: What about Jeff Jarrett? Shawn Michaels: What about him? Do you think he has a chance to win the Rumble? You poor pathetic son of a bitch, Michael Cole. You're out of your mind. If I don't knock his ass out of the ring, someone will. I'll tell you what, if I get my hands on him, I'm kicking his red-neck ass, and there's nothing he, that fat ass, or his steroid junkie friend, Scott Steiner, can do about it. New World Order? I remember when Scott Hall and Kevin Nash were the leaders of this group. Now, the NWO has Jarrett, Rikishi, and Steiner? Damn, that's a shame. Jarrett winning the Rumble? Jarrett has a couple of moves, but no of which are anything special. Who ever heard of a Front Russian Legsweep as a finisher? He won't pull that crap move, The Stroke, on me. That's for damn sure. I doubt he'll even get a move off against me. Jarrett has all the stroke, huh? The only thing he's stroking is his dick, that masturbating bastard. Jarrett, The Heartbreak Kid is coming, not to play, but to kick your ass. The Royal Rumble is mine to lose. I have all the talent and ability to come out on top in this match, and the only person standing in the way of me winning is myself. Steiner can't stop me, and nor can you. I'm the Heartbreak Kid for goodness' sake! Winning just isn't natural for me, but if you do decide to come after me, you'll get used to losing rather quickly. I will make you time here in this federation a living nightmare or hell, which ever you prefer. My advice to you, take your ass kicking like a man, then walk away, never crossing me in your life! 'Cause if you do... Heh, I feel sorry for you. Okay, and then there's the Big Red Retard, Kane. Hmm... I have to be honest, he could be a problem. The solution? "Sweet Chin Music". Always remember, Cole. When in doubt, Superkick the problem, and it goes away. Since Kane has become more "human", he's lost his edge. I remember a time when this guy would kick out of anything, or get up from anything. He was that powerful. He was incredible. Now that's he's learned how to talk, he's lost the edge that made him the Big Red Machine. He's weaker than he's ever been before. He'll come to realize quickly that I have never been stronger. I have come back to wrestling in top form. I'm already the best damn wrestler in this place, so the following is really bad news to a guy like Kane... I get better and better after every segment I give. I get better and better after every day that passes. You see, if you're not getting better, you're getting worse. That's why The Heartbreak Kid can always elevate himself to the next level, and defy all odds. I'm the Michael Jordan of wrestling. I'm the Wayne Gretzky of wrestling. Hell, I'm the best damn thing that's ever happened to the sport, and I just get better and better. Damn... I'm good. Kane, I'm sorry pal, but Shawn Michaels has hit the seen. This is my federation now. You once owned it. Yeah, and you knew you owned it. You knew you were above the competition. But since my arrival, you have been shoved into the back seat, along with all of the other rejects in this federation. Rejects like Rikishi and Triple H. This all belong to me now boy, and so will that World Title when it's all said and done. Michael Cole: Shawn, don't you think that you may be selling Kane a little short. I mean, he's huge- Shawn Michaels: And so is my dick. What's your point? Michael Cole: My point is- Shawn Michaels: YES! Shawn rises to his feet after a huge dunk by Shaquille O'Neal of the Los Angeles Lakers. The crowd rises to their feet at this point, because the Jazz have just taken a time out. Things eventually die down, and Shawn takes his seat next to Michael Cole once again... Shawn Michaels: I see what you're saying about Kane, but do I look like I care about his size? He could be 7'0" and weight over 300 pounds for all I care. Michael Cole: Actually, he does. Shawn Michaels: Oh, well, I still don't care. Look Cole, I find a way to win. No man is too tall to be exempt from "Sweet Chin Music". Kane is no exception. But I'll tell you this, I won't cross Kane if I don't have to. Look at my size. Kane dwarfs me. So, I'll let the brothers go at it for a little while. He and the Take hate each other any way. Why not let them slug it out? I'll sit back and watch. When one goes over, I'll sneak up behind the other and push him out. Game over. The Heartbreak Kid is the new World Champion. Or, maybe I won't do that. It all depends on the situation. Just rest assured, I'm your next World Champion. You can bet on that. Kane? He's not worthy. He's not deserving of the World Title. And after I win it, I'll show you just how deserving he is after I defend my title against him. The Heartbreak Kid doesn't lay down for anybody. Always, and I mean always remember that... Y'know, just thinking about it. Kane has an aggression problem. Maybe getting your ass burnt off will do that to you. I think Kane needs a friend. But every friend he's had has betrayed him. And then after they kick him to the curb, he never seems to get revenge. Chyna with Triple H ripped him apart after Chyna turned on him. He never really got the revenge he wanted against X-Pac, and X-Pac is smaller than me. It seems like when Kane sets out to do something, he just can't get it done... Now he wants to be World Champion. He has made it clear that he cannot and will not be stopped in his path of destruction, but history tells us that just because Kane says it, doesn't mean it be. Kane doesn't live up to his promises, and The Rumble will be no different for the retard. As I have said a great deal of times throughout this little interview, I will win the Rumble and become the next World Champion. Kane says he will do that same. Only one of us can. Now, look back on history. Look back on when I have said I'm going to do something, and then I did it. Look back on the times when Kane has set out to do something, but has always come short. It looks like the once clouded prediction of who will win the title is clearing up, and guess who's fine picture lies behind those very clouds. The Heartbreak Kid's! Michael Cole: What about the smaller guys? Like Edge or maybe even Christian? Shawn Michaels: Edge’s little brother? He's with Team Canada. Yeah, I did promise to rip into this kid. He’s in his big brother’s shadow, and being with Team Canada doesn't make it any better. I have seen the endorsements Edge has received, despite how meaningless and limited they are, that still tops his little brother’s who has none. I hear of Edge scoring a role in next Highlander flick, but I haven’t heard anything about his little brother. Is he in his brother’s shadow, or is he just holding him back? Who’s to say. The actions of a jealous brother are quite erratic, and they can snap at any time. What can be going on in the head of Edge’s little brother? Does he think that now is the time for him to make a name for himself? Maybe make it so that people like me can actually remember his name. What is his name? Ah, it doesn’t really matter now does it? What’s so great about Edge’s little brother? He’s small, so you’d think he’d be a high flyer, but in the ranks of being a high flyer, he pales in comparison to a Jeff Hardy or an Essa Rios. So, he’s small, but he’s not that good of a high flyer. What, he’s going to try and overpower me if we meet in the ring? Getting tossed out by this kid would end my career. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror if I was tossed by this loser, I assure you. Well, Edge’s little brother, just pray you don’t make it too far in the Rumble. If you do, you’re bound to run into me. You don’t want that, do you? You don’t… At this time, Karl Malone has taken a seat on the bench which is right in front of Shawn's seat. He looks over to Jack Nicholson, who smirks and says... Jack Nicholson: Go for it, but if he beats your ass, don't look for me to bail you out. Shawn Michaels: Thanks pops, I'll remember that. Shawn now directs his attention to Karl Malone. Shawn Michaels: Hey yo- Dennis Rodman: Malone, you suck man! Karl Malone turns around, quite upset. He's now searching the stands to find out where this familiar voice came from. And sure enough, he finds Rodman a few seats down in the row behind Malone. Malone stands, as does Rodman, while Carmen Elektra looks a bit worried. Karl Malone: What did you say, freak? Dennis Rodman: I said you suck man, and I mean in ways other than the way you're playing tonight. Rodman moves over, closer to Malone, and Malone meets him half way. They stair each other down, as Shawn moves over to Carmen. Shawn Michaels: Hey babe, nice- Carmen Elektra: You're Shawn Michaels aren't you? Shawn Michaels: Well yes- Suddenly Dennis Rodman falls between Carmen and Shawn. He looks at Carmen with a smile, then at Shawn a bit upset. Shawn Michaels: Damn, can I get a sentence out without being interrupted? Dennis Rodman: After I kick Malone's ass, I'm going to kick your's. Dennis rises to his feet. As does Shawn. Karl Malone begins to close in on this confrontation, when all of a sudden, he's dropped with a Superkick from Shawn Michaels. Shawn Michaels: God, I hate that guy. Dennis Rodman: You too, huh? I guess you're not so bad. Just stay away from my girl. Shawn Michaels: Are you telling me what to do Rodman? At this time, paramedics have come to tend to Karl Malone. The game has stopped, and the crowd is on their feet, many of them chanting "Fight! Fight!". Shawn Michaels and Dennis Rodman stand nose to nose. Shawn Michaels: Y'know, I could kick your ass right here and now, Rodman, but I'm feeling generous right now. I'll tell you what. I can get you a shot at Karl Malone. Would you like that? Dennis Rodman: Yeah, sure... Shawn Michaels: Seriously. I own a wrestling promotion down south. It's called the Texas Wrestling Alliance. Both you and Malone have been in wrestling before. How about one last time? How about you two settling your feud in the ring, instead of the court. Dennis Rodman: How would you get Malone to agree to it? Shawn Michaels: Simple... Shawn walks over to the stretcher that Malone has been placed on. Security tries to restrain Michaels, but he manages to shrug them off, and reaches Malone. Shawn Michaels: Hey, Karl. How would you like to kick Dennis Rodman's ass without any legal problems? I'm talking No Holds Barred, you versus Rodman, anything you do is legal. Giving you this opportunity would be the only way I could repay you after I recklessly kicked your teeth down your throat. Karl Malone: ... I ... Acc-... ept... Karl Malone is taken out of the arena, as the fans boo him out. This is Los Angeles remember? The game continues, as Shawn takes his seat in the front row behind Utah Jazz bench. Jack Nicholson leans over to Shawn and says... Jack Nicholson: That was some good work there, kid. Shawn Michaels: Well thanks old man, that means absolute jack shit coming from you. Jack sits back in his seat, quite pissed off, but silent. Michael Cole has remained on ringside with the cameraman, as he continues questioning Shawn Michaels. Michael Cole: Shawn... Was that really called for? Shawn Michaels: That was just a little taste of what one Superkick from Shawn Michaels can do to you. Karl Malone is huge ladies and gentlemen of the viewing public, he he's on his way out of the Staple Center in a stretcher thanks to one of the deadliest moves in Sports Entertainment today. So, just picking a name out of the blue, let's talk about The Undertaker. The Undertaker. I am definitely aware of what he had to say about me, and he's right. There was a time when I was just another wrestler. At the time, so was The Taker. And now I'm the best wrestler in the history of the sport, and The Undertaker is still a nobody. He's had a lot of chances to be something greater than he is. Be it World Championship Wrestling, The World Wrestling Federation, or Japan, whatever. You name it, he's been there. Now, our paths cross once again. Here in this federation. Taker, what are you plans? What do you have up your sleeve? I'm curious as hell to figure it out, because you're pushing forty now. You're a regular Hogan or a Flair. What more can you give to the sport? More Choke slams or over exaggerated powerbombs? I have watched you move list shrink considerable after every year you've been active in wrestling. C'mon Taker, where does it stop? When do you say enough is enough? Do you want to end up like Hogan or Flair? I think it's time I put you out, for good, since you're to stubborn to retire like a good old person is suppose to do. Now, don't feel bad. If Hogan and Flair were here, I would personally take them out of their misery. But they're not here, Taker, but you obviously are. You're worn out, Taker. Your time to sit is coming. Let The Heartbreak Kid push you longer to get you there a little faster. Taker, you said something to Kane that disturbed me. You said... Shawn pulls out a tape recorder from out of no where. Michael Cole: Where did you get that from? Shawn Michaels: It's television man! Don't over complicate things. I mean, think about it, I should be out of here right now. I Superkicked Karl Malone in the jaw in front of thousands in attendance and millions at home. When you're hanging with The Heartbreak Kid, anything is possible. Anyway, the Taker said... The Undertaker: But Kane...you call me the weaker brother? Well you big dumb retard then why aint I the one with the f-beep-ed up face? Shawn Michaels: Since when did the Taker start looking good? Shawn tosses the tape recorder over his head. He smacks on the of fans in the face who are sitting further back. Shawn continues... Shawn Michaels: Taker, I don't know who lied to you, but you're one ugly son of a bitch! At least Kane is smart enough to cover his face. How about taking a hint? Your face is about as ugly as a human being's face can be without it being burned. Now me, I don't have the problem you and Kane have. I guess like height runs in your family, so just fucked up looks. The Heartbreak Kid has been a Heartbreaker from day one. Women love me, and men are jealous of me. That's the story of my life. Women just flock to me. It just happens. When girls or chicks- whatever you prefer- scope me out, its just like bees on honey! They're all over me! Hugging me and kissing me as if I was God's gift to women. Who can blame them? Just take a look at this package. Hey Taker, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful. Don't be pissed off because once Jenna Jameson had The Heartbreaker, she'd never go back. Y'know, Jenna has been working the microphone a lot lately, and let me tell ya, she looks like a natural when it comes to working the stick, if ya' know what I mean. Now Taker, don't be mad because I'm the man who will keep you from getting the World Championship. It's not my fault I'm just that damn good, and you suck like a vacuum cleaner in overdrive or like Jenna in the boss' office. Take your pick on which you prefer. Face it nimrod, I'm your next World Champion. Not bad, huh, Jenna? The sexiest man alive with the World Title. That's just music to my ears, and I'm sure the very mentioning of my name is music to yours. Your backyard... The ring... It belongs to me, and only me. Face the facts. Before I left, I owned that ring. And now, I've comeback to reclaim my territory. Oh, and damn, I almost forgot. Taker, Jenna, and Millennium, come up with something creative and stop coming to the ring to cut a segment everything single freakin' time! Boring? Look in the mirror dickheads. Michael Cole: Well Shawn, that's good for one day. I thank you for taking this time to address your fans and the federation. This is Michael Cole- Shawn Michaels: Wait... I paid a hell of a lot of money for these seats, and I have wasted the first half of the game talking to you. You could at least let me end this segment. Damn. Michael Cole: Be my guest, Shawn. Shawn Michaels: To the entire federation and all of my fans. Rest assured, I am the next World Champion. What, you think I'm kiddin' here? My true fans don't. They know that when Shawn Michaels sets out to do something, he does it. The Royal Rumble will be no different. I'm on a quest to restore the old Heartbreak Kid, but at the same time, be better than I ever have been. Do not, and I mean, do not underestimate me. That's when I'm the most dangerous. Just try me... Ladies and gentlemen, this is yours truly, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, signing off. Michael Cole: Yeah, that's so much better than what I could have done. Shawn Michaels: Shut up, Cole! The scene fades with Shawn Michaels slapping Michael Cole in the back of the head and with the Laker girls giving an incredible performance in the middle of the court. What can we expect out of Shawn Michaels in the Rumble? He seems determined. He seems ready. He is determined. He is ready. To the rest of the federation, are you? |
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