The scene opens in at a salon in lower Beverly Hills. This salon specializes in styling hair, but only for the rich and famous. It is quite renowned for the work it did on the hair of many celebrities. At this time, a man enters the building. The building is rather large, so his arrival doesn’t have the impact that he would argue, it should. This man is Billy Gunn, who stands near the entrance with sunglasses on, khaki pants, and black shirt with a small brown line that circles the collar. Billy Gunn is also wearing his trademark-beaded necklace. He looks around, then proceeds venture further into the building. Billy sights the lobby, and walks over. Women nearly fill the lobby, and all have very familiar faces. One happens to be Cameron Diaz. Another happens to be Gena Davis. Billy takes a seat between these two women. Cameron looks up, and lays her eyes on Billy Gunn. Billy pulls a magazine from under his chair, and then feels one of the women, either Gena or Cameron pull his hair. At this, he sits up straight quickly, and looks at both women, in their sophisticated dresses, but less than acceptable hairstyle. I guess that’s why they’re here. Billy looks to his left at Gena, then to his right at Cameron. He smiles, and looks through the magazine. Billy Gunn, the impact player of the World Wrestling Federation, has been at odds. The World Wrestling Federation has been toggling owners, and restarting, only to shut down, but restart in the same day. He’s getting rather sick of it, and he believes that the time may be nearing for him to venture out into another, more stable federation.

Mr. Ass: Did one of you lovely young ladies just pulled my hair?

Both women look up, and stare at Billy Gunn. He looks at Gena in the eyes, and realizes that she’s not the one. He then looks in the eyes of Cameron Diaz, and comes to the realization that it she’s definitely the one. Cameron stares him down, and it becomes a staring contest. They stare at each other, without blinking. After a few seconds, Cameron breaks out into laughter, as Billy laughs a little himself.

Mr. Ass: Hey, I’m Billy Gunn.

Billy takes the hand of Cameron Diaz, and raises it near his lips. He then gently kisses her on the hand. She smiles, and begins to blush a little. Billy relinquishes hold of her hand, and she slowly withdraws it.

Cameron Diaz: I know who you are.

Mr. Ass: Then who am I?

Cameron Diaz: You’re the Ass Man. The guy from that wrestling show who loves himself and his butt even more. Yeah, I definitely know you. The way you are on television, I don’t think you’d have it any other way.

Mr. Ass: Actually, I would. I’d like to have a beautiful woman like you, accompanying me to ringside every show.

Cameron Diaz: I bet you say that to all the girls.

Mr. Ass: No, no, no… Only to girls that are actually beautiful.

She laughs a little, as he just smiles. Billy lifts his sunglasses to his forehead.

Cameron Diaz: Well, me escorting you to a ring will never happen.

Gena Davis: Ouch…

The women in the lobby, all celebrities in one way or another, begin to giggle. Billy Gunn looks around, but keep composure. He turns back to Cameron and says…

Mr. Ass: Whoa, lady, you misunderstood that entire comment. I was giving you a compliment. Billy Gunn with a valet? No, my lady, not this lifetime.

Cameron Diaz: Look, I’m not insulting you, because, you are cute, but the stuff that goes on in that wrestling business is much too graphic. I couldn’t attend because it would weigh heavily on my career. I have a certain status to up keep.

Mr. Ass: Oh, well, I see your point. There are some things that cross the line. Thanks for clearing that up and saving me the humiliation. Well, I don’t think I could ever really be humiliated. I mean, after all, I am Billy Gunn.

Cameron Diaz: Gosh, I didn’t you were really so arrogant. I’m really surprised.

Mr. Ass: Uh…

Voice: A Billy Gunn…

Billy and Cameron look up to see a young man with a clipboard in hand, calling for the next person in line. This is not first come first serve, but appointments must be made. Billy rises to his feet, and Gena Davis immediately slaps him on the butt. She smiles with that very smile that found her superstardom in Hollywood and says…

Gena Davis: Later Cutie…

She and the other girls laugh to amongst themselves, as Cameron only stares at Billy Gunn, who stares back. Could Billy actually be feeling a little guilty for his arrogant ways? Nah, it’s Billy Gunn. But if you were going to change, changing for Cameron Diaz would be the best reason to make that change I can think of. The young man with the clipboard calls for his attention and he turns to him. The young man signals for Billy to follow him, and he does. As they’re walking to the appropriate booth in one of the stylist personal area of the salon, he says…     

Young Man: She’s something else, isn’t she?

Mr. Ass: Yeah, she is.

Billy shakes his head as if shaking himself out of out of the trance he seems to be in.

Mr. Ass: I mean I have some other things to think about. Like, when Gena Davis slapped my ass. Believe me, I have no complaints on that, but what happens when a guy like Kurt Angle, who adores me, gets happy hands and tries to play a little grab ass? I’m sure he’ll go after this fabulous ass for his first victim. I need something or someone to keep that from happening.

Young Man: Getta’ security guard or something, I don’t know. I know you like Ms. Diaz.

Billy shakes his head once more. The young man finally leads him to the hairstylist that will be doing Billy’s hair. Billy steps into the booth. He sees the stylist working at her dresser, with long hair that looks like a wig. The stylist turns around, and to the surprise of Billy, it’s a man.

Mr. Ass: Holy shit!

Hairstylist: What, never saw a drag queen before Mr. …

Mr. Ass: Ass.

Hairstylist: Mr. Ass. Interesting name. I bet your friends give you a hard time about a name like that. Oh well, tell me lovechild, how do you want this done?

Mr. Ass: Eww…

Billy is definitely sick to his stomach about this whole situation. He bends at the waist a little, holding his stomach. He looks up, and says…

Mr. Ass: Look, I’m not one of those queers! I don’t want any funny business, or I’ll kick your scrawny perverted ass!

Hairstylist: Whoa, don’t flatter yourself baby cakes. You’re not even all that. And for the aid of the narrator, I’m DeVante`.

Billy turns to the camera with a raised eyebrow of disgust. He then climbs into the seat, and turns to sit. DeVante` moves alongside of Billy. Billy moves into the opposite direction.

Hairstylist: What’s it gonna be?

Mr. Ass: Uh, have you ever seen me on television?

Hairstylist: Yeah, I have. And I’m not impressed. Not one bit.

Mr. Ass: Yeah, anyway, give me the style you see me with on television.

Hairstylist: That’s it? You’re paying five hundred dollars for that?

Mr. Ass: No, I’m paying five hundred dollars to get close to those female celebrities in the lobby to hopefully score. You wouldn’t know anything about that though. Yet, on another note, I am a very attractive guy, you know. I am especially known for my glorious ass. I mean, this ass is critically acclaimed. I believe that it is the pinnacle for ass everywhere. And I know a lot of people feel the same way. Here’s the problem, some people like to express their feelings about me by touching. Now, when a woman does this to you, it’s fine. I can deal with that, and I can enjoy it. People touching my ass is fine, as long as they’re women. Men? Hell no, Devante`! This is why I must enlist the services of a bodyguard. Or, an assguard. I think it is imperative that I find someone who can watch my ass twenty four seven.

The hairstylist throws a sheet over the front body of the seated Billy Gunn, and begins to tend to his hair. He laughs while he does this…

Mr. Ass: What is it?

Devante`: Oh, nothing. It’s just that you want someone to watch your ass twenty four seven. I found that a little humorous.

Mr. Ass: Figures you would. That’s just a figure of speech. Anyway, not that I’m turning into a superstar, I need a bodyguard like all the rest of those celebrities. Now, I’m Billy Gunn. Of course, I can take care of myself, but I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, and I don’t want to be bothered with kicking someone’s ass in public. It’s bad publicity. Now who? Who would be perfect for a job like this? Hmm… How about Kane? He has the tenacity to rip the head off anyone who dares touch my ass. Yeah, and now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t give women the green light to fondle me as they see fit. Who’s to say, I may run into a big boned ingrate of a woman. Do I really want here all over my ass? Of course not! And who would be better than Kane to destroy that bitch? Hmm…

Billy thinks it over in his head, and plays a simulated scenario of his times with Kane in his head. As he thinks about it, he realizes that this is a bad idea…

Mr. Ass: Ah, dammit. The bodyguard couldn’t be Kane. I wouldn’t be able to control him. I’d have to kick his ass everytime he decided to step out of line, and that would make for a very tiresome existence for me. Besides, Kane has a few screws loose. There’s no reasoning with him, which can be good and bad, but the negatives out weigh the positives. No. It cannot be the Big Red Retard. Looks like this won’t be resolved in one day. I just can’t think of the right person. Don’t worry, the answer to this puzzling question will be answered on June 18^th. Yes, that’s correct, the day of the King of the Ring. Yet, there’s something else on tap for King of the Ring. Yes, my crowning as King Ass. That’s where I pin the loser who I meet in the finals of King of the Ring, and accept my crown as the undisputed King of the Ring. Here’s the question though, who will I have to get through to achieve this goal? At the present time, I don’t have a clue. The World Wrestling Federation has basically started over, and last time I checked, we only had about six or seven people on the roster. One was Bob Holly. Bob Holly! So, while looking of the depth chart, I quickly say to myself, “What the hell?!” What happened to Kurt Angle, the Hardy Boyz, Tommy Dreamer, or Droz? By the way, Tommy Dreamer is the World Champion. Tell me, when was the last time you saw this guy? I tell you, there’s nothing that doesn’t piss me off more than a champion that doesn’t defend. Well, yes there is. It’s a champion that simply disappears without a trace. It makes me wonder, what the hell is the WWF thinking? Why would you allow a slacker like Tommy hold the title when he does nothing for your company? In this federation, obviously, you don’t have to be good to win the World Title. How else can you explain this? Looks like Jesse James does have a chance of actually winning a title around here. Nah… Material. Ha! Classic!

So what stands in my way of achieving actually what I have set out to do, win King of the Ring? Who can stand in my way? Here’s the quickest possible answers to both questions, nothing and nobody. There’s not one man in the WWF who can say otherwise. This will happen whether they like it or not. It’s the inevitable. The sun comes up everyday, doesn’t it? Well, like the sun comes up on a consistent basis, I win on a consistent basis. As sure as the days are short, I’ll win that damn King of the Ring. Why? You shouldn’t have to ask that question. You know why. You know that I’m the best thing to ever happen to the wrestling world. You know I have the most potential, probably in the history of the sport. The perfect balance of strength, speed, quickness, agility, and intelligence. Not to forget endurance, and my favorite, incredible looks. I have it all. No, I want it all, and I’ll have it all when I win King of the Ring. No, no, on second thought, I’ll have it all when I win the World Title. Now, for some, this would be quite a task, but for me, this will be a cakewalk. Now, on another note, I would like to be informed as to who I will take on in the semi-finals of King of the Ring. I need to know, so I can insult him so much he’ll begin to cry where he sits, watching the segment. Another thing, I know I asked this before, but who the hell is in the tournament? Let’s get this stuff answered promptly, because Mr. Ass has things to see and people to do.

The stylist turns Billy away from the camera, so his back is to the camera as he sits in the chair. Much time passes. Then more time passes. And finally, some more time passes, before Devante` finishes Billy’s hair. He gives Billy a mirror, and Billy is quite pleased that his hair looks so well. He stands, and thanks the stylist. The stylist wants to shale his hand, and Billy relunctantly does so. As Billy steps out of the booth, he runs into Nick Nolte. Nick stumbles back, and drops a bundle of card he was carrying. Billy helps him pick them up, and he then hands them to Nick.

Nick Nolte: Thanks. I appreciate the help, pal. These are invitations, and I’m trying to give ‘em out as fast as possible. I moved the date of my party to the end of this week. Hey, you’re Billy Gunn, right? Why don’t you come along. I’m sure you’ll like the activities we’re going to have.

Nick hands him an invitation, and Billy takes a glimpse and slides it into his back pocket.

Mr. Ass: Thanks, Nick. I may take you up on that offer.

Nick smiles, and storms off to continue handing them out. Billy shakes his head, and heads for front desk of the salon. When he reaches the front desk, the young man gives him his bill. Billy takes a look, and begins to write out a check. As he does, the young man says…

Young Man: You’re quite the talk of the town, Billy. Those people in the lobby were talking about you for a long time. They said you were sexy, and you weren’t really cute, but handsome. Then they got into an argument about the difference between cute and handsome. Finally, they said you were like Mel Gibson or Val Kilmer. Yeah, they said you’d look got in the Batman uniform.

Billy looks up at the boy, then up to the ceiling…

Mr. Ass: You know, that’s not a bad idea. Actually, I think I need to get in touch with the producers of the Batman movie series, and discuss that with them. Do you know how defined my ass would be in that costume?

Young Man: Yes! It would be incredible!

Billy gives the guy a weird look, as if saying “What?!”

Young Man: Hey, it is Beverly Hills, and this is a hair salon.

Billy shakes his head, and doesn’t think about it again. He finishes writing the check, and hands it to the guy. He receives his receipt, and walks to the entrance. On the way, he doesn’t forget about winking at the ladies in the lobby. Opens the door, stops, looks back, and sees Cameron at another desk paying for the service. He thinks about going back to talk to her, but shakes his head, once again as if snapping himself out of the trance, and walks through the door. The scene fades there…

This has been an Ass Production, constructed for your viewing pleasure to stimulate the mind in intellectual thinking, and to turn on the ladies with the ever so frequent flashings of the Ass Man, Billy Gunn.