The scene opens in at a salon in lower Beverly Hills. This salon specializes in styling hair, but only for the rich and famous. It is quite renowned for the work it did on the hair of many celebrities. At this time, a man enters the building. The building is rather large, so his arrival doesnít have the impact that he would argue, it should. This man is Billy Gunn, who stands near the entrance with sunglasses on, khaki pants, and black shirt with a small brown line that circles the collar. Billy Gunn is also wearing his trademark-beaded necklace. He looks around, then proceeds venture further into the building. Billy sights the lobby, and walks over. Women nearly fill the lobby, and all have very familiar faces. One happens to be Cameron Diaz. Another happens to be Gena Davis. Billy takes a seat between these two women. Cameron looks up, and lays her eyes on Billy Gunn. Billy pulls a magazine from under his chair, and then feels one of the women, either Gena or Cameron pull his hair. At this, he sits up straight quickly, and looks at both women, in their sophisticated dresses, but less than acceptable hairstyle. I guess thatís why theyíre here. Billy looks to his left at Gena, then to his right at Cameron. He smiles, and looks through the magazine. Billy Gunn, the impact player of the World Wrestling Federation, has been at odds. The World Wrestling Federation has been toggling owners, and restarting, only to shut down, but restart in the same day. Heís getting rather sick of it, and he believes that the time may be nearing for him to venture out into another, more stable federation.
Mr. Ass: Did one of you lovely young ladies just pulled my hair?
Both women look up, and stare at Billy Gunn. He looks at Gena in the eyes, and realizes that sheís not the one. He then looks in the eyes of Cameron Diaz, and comes to the realization that it sheís definitely the one. Cameron stares him down, and it becomes a staring contest. They stare at each other, without blinking. After a few seconds, Cameron breaks out into laughter, as Billy laughs a little himself.
Hey, Iím Billy Gunn.
Billy takes the hand of Cameron Diaz, and raises it near his lips. He then gently kisses her on the hand. She smiles, and begins to blush a little. Billy relinquishes hold of her hand, and she slowly withdraws it.
I know who you are.
Then who am I?
Youíre the Ass Man. The guy from that wrestling show who loves himself and his
butt even more. Yeah, I definitely know you. The way you are on television, I
donít think youíd have it any other way.
Actually, I would. Iíd like to have a beautiful woman like you, accompanying
me to ringside every show.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
No, no, noÖ Only to girls that are actually beautiful.
She laughs a little, as he just smiles. Billy lifts his sunglasses to his forehead.
Diaz: Well, me escorting
you to a ring will never happen.
The women in the lobby, all celebrities in one way or another, begin to giggle. Billy Gunn looks around, but keep composure. He turns back to Cameron and saysÖ
Whoa, lady, you misunderstood that entire comment. I was giving you a
compliment. Billy Gunn with a valet? No, my lady, not this lifetime.
Diaz: Look, Iím not
insulting you, because, you are cute, but the stuff that goes on in that
wrestling business is much too graphic. I couldnít attend because it would
weigh heavily on my career. I have a certain status to up keep.
Oh, well, I see your point. There are some things that cross the line. Thanks
for clearing that up and saving me the humiliation. Well, I donít think I
could ever really be humiliated. I mean, after all, I am Billy Gunn.
Diaz: Gosh, I didnít
you were really so arrogant. Iím really surprised.
A Billy GunnÖ
Billy and Cameron look up to see a young man with a clipboard in hand, calling for the next person in line. This is not first come first serve, but appointments must be made. Billy rises to his feet, and Gena Davis immediately slaps him on the butt. She smiles with that very smile that found her superstardom in Hollywood and saysÖ
Davis: Later CutieÖ
She and the other girls laugh to amongst themselves,
as Cameron only stares at Billy Gunn, who stares back. Could Billy actually be
feeling a little guilty for his arrogant ways? Nah, itís Billy Gunn. But if
you were going to change, changing for Cameron Diaz would be the best reason to
make that change I can think of. The young man with the clipboard calls for his
attention and he turns to him. The young man signals for Billy to follow him,
and he does. As theyíre walking to the appropriate booth in one of the stylist
personal area of the salon, he saysÖ
Sheís something else, isnít she?
Yeah, she is.
Billy shakes his head as if shaking himself out of out of the trance he seems to be in.
I mean I have some other things to think about. Like, when Gena Davis slapped my
ass. Believe me, I have no complaints on that, but what happens when a guy like
Kurt Angle, who adores me, gets happy hands and tries to play a little grab ass?
Iím sure heíll go after this fabulous ass for his first victim. I need
something or someone to keep that from happening.
Gettaí security guard or something, I donít know. I know you like Ms. Diaz.
Billy shakes his head once more.
The young man finally leads him to the hairstylist that will be doing Billyís
hair. Billy steps into the booth. He sees the stylist working at her dresser,
with long hair that looks like a wig. The stylist turns around, and to the
surprise of Billy, itís a man.
What, never saw a drag queen before Mr. Ö
Mr. Ass. Interesting name. I bet your friends give you a hard time about a name
like that. Oh well, tell me lovechild, how do you want this done?
Billy is definitely sick to his
stomach about this whole situation. He bends at the waist a little, holding his
stomach. He looks up, and saysÖ
Look, Iím not one of those queers! I donít want any funny business, or
Iíll kick your scrawny perverted ass!
Whoa, donít flatter yourself baby cakes. Youíre not even all that. And for
the aid of the narrator, Iím DeVante`.
Billy turns to the camera with a raised eyebrow of disgust. He then climbs into the seat, and turns to sit. DeVante` moves alongside of Billy. Billy moves into the opposite direction.
Whatís it gonna be?
Uh, have you ever seen me on television?
Yeah, I have. And Iím not impressed. Not one bit.
Yeah, anyway, give me the style you see me with on television.
Thatís it? Youíre paying five hundred dollars for that?
No, Iím paying five hundred dollars to get close to those female celebrities
in the lobby to hopefully score. You wouldnít know anything about that though.
Yet, on another note, I am a very attractive guy, you know. I am especially
known for my glorious ass. I mean, this ass is critically acclaimed. I believe
that it is the pinnacle for ass everywhere. And I know a lot of people feel the
same way. Hereís the problem, some people like to express their feelings about
me by touching. Now, when a woman does this to you, itís fine. I can deal with
that, and I can enjoy it. People touching my ass is fine, as long as theyíre
women. Men? Hell no, Devante`! This is why I must enlist the services of a
bodyguard. Or, an assguard. I think it is imperative that I find someone who can
watch my ass twenty four seven.
The hairstylist throws a sheet over the front body of the seated Billy Gunn, and begins to tend to his hair. He laughs while he does thisÖ
What is it?
Oh, nothing. Itís just that you want someone to watch your ass twenty four
seven. I found that a little humorous.
Figures you would. Thatís just a figure of speech. Anyway, not that Iím
turning into a superstar, I need a bodyguard like all the rest of those
celebrities. Now, Iím Billy Gunn. Of course, I can take care of myself, but I
donít have eyes in the back of my head, and I donít want to be bothered with
kicking someoneís ass in public. Itís bad publicity. Now who? Who would be
perfect for a job like this? HmmÖ How about Kane? He has the tenacity to rip
the head off anyone who dares touch my ass. Yeah, and now that Iím thinking
about it, I canít give women the green light to fondle me as they see fit.
Whoís to say, I may run into a big boned ingrate of a woman. Do I really want
here all over my ass? Of course not! And who would be better than Kane to
destroy that bitch? HmmÖ
Billy thinks it over in his head, and plays a simulated scenario of his times with Kane in his head. As he thinks about it, he realizes that this is a bad ideaÖ
Ah, dammit. The bodyguard couldnít be Kane. I wouldnít be able to control
him. Iíd have to kick his ass everytime he decided to step out of line, and
that would make for a very tiresome existence for me. Besides, Kane has a few
screws loose. Thereís no reasoning with him, which can be good and bad, but
the negatives out weigh the positives. No. It cannot be the Big Red Retard.
Looks like this wonít be resolved in one day. I just canít think of the
right person. Donít worry, the answer to this puzzling question will be
answered on June 18th. Yes, thatís correct, the day of the King of
the Ring. Yet, thereís something else on tap for King of the Ring. Yes, my
crowning as King Ass. Thatís where I pin the loser who I meet in the finals of
King of the Ring, and accept my crown as the undisputed King of the Ring.
Hereís the question though, who will I have to get through to achieve this
goal? At the present time, I donít have a clue. The World Wrestling Federation
has basically started over, and last time I checked, we only had about six or
seven people on the roster. One was Bob Holly. Bob Holly! So, while looking of
the depth chart, I quickly say to myself, ďWhat the hell?!Ē What happened to
Kurt Angle, the Hardy Boyz, Tommy Dreamer, or Droz? By the way, Tommy Dreamer is
the World Champion. Tell me, when was the last time you saw this guy? I tell
you, thereís nothing that doesnít piss me off more than a champion that
doesnít defend. Well, yes there is. Itís a champion that simply disappears
without a trace. It makes me wonder, what the hell is the WWF thinking? Why
would you allow a slacker like Tommy hold the title when he does nothing for
your company? In this federation, obviously, you donít have to be good to win
the World Title. How else can you explain this? Looks like Jesse James does have
a chance of actually winning a title around here. NahÖ Material. Ha! Classic!
stands in my way of achieving actually what I have set out to do, win King of
the Ring? Who can stand in my way? Hereís the quickest possible answers to
both questions, nothing and nobody. Thereís not one man in the WWF who can say
otherwise. This will happen whether they like it or not. Itís the inevitable.
The sun comes up everyday, doesnít it? Well, like the sun comes up on a
consistent basis, I win on a consistent basis. As sure as the days are short,
Iíll win that damn King of the Ring. Why? You shouldnít have to ask that
question. You know why. You know that Iím the best thing to ever happen to the
wrestling world. You know I have the most potential, probably in the history of
the sport. The perfect balance of strength, speed, quickness, agility, and
intelligence. Not to forget endurance, and my favorite, incredible looks. I have
it all. No, I want it all, and Iíll have it all when I win King of the Ring.
No, no, on second thought, Iíll have it all when I win the World Title. Now,
for some, this would be quite a task, but for me, this will be a cakewalk. Now,
on another note, I would like to be informed as to who I will take on in the
semi-finals of King of the Ring. I need to know, so I can insult him so much
heíll begin to cry where he sits, watching the segment. Another thing, I know
I asked this before, but who the hell is in the tournament? Letís get this
stuff answered promptly, because Mr. Ass has things to see and people to do.
The stylist turns Billy away from the camera, so his
back is to the camera as he sits in the chair. Much time passes. Then more time
passes. And finally, some more time passes, before Devante` finishes Billyís
hair. He gives Billy a mirror, and Billy is quite pleased that his hair looks so
well. He stands, and thanks the stylist. The stylist wants to shale his hand,
and Billy relunctantly does so. As Billy steps out of the booth, he runs into
Nick Nolte. Nick stumbles back, and drops a bundle of card he was carrying.
Billy helps him pick them up, and he then hands them to Nick.
Nolte: Thanks. I
appreciate the help, pal. These are invitations, and Iím trying to give Ďem
out as fast as possible. I moved the date of my party to the end of this week.
Hey, youíre Billy Gunn, right? Why donít you come along. Iím sure youíll
like the activities weíre going to have.
Nick hands him an invitation, and Billy takes a glimpse and slides it into his back pocket.
Thanks, Nick. I may take you up on that offer.
Nick smiles, and storms off to continue handing them
out. Billy shakes his head, and heads for front desk of the salon. When he
reaches the front desk, the young man gives him his bill. Billy takes a look,
and begins to write out a check. As he does, the young man saysÖ
Youíre quite the talk of the town, Billy. Those people in the lobby were
talking about you for a long time. They said you were sexy, and you werenít
really cute, but handsome. Then they got into an argument about the difference
between cute and handsome. Finally, they said you were like Mel Gibson or Val
Kilmer. Yeah, they said youíd look got in the Batman uniform.
Billy looks up at the boy, then up to the ceilingÖ
You know, thatís not a bad idea. Actually, I think I need to get in touch with
the producers of the Batman movie series, and discuss that with them. Do you
know how defined my ass would be in that costume?
Yes! It would be incredible!
Billy gives the guy a
weird look, as if saying ďWhat?!Ē
Hey, it is Beverly Hills, and this is a hair salon.
Billy shakes his head, and doesnít think about it again. He finishes writing the check, and hands it to the guy. He receives his receipt, and walks to the entrance. On the way, he doesnít forget about winking at the ladies in the lobby. Opens the door, stops, looks back, and sees Cameron at another desk paying for the service. He thinks about going back to talk to her, but shakes his head, once again as if snapping himself out of the trance, and walks through the door. The scene fades thereÖ
has been an Ass Production, constructed for your viewing pleasure to stimulate
the mind in intellectual thinking, and to turn on the ladies with the ever so
frequent flashings of the Ass Man, Billy Gunn.