Ass Productions in Association with Rocker Productions Proudly Presents to you...
An X-Rated Segment Starring
Play It Again, Sam
The scene opens on the Baltimore Harbor. Night falls on this location, as does strong rains, but this does not stop World Wrestling Federation cameras from getting footage on X-Rated’s night on the town. That’s right, X-Rated. On this harbor sits a mall, restaurants, and a variety of stores. The camera takes a trip inside the mall, to the crowded food court. The camera, catching footage of teens socializing and adults purchasing items, finally finds a hint of what it’s looking for. That hint would be the tantalizing Cameron Diaz. She’s seen here, wearing a black sweater with black jeans, with her hands full of items from one of the food court restaurants. Which one cannot yet be seen, but it’s obvious the food and drinks, she’s having a hard time carrying, are not all for her. As Cameron struggles to her destination, the cameraman takes a guess, and moves past Cameron, further in the direction she’s headed. Sure enough, in front of the Dairy Queen, there sits Jeff Hardy and Billy Gunn, joking and laughing hysterically at Cameron. Jeff, wearing a large St. Louis Ram Starter coat with his hair in a ponytail, sits with Gunn, who's wearing a light brown sweater and black jeans, in an area with not that many people. All other areas of the food court are quite crowded. The camera moves back to Cameron, as it is evident she’s frustrated, and may not be responsible for the actions she may take once she reaches Gunn and Hardy. The camera swings over the Jeff and Billy. Getting a nice shot of the two at the table. The camera gets a bit of the conversation…
Mr. Ass: I mean, seriously. She falls for it every time. We play straws for who goes and gets the food, then I make sure, one way or another, she picks the shortest straw. This is the seventh time I pulled this one on her, and she hasn't suspected a thing.
Jeff Hardy: Man, slow down. I have to take notes here. This is good stuff.
Cameron finally reaches the table, and releases everything on the table. The food slides at all angles on the table, as does the drinks. Jeff and Billy are quick to stand them up correctly and to gather the food. Burgers are tonight's dish, straight from the McDonald's within the mall on the harbor. Cameron takes a seat, sighs, as if exhausted, then glares at Billy.
Cameron: That's the last time I do that, Billy. You could have at least helped when you saw me near the table.
Mr. Ass: Could have, but if I did, it would ruin the feeling of the fact that you lost the bet.
Cameron gives a playful, yet pouting face. Billy smiles, scoots his chair closer, and plants one on her forehead. The trio digs into the food, as the conversation continues...
Mr. Ass: Come on, babe. You know I'm joking.
Jeff Hardy: How do you two do it?
Cameron: Do what?
Jeff Hardy: Keep your relationship so strong.
Cameron: Well Jeff, remember the way you acted at the club? That's one way not to get a girl and keep a relationship alive. You treat women like their objects for your pleasure, when we're far from it... Far from it.
Mr. Ass: she has a point, Jeff. And how can you be the Heartbreaker when you just don't... Don't have that appeal to the ladies. Take Shawn Michaels, for instance.
Cameron: Now that was a player. You're too immature, Jeff. You're a cute guy, but until you change the attitude, you're going to be a cute and single guy. Oh, and I know you two are buddies, but I'll be damned if Jeff is going to cut into our time, Billy.
Jeff Hardy: Hmm... I see what you're saying. Not that I have been having any girl problems, but that's a good piece of advice. I may try it sometime. Oh, before I forget, you're booked for a match on Monday Night.
Mr. Ass: What? With who? I hope it's for a title, because if it isn't, I'm wasting my time.
Jeff Hardy: Well, the guy you're going against is a champion. It's Reckless Youth.
Mr. Ass: Then I really am wasting my time. Reckless Youth? The Indy Boy? You have got to be kidding me. I wonder how much ass he had to kiss to even set foot in the World Wrestling Federation. Must have been a hell of a lot, because it's no secret that this kid does not have what it takes to hang with the big boys in the World Wrestling Federation. No, no, no. He wasn't even a factor in the match in which he won the tag team straps. Raven is that whole team. And that's not saying a lot, because Raven isn't much better than Reckless. When these two can get the tag team titles, it says a lot about our federation. It says the WWF sucks, but we know different. I mean, before X-Rated it may have sucked, but now that we're here, it couldn't be better. The tag team division is full of wrestlers who quite possibly at another federation would be bottom feeders. I can't stand bottom feeders. These are the guys who are at the bottom of the federation when it comes to talent, charisma, and other various things. As truly talented individuals like myself strike it big for the federation, like I have done time and time again, they reap the benefits. They get bigger paychecks for doing exactly squat to earn them. Who ever heard of someone making six figures to sit on their ass? Okay, maybe we have heard of such a thing, but never in wrestling. Not until now. At this time, wrestling's popularity is at an all-time high, thanks to The Ass Man. That means we're getting more exposure, and we're getting more money. As I just explained, the raises don't exclude the people who don't earn them. Wrestlers like Reckless and Raven. Please. Taylor, McMahon, somebody! Get a hold of this federation and start weeding these guys out. They have no reason to be here, unless you're paying them to lose. If you are, they're naturals, and the best I have ever seen. Pay them more!
Cameron: The sad truth is that they're not being paid to lose. Really, they're being paid to entertain. C'mon, that can't do that.
Mr. Ass: True, but the WWF suits are too stupid to figure it out. No matter. I guess I should set the tone. I guess I should go ahead and show the WWF exactly what they're doing wrong. You know what, I think I will. Yes. Come Raw Is War, Reckless will have a hefty bill to pay to the hospital they send him to, after I'm done with his scrawny ass. Does anyone even know this guy? Does anyone even care? Nah. He knows it, we know it, the fans know it, hell, everyone knows it. You see, I think I'm a fair person when I don't have anything against a person. The problem is, I have something against everyone I meet, with the exception of a few who think like me. Jeff Hardy, he thinks like me. Cameron, well, aside from her being drop dead gorgeous and brilliant, she understands and supports my beliefs. Buff Bagwell. Hell, we were a splitting image. The list goes on, but not long. Reckless. Heh, I have never even talked to him, and I don't like like the boy. Aside from the reasons I stated about him not being a worthy tag team champion, which happens to be the division I own, I don't like the fact that he beliefs he can beat me. I assume that's what he believes. Everyone in the WWF beliefs that can topple X-Rated, until I shove my boot up their ass, slam them with a Fame-Ass-Er, and pin them for the one, two, three. Then they try and put the loss behind them. They try and write it off like it didn't happen. Please. Don't hide it. Millions see these matches. You think they'll just forget? Nah. They won't forget about what I do to Reckless. Hell no. There's no way. Like I said, Reckless is going to the hospital, people! I don't lie. Why the hell should I? I'm Billy Gunn! Everything I say I will do, I do. So many wrestlers are full of it. They rant and rant about how bad they're going to beat a person, then don't deliver. I'm a different person indeed. There's a reason why I'm feared. The wrestlers here have got to realize just what they're dealing with.
Jeff Hardy: Did you order the Bacon Cheese Burger?
Mr. Ass: Nah, that's not mine.
Jeff Hardy: I think they gave me an extra one. Do you want me to come down during the match, Billy? Just to make sure-
Mr. Ass: Wait...
Billy stands, then looks to the right and then the left, like he's searching for someone.
Mr. Ass: Are you talking to me? Do you know who I am? I'm Billy Gunn. Do you think I need any help beating Reckless Youth? Seriously, Jeff. You wouldn't need help beating Reckless, now why should I?
Jeff Hardy: Point well taken.
Mr. Ass: Reckless will be the person who needs help at ringside. Before the match, he'll need a priest. That priest we proceed to pray to God that Reckless does not come out of this match too hurt. By hurt, he refers to his pride and his physical being. During the match, he'll need Raven. Yes, Raven will have to convince the referee to allow the match to become a handicap match, so the two can double team me. If the referee agrees, things will change a bit. I will proceed to deliver a Fame-Ass-Er to Reckless Youth, Raven, and then the referee for even thinking this could stop me. Then, I will pick Raven up, and give him a Diving Fame-Ass-Er off the top-rope. Reckless gets the same treatment so he doesn't feel like he's being neglected. A new ref will storm to the ring. I would then place Raven on Reckless, and pin them at the same time. One, two, three, a victory for me, but I'm not done yet. No sir. I call my buddy down to the ring. You know the one, Jeff Hardy. He has spray paint cans in his hands. He proceed to take the cans, and spray paint an 'X' on the belts. He share a laugh, then slide back in the ring. There, we beat Raven and Reckless until they break into tears like bitches or are rendered unconscious. We also make sure they'll in perfect health to be sent to the hospital. If the referee says no to Raven's request. Hey, Reckless will catch every bit of the beating that Raven doesn't receive. So, let's put things in perspective. Reckless. I advise you to bring Raven to the ring, and have him propose this stipulation. If the referee says yes, you'll still end up bed ridden, but if he says no... Well, you may be six feet under. Just something to think about. You think I won't? X-Rated is not only the most charismatic and controversial faction in the wrestling world, but they are also the most unpredictable. Our next moved cannot be predicted, unless we tell ya'. I wonder what's worth. Having your ass kicked and you not seeing it coming, or having your ass kicked and seeing it coming. Well, Reckless will fill the entire wrestling world in on how the latter.
Jeff Hardy: Who's up for onion rings?
Minutes past, with the trio discussing various things that you'd find in a conversation on the television show, "Seinfeld". They finish their food in due time, and then rise, leaving their litter on the table, not placing it in the trash can where it belongs. You ever do that? I work in the food court dammit! Pick that shit up! Anyway, the trio walk through the mall, stopping here and there in stores along the way. As they're walking out of the mall, done with their shopping in the mall, Jeff Hardy runs into a blind man. This blind man has two bodyguards walking in front and behind. The blind man, moving his head from side to side here's this comment from Jeff...
Jeff Hardy: Watch where you're goin'! Ha!
Billy Gunn and Cameron, who were walking ahead with bags of clothes and other items that they purchased in the mall, turn around to see what the commotion is. Others do the same, in this crowded mall. The blind man responds, as if knowing Jeff from sometime before...
The Blind Man: Jeff Hardy... I should have my bodyguards beat you down.
Jeff Hardy: I see you haven't changed, Stevie. Remember, I can see.
Ladies and gentlemen, Stevie Wonder. He and Jeff do in fact have a history that began at Jeff's uncle's restaurant in Beverly Hills. Jeff Hardy and his brother, as The Rockers, visited this restaurant a year ago. Here, Stevie was performing, and for a while, the mood was fine. And then, after a dispute between The Rockers and Stevie, after The Rockers wanted to jam with him on stage, Stevie called Jeff out. They proceeded to the outside, and Jeff and Stevie began to fight. Of course Jeff won, but when he did, the people wanted The Rockers heads. The predicament lead to a very humorous situation, fun for the whole family.
Stevie Wonder: I think you'll find, little boy, that I have changed.
Stevie's head sways from side to side as Jeff stands with a smirk on his face.
Stevie Wonder: You'll find that I have changed when I whoop your ass.
Stevie takes a swing at Jeff, and knocks him square in the jaw. Jeff stumbles back, and the smirk is gone. With a look of surprise, he looks back up at Stevie.
Jeff Hardy: Oh it's on now!
Jeff speaks Stevie, as the bodyguards jump into the scuffle. Others get caught in it, and it quickly becomes a riot.
Mr. Ass: Cameron, hold these bags for me, babe, and bring the car to the front. I'll be right out.
Billy Gunn is cool, calm, and collected as usual as he and Cameron kiss, and then take on their missions. Gunn's mission is basically to retrieve Jeff before he's either killed, arrested, or kills someone else. Into the cloud of chaos goes Gunn. Seconds later, out comes Gunn, holding Jeff Hardy by the collar on his shirt. Jeff wrestles him off of him, then pouts.
Mr. Ass: You're acting like a kid, Jeff.
Jeff Hardy: I'm twenty-two, of course I am. You have a good ten years on me.
The scene shifts to the car ride. Billy is driving, as Cameron sits in the passenger seat, asleep, and Jeff lays down in the backseat with a flashlight, looking at a Playboy. Gunn, with the camera on him begins to speak...
Mr. Ass: I'm tired really. Nothing really big from this segment. Just me, telling you what I'm going to do to Reckless Youth and his little friend if he decides to screw with me. Word to the wise, and a word to the stupid, which Reckless is not, you do not fuck with X-Rated. No matter what excuse you have. I don't care if I burn down your house, and Jeff screws your sister, we're not to be fucked with. People like to push us. They like to see just how much they can get away with by pushing our buttons. Let me tell ya' something, you can do it, but not without consequence. I'm being a nice guy here, I'm telling everyone of the sorry ass wrestlers on the roster that if you do decide to screw with us, we'll fuck you up. I can't make it any clearer. Reckless, hell boy, we outta take your tag team title away. There's no mystery that you don't deserve it. Enough of that, though. Let's make things simple here. I'm going to kick your ass, Reckless, and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it... Oh, there's one thing. You can...
Kiss My Ass!
This has been a Rocker Production in association with Ass Productions in an X-Rated segment. Do not air this segment for profit without the expressed written consent of The World Wrestling Federation, The Ass Production Team, and The Rocker Production Team.