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An X-Rated Segment Starring


 

X-Rated
In
World Wrestling Federation meet X-Rated II:

In a Playful Manner

Months ago, a superstar left World Championship Wrestling. This superstar was Mr. Ass. His impact on World Championship Wrestling was like no other. Upon entering World Championship Wrestling, he quickly made his mark. His exciting mic work and outstanding in-ring work made him a guy you couldn't help but cheer for. He took on the best and nothing but the best in World Championship Wrestling, and every time, he reigned successful. This is an undefeated man. It all began with Booker T. He was held in high regard among the ranks in WCW. Mr. Ass knew this, which is why he made Booker T his first target. In a match clearly dominated by Billy Gunn, Billy Gunn won, and proved to those who doubted him in WCW that he is the real deal. Next card, Gunn took on Jarrett for his Hardcore Title. Once again, Gunn came out on top, and just like that, captured a title in the promotion. From there, the sky was the limit. He captured the Tag Team Titles with Bret Hart, The United States Title, and the coveted, World Championship. Billy Gunn was truly an impact player in World Championship Wrestling. Those employed by WCW knew it, the fans knew it, hell, the world knew it. Billy Gunn reached superstardom, as did X-Rated. Their antics cannot and will not be matched. Setting off a knew era in WCW, Billy Gunn pissed on a FTW T-Shirt in the middle of the ring. On a following card, Billy Gunn started a riot in the crowd, after he coaxed the women of the audience into flashing the cameras. The list goes on, but one thing is for sure. Billy Gunn is arguably one of the best wrestlers in the history of the Real Wrestling Alliance, but definitely the most controversial.

The scene opens in a movie studio in Los Angeles. The set is quite busy with workers running this way and that and the noise level is high. The camera moves through the crowd until it reaches it's destination. Studio twelve. Paramount Pictures contacted Billy Gunn during the duration of his time away from wrestling. He's doing an action movie, and even he knows it's going to bomb. However, when you're getting paid fifteen million for it, who the hell cares? The door opens, and out comes Billy Gunn. He's wearing a white and black silk shirt with black jeans. As soon as he steps out of the dressing room, he's quickly surrounded by reporters. He shrugs them off, then looks over the crowd and sees Cameron Diaz in the distance, waving with a huge smile and a flower in her hand. Billy slices through the crowd, and that's quite easy if you're six five, two hundred seventy pounds of muscle. Once he reaches Cameron, who's wearing a red short skirt and a white shirt that knots in the chest area, he and Cameron embrace with a hug. She gives him the flower. Gunn, appreciative, but confused says...

Mr. Ass: Wait. I should be giving you the flower, Cameron.

Cameron: Why? Can't a girl give a guy a flower? Why does the guy have to give gifts in a relationship?

Mr. Ass: I'm just saying-

Cameron: Oh shut up, Billy. 

Billy places his arm around Cameron as they walk on the sidewalk.

Cameron: So...

Mr. Ass: So?

Cameron: How did it go?

Mr. Ass: Cameron, this movie is going to flop big time. The director has no clue what the hell he's doing. Get this plot. I play an ex-CIA agent who was thrown in jail because he was the fall guy for a project gone wrong. He didn't know that he would be the fall guy, and ten years later, he's out of jail. He wants revenge on the CIA.

Cameron: Sounds like a good make for an action movie to me, Billy.

Mr. Ass: I'm not done. Then this character is up ducted by aliens-

Cameron: Say no more. I understand. Well, at least you're getting fifteen million for it. That should make it a little easier to take, huh?

Mr. Ass: Perhaps. But you know how I am about my image. I have people who actually look up to me. Remember, I'm like a god in wrestling right now. 

Cameron: I think you're letting all of your success go to your head.

Mr. Ass: No way, Cam. I'm in control. I have always been. I have to. I have to set an example for all the little people. Little people like Billy Kidman. I has impacted this little guy to the point where he believes we actually have a history together. He honestly believes what I did to him in that ring, which, by the way was pretty damn cool, was personal. Until the Smackdown!, I didn't know who Lil' Billy Kidman was. Here's a man who claims I was a big no show for matches. Hmm... When did I ever "no show" for a match? I hate it when people fabricate stories about Billy Gunn in their segments, so they can gain the interest of my fan base. By even mentioning Billy Kidman right now, I'm making him just a little more famous. When I gave his ass the Fame-Ass-Er, I made him just a little more famous. Kidman should be thanking me right now, Cameron. Through such little effort, but such great popularity, I have brought Kidman's career up a few notches, which was something he could never do under his own power. Let's face it. I'm good. I'm damn good.

Cameron: Yeah, you're pretty damn good alright, but there's always pride before a fall.

Mr. Ass: Hey, you told me that before I went to World Championship Wrestling from the WWF. My career skyrocketed there.

Cameron: Yeah, you're right. Maybe it doesn't apply to you.

Mr. Ass: Or maybe, like I said, it's not going to my head.

Cameron: Whatever, Billy. Any matches coming up?

Mr. Ass: Yeah, I thought I told you.

Cameron: Maybe you did. I hardly pay attention to you.

Cameron smiles as Billy shakes his head in a playful manner.  

Mr. Ass: It's the main event of Raw. Jeff and I versus The Game and Triple H.

Cameron: Oh, so it's a handicap match? That's not fair.

Mr. Ass: Nah. The Game is not Triple H. I almost assumed that myself at first glance. Although, when it comes to talent, it might as well be a handicap match. Really, let's take a look at these two. Triple H, an ass kisser from the start. I can even recall a time when I was watching his back for him. He's a loser on his own. You can ask Sean Waltman, Shawn Michaels, or Jesse James to verify that claim. Then there's The Game, or should I just tell it like it is? He's a broke ass Triple H. Really, if you're going to mimic a wrestler, mimic me. At least I'm good. He also mimics Booker T with his catch phrases. I've already kicked Booker T's ass back in World Championship Wrestling. Please. Don't hate the player, hate the game? Why can't wrestler come up with their own identity. The Game is the most unoriginal wrestler on the roster, and his wrestling talent doesn't help his case much. The Game isn't that damn good. Actually, he's that damn bad. Oh well. No one is perfect. I mean, I should know, because I'm pretty damn close. The Game must understand that he is not the man around here. I am aware of his background and how some hold him in high regard. Yet, speaking from a man who's been held in even higher regard, I'm not impressed. I'm not impressed by the tedious segments "The Game" puts forth. I'm not impressed by his track record. Cameron, I'm Mr. Ass. Mr. Ass! I could very well end this with just that with a little more emphasis. Not a problem, however. If The Game and The Game don't realize who the fuck they're dealing with on Monday, they'll just have to be met with one rude ass awakening, thanks to the Ass Man himself. 

The duo reach the car. Billy opens the door for Cameron. She smiles and takes a seat in the car. Gunn trots around to the driver's side. He opens the door, and takes a seat inside. He looks over to Cameron, then kisses her on the lips.

Cameron: What was that all about?

Mr. Ass: Nothing. Just felt like it. We have to get Jeff. I have an idea...

The scene opens in Titan Towers. This is the site of all business that is taken care of in the World Wrestling Federation. Titan Towers serves as the base, if you will, for this quite successful promotion. In Titan Towers, any behavior less or other than the utmost class is not tolerated nor welcomed. Now tell me, why the hell are they here? Who? Don't you remember them? They practically turned the roof upside down at Smackdown!. Smackdown! was uncensored. Smackdown! was X-Rated. Here they stand, just two, however, wearing black trench coats, black boots. Well, to make a long description short, they're dressed like Keanu Reeves as Neo in The Matrix. The duo of Cameron Diaz and Jeff Hardy stand in front of the entrance to the building. The receptionists have stopped their production, and security is enclosing on the trip from all angles. Jeff Hardy and Cameron Diaz, both in sunglasses with black lenses have their hands behind their backs. At this point, the security guards have drawn their weapons. Now, tell me something, you have three people who are obviously about to disturb the peace and piss a hell of a lot of people off, including the boss, good ole' Vinny Mac. Do you cheer for these menaces to society, or the cops who are just trying to do their job, making sure no one gets hurt... You cheer for the menaces to society!

Security Guard #1: What is your business here? 

The duo only stares at the ten cops who are within twenty yards of them. 

Security Guard #1: Answer me, dammit!

The duo open their trench coats with great quickness and draw arms. The officers have their weapons drawn and so do the X-Rated duo. All others in the lobby of the building drop to their knees, trying to get out of dodge. Jeff Hardy and Cameron Diaz smile, and then open fire! It's water guns... The cops now laugh, as do the duo.

Security Guard #2: Ah, it was only a joke.

Jeff Hardy: You couldn't be more wrong.

Jeff Hardy and Cameron step out of the way of the entrance. There behind them stands The Badd Ass Billy Gunn holding a huge water hose in his hand. It's connected to a fire hydrant, and Gunn took the hose from a fire truck in the parking lot of Titan Towers. He has a huge smile on his face, wearing a black Mr. Ass tank top, a black bandana on his head, and bluejeans. Cameron and Jeff open the double doors, and Billy says...

Mr. Ass: Looky looky what I've got!

Mr. Ass flicks a switch on the hose unleashing a great deal of force on the police men. They're driven on their backs to the far end of the lobby. There's much screaming and yelling as this chaos carries on. Gunn is relentless, knocking down anything in his sight with this hose, laughing the entire time with his X-Rated buddies. After minutes of this, Gunn feels like he's done enough damage. Throughout the duration of the water onslaught, he, Jeff, and Cameron took turns. Billy drops the hose, and the trio proceed into Titan Towers. They head for the stairs to the upper levels, when they are met with Michael Cole. He can see what they've done from the stairs, and a look of surprise comes over his face. He sighs, as Billy says...

Mr. Ass: You seem a little upset, Mike. We're the ones who should be upset! We told you we wanted to give an interview today! You were late you little prick.

Michael Cole: What? I got no such message!

Mr. Ass: My bad. I didn't tell you. Ah well, no harm done.

Michael Cole: Are you kidding me? Look at what you just did! Are you out of your mind!

Jeff Hardy: No, we're not kidding. We've seen what we've done, and feel no damn remorse, and yes, we're out of our minds. Looks like we have a pretty good interview goin' here. I guess everything has worked out for the best.

Michael Cole: I refuse to interview-

Mr. Ass: Refuse? Refuse X-Rated? That's like refusing a night with Carmen Electra. It just doesn't happen. Now, we can do this the hard way, or the easy way, Cole. Now you will interview us, so we can at least fall in compliance with that aspect of the World Wrestling Federation, or we can do something... Something so... Something so bad, I don't even know what it is yet!

Michael Cole: I thought you were the guy who didn't like interviews. You said you were to creative for such a thing.

Cameron Diaz: Looks like he wants the hard way, guys.

Michael Cole: Wait, I haven't given you my choice yet!

The scene now reopens in Big Daddy's Ball and Caddy. This is a miniature golf and batter's cage theme park. Well, Big Daddy calls it a theme park. The park is closed, as night has fallen. You can here the screams of a woman from within the park. The camera takes a closer look and investigates. We find that this is not a woman after all. It's actually Michael Cole in his underwear, stapled and tied to a fence behind Jeff Hardy in a batter's cage. His crotch is a direct target for the machine that shoots the baseballs. From the outside stand Billy Gunn and Cameron. Jeff has changed clothes. Now wearing a North Carolina Tar Heel baseball jersey, with a hitter's helmet. He's all smiles, as are Billy and Cameron. Michael Cole is not sharing their joy, as he knows the consequences if Jeff were to miss the ball.

Jeff Hardy: Billy, is the damn thing on? It's not exactly warm out here, so let's get this over with. I think- Wait, weren't you just in Los Angeles?

Mr. Ass: Yeah, so.

Jeff Hardy: Well, Gunn, this is Connecticut. How did you get from there to here so fast?

The camera gets a close up on Billy Gunn's face as he says...

Mr. Ass: We don't need a damn explanation! This is T.V.!

Jeff Hardy: Well said.

Michael Cole: Can we get on with this? Please.

Jeff Hardy: You are in no position to talk to us like that, Michael Cole.

Michael Cole: I said please.

Jeff Hardy: Don't sass me, bitch!

Cameron: Jeff, lay off, alright. Start talking Michael.

Michael Cole: Okay... Billy, this is the first time we're heard from you in a long time. We're talking months. The WWF fans are dying the know, what's up?

Mr. Ass: You're a much better interviewer when you're stapled to a chain link fence, with the possibility of balls coming ninety miles per hour striking you in your balls. Anyway, that's a fair question, and I'd be happy to answer. Michael. Things have been incredible in my time away from wrestling. My career has taken on new dimensions. I have been booked to guest star on televisions shows like "Malcom in the Middle" and "Norm". I have landed a movie deal. I'm being paid fifteen million for the picture, despite the fact it may flop heavily. Cameron is still by my side and I have just signed a huge deal with the World Wrestling Federation. And above all, I'm Billy Gunn. There are guys who would kill to be Billy Gunn. Michael, I cannot complain.

Michael Cole: Let's cut to the chase here. You have a match against Triple H and The Game. It's the main event of Raw Is War, and it's a way to see just where in fact you are. The fans want to see if there's a some ring rust or what have you. What can we expect to see from Billy Gunn tomorrow night on Raw?

Mr. Ass: Ring rust is something you will not see, Michael Cole. Guys with as much talent as myself don't have bad days. When you have as much talent as The Game and Triple H, bad days are as frequent as the sun sets. You can expect to see Billy Gunn walk into the main event, kick ass, and X-Rated come out on top. The quality of talent that we're facing is slow little. The chances of this match even coming to the Fame-Ass-Er are unlikely. Did I tell ya' about the Fame-Ass-Er? I don't think I did. Ah, The Fame-Ass-Er. This is by far the most dangerous maneuver performed in the WWF. When it's given, you don't get up afterwards. When it's given, you don't know what the hell hit you until the next morning when you show up at the gym, and the common wrestlers are describing just how out you were in the middle of that ring, before, during, and after I pinned you for the one, two, three. I've been through this on countless occasions, but I'm aware that I'm dealing with a new audience. The World Wrestling Federation audience. Not only am I talking to the fans, I'm talking to those who question or oppose me. I'm talking to those who are scared to death of me. These are the people whom you'll never hear speak a word about me, in fear that I'll come after their sorry asses, and put a halt to their gradual climbing of the ladder in the WWF. That's everyone's goal. Everyone wants to be like Mr. Ass. The Ass Man, ladies and gentlemen. You want to know what you're going to see from me, Michael Cole. After you take a few shots to the balls in just a second, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to go home and pull out some WWF and WCW footage on the Badd Ass Billy Gunn. I want you to study it. You'll quickly realize that I have never lost a match, and that I have dominated my first opponent, like my most recent no matter how good the opponent is. I know you don't have anything else or anyone to do, so remember me words. Tomorrow, you will see Billy Gunn do as he has done in months prior, and that's kick ass.

Michael Cole: Quick to the point as usual, Billy. Jeff, what can we expect from you?

The sound of a baseball coming through the machine can be heard. Michael gulps, then closes his eyes as he can see the ball coming. Less than a second later, he hears the crack of the bat, and Jeff sends is back where it came from. Jeff turns and...

Jeff Hardy: I'm sorry, what?

Michael Cole: ... What can we expect from you tomorrow, Jeff?

Jeff Hardy: I think I answered this already. Anyway, You can expect a Swan-Ton here, a hurracanrana there. Basically, you can expect total domination from X-Rated on Raw Is War. That's the plan, and we're going to come through. Who or what is going to stop us? Nobody and nothing, that's who. We can't be stopped. I'm sure we have some haters in the house. You can find haters everywhere, and we know that's no different in the WWF. You brush them off, or show them that this is not a fucking game. Guess which we'll choose? That's right, we're gonna show those wrestlers that we're here to stay, and we're not to be fucked with. Honestly, this is not our biggest concern. Our biggest goal here in the WWF is to have fun.

Michael Cole: But at others expense? 

Jeff Hardy: Yeah. What the hell is wrong with that? That's what the wrestling business is about. You climb the ladder of success at other's expense. Having fun in this business is no different. Take The Game and Triple H. On Raw, we're going to kick their asses. It's nothing personal, but we have to send a message to anyone else who wants to try us. That's the purpose of tomorrow night, Mike. 

Mr. Ass: The Game and Triple H... The bookers could have done better. Who puts these shows together? I shudder at the thought of where the WWF was before X-Rated hit the scene. What's a WWF show without us? Not a damn thing. Just another wrestling show. No better than those damn Independent Promotions. There are many reasons as to why we're here, but like Jeff said, we are here to have fun. And yes, at the expense of others. Really, who gives a damn about The Game or Triple H? Triple H has faded as one of the premiere superstars in the WWF. Look who is on top now. The Road Dogg. Edge. Chris Jericho! You have got to be kiddin' me! How the hell did Chris Jericho win the World Championship? That's one the reasons we crashed that party of pre-mature superstars. There was not one person in the ring, before we slid in, who is ready to carry the WWF torch. Edge was close, but look at Edge. Ha!

Michael Cole: Edge held the belt for over seventy days. I think he's far better than a 'ha!'. 

Mr. Ass: Who fucking cares what you think?! Edge didn't run across much competition during his title reign. As a matter of fact, the wrestlers he crossed were pushovers. I promise you this, when I become World Champion, Edge will never hold the World Title again. You can take that one to the bank and cash it, baby. That goes for The Game and Triple H too. Triple H and The Game are in this main event because of us. We're putting them in the spotlight. Their feud between the two of them is being pushed to the top thanks you us. They probably won't even fight us. Here's the way it could go down, if X-Rated doesn't kick ass. Before we can get our hands on the pricks, they'll start fighting each other. Here's a forewarning to the losers. If they try and weasel out of this match to not only seek revenge against each other, but to make sure we don't hand their asses to them, we will, with out a shadow of a doubt, hand their asses to them. Swan-Tons, Brainbusters, and Fame-Ass-Ers, oh my! After we're done with them, The Game and Triple H will finish their feud in the hospital, fighting in wheel chairs. While we're typically practical jokers, we're also wrestlers who will knock your teeth down your throat if you ever in your life try and cross us. I can't make it any simpler.

Michael Cole: We have finally gotten word from The Game. He feels that he can take you guys on two-on-one, tell us-

Mr. Ass: He couldn't take Jeff one on one and he damn sure couldn't take me one on one. Here's a man who thinks he's far better than what he really is. I don't have much respect for those types. Not to mention the fact that this bastard has about as much creativity as Billy Kidman. He has his perception of how Raw Is War will go down, and bitch, I have mine. Who's word do you take? You can take my word to the grave, Michael Cole. X-Rated will not be denied. The Execution? Ha! His finisher name describes what Raw Is War will be, far better than it actually described his finisher. This will be an execution, with X-Rated as the executioners. The Game is doing one of three things, if he thinks he can take us on by himself. Number one, The Game has been smokin' that shit. Number two, The Game is one dumb fuck. Or number three, The Game is talking bullshit and he knows he's talking bullshit, but since we're dealing with a man who words and no action, what can you expect. By that, I'm sure you know which one I think it is, although, the possibility of The Game doing crack is a very close second. The Game is a "bullshitter", and that may have worked where he comes from, but basically, that shit doesn't fly with Billy Gunn and X-Rated. I could play on words all night, but Sparky, here's the deal. I don't care who is 'The Real Game' or 'The True Game', bottomline, after we raise hell on Raw Is War, the game will be over.   

Michael Cole: Triple H also had some words for-

Mr. Ass: Save it. I know what he said. He honestly believes he's better than me? Than the Ass Man? Well, that's a problem that a Fame-Ass-Er can fix. The fact is, I was always better than Triple H. From the very start, when I was tagging with The Road Dogg, I was better. Another fact is, I could have kicked everyone of those Degenerates' asses. For Triple H, I was in the right place, because while The Road Dogg and I were busy becoming the best tag team in the history of wrestling, he was using us to get to the top. Then The Badd Ass strays away, and wins title after title, including a World Championship. I'm then also consider one of, if not the best in the Real Wrestling Alliance, and Triple H, a forgotten man without his friends around him, honestly believes he's better than Mr. Ass. Damn, what a shame. He shouldn't lie to himself like that. He and The Game have a problem with that. It's sad when you hold yourself in higher regard than anyone else does. No one feels the way that Triple H feels about himself. At this point in his career, Triple H is a cancer on this federation. He's one of those guys holding the WWF back from what it can and should be. At thirty or so, he's already a fucking Flair or Hogan around here. Personally, I'm sorry of seeing his ass around here, so Triple H, in the not so distant future, I, Billy Gunn, may very well be the reason your career ends. Don't think so, try me, loser. Oh, and just a bit of advice for Triple H, don't be so repetitive. Trying to get your point across to your opponents shouldn't require to repeating yourself over and over and over again. Believe me, you may actually see a change in the way people view you. If you stop that, they might not see you as pathetic anymore, but perhaps... Okay, you'll still be considered pathetic. 

Jeff Hardy: Yeah, yeah. Triple H is a washed up loser who thinks he can contend with us. Do we let Michael walk or let his balls meet those balls?

Cameron and Billy look at each other. 

Cameron: Let him go.

Jeff Hardy: Fine, but the fans watching this are not going to be happy. They like senseless acts of violence.

Jeff turns to Michael, and begins to take him down, staple by staple, and rope by rope. The sound of a ball whirling out of the machine can be heard, and the four look to the machine. Out whirls a fast one, heading straight for Michael Cole. Jeff jumps out of the way of the ball, and it strikes Michael in the groin. He screams like a little bitch, then passes out due to the shock and pain.   

Mr. Ass: Damn. Isn't that a shame? Who's up for a round of miniature golf?!

Cameron and Jeff acknowledge that they're game as the trio heads for the miniature golf area of the theme park. The Big Daddy sits on high in his tower over the theme park. We get a shot of him watching over the trio, laughing in a sinister manner. What does Big Daddy have planned for our heroes? Now that Michael Cole has lost the ability to have kids, will his first be all that worthwhile? Will- Suddenly, the tower over the theme park falls into a pool, with Big Daddy screaming the entire way. We get a shot of Jeff Hardy holding a tool kit in the air. He, Gunn, and Cameron all share laughs as the scene fades to the X-Rated Logo.


 

This has been a Rocker Production in association with Ass Productions in an X-Rated segment. Do not air this segment for profit without the expressed written consent of The World Wrestling Federation, The Ass Production Team, and The Rocker Production Team.