Ass Productions proudly presents to you...
An X-Rated Segment with...
First the United States Title? Then the Tag Team Titles? Now a shot at the World Title? My God, someone in this new management loves the Ass Man! However, is that the reason, truly? No, it's World Championship Wrestling's need for someone to represent them as the leader and money maker in this company.
|This "someone" is Mr. Ass. He brought WCW back as the top show in the RWA. For six cards straight, Billy Gunn has been booked for a match. There's no denying that the man with two belts across his shoulder, and a World Title in his sights is the not Franchise Player in World Championship Wrestling. And to think, he told you so...|
The Badd Ass Billy Gunn
In The second installment of "Top Gunn"
The Steiner Spoof
The scene opens on the airplane that's headed to Los Angeles, with Billy Gunn, Cameron Diaz, and Buff Bagwell seated in first class. This is very nice, by no stretch of the imagination. Big screen television. Peanuts, pillows, etc. The Tonight Show is paying for all of this, and what a nice set up they gave the soon to be legendary stable, X-Rated. Buff Bagwell has fallen asleep, and so has Billy Gunn. Billy sits next to Cameron, as Buff has spaced himself out, sitting a seat away from Billy, in the middle row. Cameron is awake, and reading a magazine. Billy's head slumps into the lap of Cameron Diaz. There lays his head, not moving. She shakes her head, and whacks him with the magazine. He shoots up, now wide awake, looking around, trying to once again recollect just where he is. Cameron laughs, as Billy rubs the top of his head. Billy looks up at the camera, and then shakes his head.
Mr. Ass: Damn. Can I go anywhere without you guys following me? I guess not.
Cameron: This is first class, Billy. Act like you have some class. Keep it down.
Mr. Ass: Don't mind her. I questioned whether or not she was X-Rated material, but when we did the Steiner Spoof, she was brilliant. So, you want to hear about Scott Steiner huh? I guess I'll dedicate this promo to him. Sound good? Good. This will begin with nothing but ranting, but will end with an incredible presentation of how X-Rated can fuck you up! Scott Steiner. This is a man on a mission, but what? I mean, can we honestly consider trying to revive Fuck the World a mission? I mean, come on. Who are we kidding here? Scott Steiner just wants to be seen. He wants to be noticed. In a promotion thatís been set back on the competition level, and mid-card dominator like Steiner can take advantage. World Championship Wrestling feels that they need one more person in the main event status. I ask them, here and now, why Steiner? Scott Steiner would depreciate, not only the World Title division, but hell, the entire promotion. Heís just not good enough. Thereís no other way to explain it, and you cannot deny it. Heís just not ready. Who is he fooling? Heís stepping into the ring with Billy Gunn, the top wrestler in wrestling today, and Scott Hall, the World Champion. With not even a match under his belt, and no Fuck the World to back him up, he has no chance of winning this match. None whatsoever. Hall and I have a good five inches on him in height. I donít know about Hall, but I am, sure as hell, stronger than him. Iíll take that munchkin over my head, and bury his midget ass into the canvas, with a Gorilla Press Slam. Mind you, he looks like the ďgorillaĒ. He small body will flop, and bounce on the canvas, leaving him unconscious. Yeah, thatís the itíll go down. Follow that up with a Jackhammer, then a Fame-Ass-Er, and Steiner is out of the picture in the first two minutes of the match, if that long. Quicker? Donít be fooled by the fact that Steiner is smaller. When it comes to the greatest athlete this sport has ever seen, Billy Gunn, things like this just donít matter. Iím quicker than Steiner. Steiner wrestles like a big man, and heís quite stubby because some muscles are larger than others. He just has a horrible build for a wrestler. While heís bent on his arms, he doesnít concentrate on a body thatís fit for the ring. His problem, right? Not mine. Now we go to the amount of moves. Come on. Iím The Ass Man. Time after time, I have proven that I have the most devastating moves in World Championship Wrestling today. The list only grows and expands in diversity. From dropkicks, to Diving Fame-Ass-Ers, I have it all. What does Steiner have? The Steiner Recliner. Get real. Do you honestly believe that this move can stop me? If so, commit yourself, because youíre not in your right mind.
stressed it over and over again. Fuck the World is dead. This was a project that
was incredible when it first began. There has not been a stable to match itís
dominance. X-Rated? Yes, we dominant over this promotion, but when you have guys
like Steiner in the World Title hunt, you know that this is not such a big deal.
Back then, the level of competition was higher. A guy like Steiner was in his
rightful place, the mid-cards. Thatís where he should return, because heís
making a mockery of this business. Fuck the World completed the Steroid Freak.
He was happy. He was noticed, and most of all, he won. With the owner of the
promotion behind him and the rest of this tired faction, every match he walked
into, he had the upperhand, whether he would admit it or not. Now, heís lost
this. Unfortunately for Steiner, Fuck the World is no more, and one must ask the
question, where the fuck was he when this thing was spiraling to hell. The main
reason the wrestlers in World Championship Wrestling were pissed about this was
because the members were never around. Where was Steiner? He was playing Big
Daddy for Billy Kidman, while Fuck the World was hitting rock bottom. Now that
itís dead, he decides he wants to bring it back. I wonder, what are his
motives. Steiner wants to be the top guy in Fuck the World. Now that those who
could kick his ass have either retired or left the company, he sees the
opportunity to become the top guy. How pathetic is this? Only Steiner would
stoop so low. Only he would wait for those who made Fuck the World what it is,
to come back in a sick attempt to bring it back. I pissed on the fucking shirt.
Itís over and done with. My piss marked the beginning of a new era in World
Championship Wrestling. The Fuck the World Era is gone, and no one wants it
back. It was tedious and boring, much like Steiner himself. Fuck the World has
no place in World Championship Wrestling, just like Steiner has no place in the
World Title hunt. Am I making myself clear, and am I making sense? You bet your
ass. Everything I say, is true. Iím true to my word, and I have no reason to
lie. Steiner, you are hearing the truth from your biggest adversary. You want to
know why Iím your biggest adversary? Because you hate me, and can do nothing
about it. You hate Mr. Ass, because he pissed on a shirt. Instead of challenging
Mr. Ass to a match to settle this, you, like the pussy you are, just cry about
it. Come get me, jack ass. Iím not running. If you have a problem with me,
come and get me. If youíre a wuss, just say youíre a puss, and be done with
You fear me, thatís why you will not come directly after me. Youíre a coward. Youíre depending on a double team from you and Hall to make sure I donít win the title. Double team the Ass Man? Yeah, Iím good, but damn Steiner. Is that your game plan? Is that the reason you have that I will not win this match? Figures. Youíre not a man. Youíre a boy. No wonder you have so many tag team and six-man tag team reigns. You like depending on others. Youíre suck, Steiner. No wonder youíre with your short fat prick of a brother. You canít do anything by yourself, Steiner. Thatís why you want Fuck the World to return. Well, thatís another reason you want Fuck the World to return. You canít stand being alone, because when youíre alone, youíre nothing. No one cares about you, and youíre not a factor in the wrestling world. Youíd have the effect of a small pebble in a pond on this promotion if you were flying solo. By solo, I mean without anyone with you. Just you. I have proven that I am worthy as a wrestler who flies solo. In the World Wrestling Federation, I captured the title of King of the Ring, by myself. Now, if you accomplished anything totally solo, without your bed buddies from Fuck the World, and without your brother, I would be quite surprised. Even so, nothing changes. You still canít survive in this promotion on your own. Youíre not a strong person mentally. Thatís why, when you were questioning your physique, you went to the extreme and took steroids. Yeah, we all know about your trial with steroids. Steiner is fucking sad. Heís a joke. Steiner as the World Champion? You could sentence this promotion to itís grave if that ever happens people. I promise you that. Fuck the World is done. X-Rated will see to it that Scott Steiner suffers for his cheap surprise attack. Steiner is a little bitch, that not only needs to be chained, but locked in the fucking pound. He and his brother must have had one ugly bitch for a mother, and I mean bitch literally, because the Steiner Brothers are two of the ugliest people I ever seen. Scott, keep your glasses on, youíre horrible. Fuck the World consisted of Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner. Thatíll be the dayÖ The day that X-Rated kicks their asses for even considering such a thing!
And now, we have a special presentation for you... Cameron
Cameron sighs, stands, and walks across Billy, but not before his takes her by the hips, and has her sit down on his lap. She gives him a look, then with playful intentions hits him on his shoulder. she leaves, and keeps the flight attendant busy. Billy, with a tape in his hand. Hey, this is television, we don't know where the tape came from. He rises, and slips the tape in the big screen television VCR. He then smiles, and returns to his seat, and lays back, closing his eyes.
Mr. Ass: Enjoy...
noW An X-rAtEd sPoOf starring mR. ASs
The following is an X-Rated Presentation. Ladies and gentlemen of the weak at heart are encouraged to watch this! The same goes for those under eighteen. Donít close your eyes to the real world. X-Rated, is reality. Running from us will lead to you getting your asses kickedÖ Harder! Donít close your childrenís eyes, and donít turn the television. This is X-Rated Television, with Ass Productions, bringing you World Championship Wrestling at itís best. If you thought it was bad beforeÖ Wait Ďtil you get a load of them.
Scott Steiner is depicted in a very negative light. He's considered a homosexual, which is exaggerated from his refusal to insult Scott Hall, and other things. He's viewed as trailer park trash, and illiterate. There are some other things, but damn, we here at Ass Productions completely forgot. This is a spoof, and the characters Billy Gunn, Cameron Diaz, and Buff Bagwell portray are far from being anything like themselves. With excellent acting lessons from Cameron Diaz, Gunn and Bagwell give an incredible experience. You'd swear that Steiner, Midajah, and the other Steiner are actually speaking and what have you. Ah, our first spoof. Enjoy.
It was on Thunder that Big Poppa Pump made his much awaited return to World Championship Wrestling. A former TV, Tag and 6-Tag team champion, Big Poppa Pump who was never really a superstar, or a star for that matter in World Championship Wrestling. Fortunately, not being a superstar kept him the fuck away from the World Championship. He is just one of the many WCW wrestlers to never win the top WCW belt. He made his return saving the Heavyweight Champion Scott Hall's ass from the attack of X-Rated. After the show came to an end Big Poppa Pump gave one of the most amazing promos ever seen in WCW, mainly because all of his others suck. He talked mainly on his disappointment on the way the new WCW is moving, because they refuse to let him stick his nose in their asses like he did to Ted Turner. Now it was noted that Big Poppa Pump will have his first match on WCW Monday Nitro. And it just won't be a normal match but it will be the main event valid for the Heavyweight title of the World. Big Poppa Pump will be in the same ring with the World Champion Scott Hall and the best wrestler to enter the Real Wrestling Alliance sinceÖ Well, I guess heís the best. Mr. Ass Billy Gunn, where he stands outmatched, outsized, and out of place. Scott Steiner promised us another promo. Sigh
This Promo is going to be 18+ If you are under 18 years old or you are easily offended then I suggest you stop reading right now, because when you talk about Big Poppa Pump ass kissing and dick sucking is second natural to him.
to those who have short attention spans, don't waste your time. The same
goes for those who have long attention spans, if there is such a thing. I
mean, damn. This loser can put your ass to sleep! You have been warned...
As Scott Steiner
As Rick Steiner
Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner, will cut his second official promo from the pleasure of his house on wheels in Michigan. So without further notice welcome The Steroid Junkie, Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner with slut, Midajah!
scene opens in this house on wheels, in the middle of a trailer park in
parts unknown. Billy Gunn is seen sitting on the toilet, barely fitting in
the small restroom. His legs poke out, as it's obvious he's portraying
Scott Steiner in this segment. His hair is just like Steiner's, and no, he
didn't go through the trouble of cutting his hair. He simply placed make
up or plaster of some sort on the top of his head, that makes his hair
style look just like Scott Steiner's. He's wearing sun glasses, just like
Scott Steiner's, and his wrestling attire is at his knees, as his sits on
the toilet, while Midajah stands next to the open door, holding a glass of
ripple in her hands, with a string bikini on. Now, this isn't Midajah.
This is Cameron Diaz giving us a great, and I mean great performance as
her... Well, I guess the only reason why I say this is because she looks
goood. Let's get to this.
Big Poppa Pump:- As I said on my previous promo I don't really like the way WCW are movi-
Midajah:- Wait babe, you didn't even, like, give an introduction? I mean, you shouldn't just start talking, Scott.
Big Poppa Pump:- Ah, shut up before I make you give me head again!
Midajah:- Okay, I don't want to go on the search for your thing agai-
Big Poppa Pump:- My problem doesn't leave this house!
Midajah:- Hey, I'm not the one you should be mad at! When WCW asked you to take those steroids, they told you the side effects. Needle dick is one of them, Scott! And you're stinking up the restroom. Get out of there, and flush that toilet. I need that water to prepare our dinner.
Big Poppa Pump:- Yeah, yeah... Till last week we had FTW dominating everything and that is the way life should be. I was a small part of it, but still, we were dominating! WCW was the pinnacle of the RWA for a lot of time. It dominating all the ratings wars for weeks and weeks and why it was this?
Midajah:- That made no sense, Scott! When Billy Gunn offered you that Hooked On Phonics program, you should have taken it. What you mean to say it "It was dominating the ratings wars for weeks and weeks. Why is this?"
Big Poppa Pump:- Thanks babe. What would I do without you? I need ya to fetch me some leaves from the tree out yonder. Goone na'! It was thanks to FTW. FTW made WCW, and not vice versa, or is it versa vicer... I need Midajah. I'm getting stuck. I'll just skip on. This paper she gave me to read is trouble on the eyes. On the same night Scott Hall defeated the worst ever Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker, a guy I couldn't beat on my best day, to win the belt and he as well joined FTW. On that card, I was saving Billy Kidman. We had a relationship, but he didn't want to take it further. We could have had something. Then in the next few days JEALOUSY took over. The Undertaker started whining that he didn't lose the belt fairly and that he was screwed of the title. Even though other wrestlers thought the same, I'm loyal to Scott Hall. He's my pimp, and he had to have won it fair! He just had to! Buff Bagwell, my Buff Daddy, said that Hall won it! See! After The Undertaker whining two other guys who could kick my ass any day of the week, started complaining. Billy Kidman and Stevie Ray complained how they weren't treated rightly. Rightly? Yeah, rightly! My question is simple, just like me, how can you pretend to be treated as a main eventer, like I have successfully done since arriving in WCW, when you drop the Heavyweight title belt TWICE? If I ever won a the World Title, I would never drop it! Yeah, I know I haven't won it... And I definitely haven't won it twice, but I would have been a better wrestler, if I were a better wrestler... I'm getting confused. I personally want to thank God that we won't see Saturn or Undertaker's face here in WCW ever again. These two were nothing but mid carders but in their opinion they thought they were superstars. Yeah, the Undertaker won the World Title, but he's still a mid-carder. I'm a mid-carder, pal! I haven't won shit. Sheesh... I still can't believe how on earth did Saturn became a Hall of Famer and The Undertaker won the Heavyweight Title belt. The promos by these two wrestlers were some of the worst seen in WCW, second only to mine. Their quality wasn't anything special whilst they barely lasted 5 minutes, while I like presentation, but my place stinks like foot and ass, and I have a house on wheels. WCW had a list of really good champions namely Dustin Rhodes, Kevin Nash, Rhino, The Sandman, Lance Storm, and Scott Hall. These are all guys whom I have made it my pleasure to kiss their asses. Those are the people that make you believe in WCW and in the Heavyweight title, not me, Scott Steiner. I suck. People that work their asses off for WCW, unlike me. People who are really good, unlike me. Then you have people like The Undertaker, who dishonor the belt. It wasn't supposed to end this way.
Midajah:- Scott, I'm back.
Big Poppa Pump:- Good, I'm sure you have something to say. Give me that leaf.
Midajah:- This isn't the first time that happened that people who doesn't deserve to be on top are on top.
Big Poppa Pump:- What? Is that in the lines? Is that what she said?
Midajah:- Yeah, Billy. Stay in character!
Big Poppa Pump:- What a dumb bitch... Anyway, keep going. We'll edit this out...
Midajah:- But sometimes we have to take things as they come. The Undertaker destroyed everything that guys like you worked hard for. Scott, you did a lot of blow jobs, ass kissing, and brown nosing. You deserve that spot. more than someone like The Undertaker. He's pitiful! They destroyed the Heavyweight title of the World credibility, which thanks to Scott Hall didn't take much to become credible again. I love Scott Hall
Big Poppa Pump:- Same here, I bet I love him more!
Midajah:- Have you ever gone to bed with him?
Big Poppa Pump:- I tried...
Midajah:- I did!
Big Poppa Pump:- Damn!
Midajah:- Uh huh, told ya'. Two of the most loyal and best WCW Wrestlers to ever grace the ring left WCW to go to ECW. I am talking about none other then Dustin Rhodes and Stone Cold Steve Austin. I went to bed with the both of them too. The best ever WCW female wrestler, Kimberly Page, went to ECW as well. I got her too. One of the best wrestlers around, Rhino, the former TV Champion Hollywood Hogan and the Cruiserweight Champion, The Artist all left for WWF. I screwed all three of them. This shows that thanks to the egoistic bastard, The Undertaker, 5 of WCW top stars left the company, whom I also screwed. The new committee made it a promise to destroy FTW, but one man will fight for the right things. One man doesn't give a fuck of what the committee or the fans think. One man will rule over everyone else. And that man is Big Poppa Pump. I haven't gone to bed with him.
Big Poppa Pump:- That's right Midajah. I am a Bitch on a Period, and there is nothing that anyone can do to stop my rise to the top. On Thunder we saw the most disgracing thing to ever happen in Professional Wrestling. Buff Bagwell and Billy Gunn threw the FTW shirt away.
Midajah:- What's so bad about that?
Big Poppa Pump:- You shouldn't throw FTW Shirts away! I don't have clothes. I could have used that shirt! Damn... They then revealed an X-Rated shirt. Well Buff and Gunn there is nothing X-Rated about you two. I mean sure, you piss on clothes, and you have kicked the asses of everyone in WCW. Oh yeah, and Billy Gunn's promos are filled with swearing, violence, and sexual references. Big Poppa Pump is X-Rated. I'm sitting on a toilet! Now that's X-Rated! On Monday Nitro I am going to go on against Scott Hall and Billy Gunn for the Heavyweight Title of the World. And that is one hell of a return match for me. In this match there are the two top guys currently in WCW and the biggest superstars that have ever been seen in WCW. I will go one on one with both the US and Heavyweight Champion of the World. On one hand there is Scott Hall, one of the best ever WCW Champions and a man that isn't afraid to put his belt on the line. I mean, this guy is perfect. He's wonderful. I often question why we could never be together. On the other hand we have Billy Gunn, the WCW US Champion, the epitome of perfection. This guy was handed the US title on a silver platter by Buff Bagwell. This guy doesn't even have the guts to put the belt on the line, even though he's already said that he's a fighting champion and takes on all comers. He only had guts to throw away the FTW shirt. If I had the US belt I would have put it on the line in this match so that the winner of the match will come out as both the WCW Heavyweight Champion of the World and the WCW US Champion. Obviously Billy Gunn doesn't have the guts cos he isn't a Bitch on a Period. Me and Scott Hall have a common thing in this match. We both lie about our ages, and we're both homosexuals... Well, Hall isn't, but I am. I guess that's not something we have in common. We both have FTW in our blood. We both have Billy Gunn as our enemy, and we will make sure that on Monday Billy Gunn won't come out with the belt, because he's too good. We have to double team him or we'll loose!
Woof Woof is heard in the room. Billy Gunn as Scott Steiner shoots off the toilet, without flushing. Midajah flushes for him, and then proceeds to fill a pot full of the toilet water. Gunn as Scott Steiner picks up a gun, and fires it to the doorway. He finally recognizes the person. It's Buff Bagwell as Rick Steiner, standing on his knees, as if he were a midget. He's barking like a damn fool. Gunn as Steiner slaps Buff as Rick in the face. He stops, and runs in on all fours, and jumps up and down on the couch.
Midajah:- Scott it seems that Rick has just arrived home.
Now ain't this some shit? I mean, damn. We
hate to lose our professionalism over this, but damn. Have of this spoof
of Steiner's segment wasn't even edited. This is a pathetic man, and
X-Rated is having a field day at his expense...
Now ain't this some shit? I mean, damn. We hate to lose our professionalism over this, but damn. Have of this spoof of Steiner's segment wasn't even edited. This is a pathetic man, and X-Rated is having a field day at his expense...
At this time, Scott has pulled up his wrestling attire, and wiped his ass... Thought you wanted to know that.
Rick Steiner:- Hi Scotty, baby! What's up?! Finally I am back with my brother! I'm so happy! I feel like a giddy little school girl! The Steiner Brothers are together. My career in WCW hasn't been successful at all. I was stuck with people like Berlyn who the only good thing they could do was to job to the entire WCW roster. Like Scott can't do anything without Fuck the World, I can't do anything without him. He's this Dog's best friend! Then I was starting to get respect and was on verge of becoming FTW member, but it wasn't supposed to be. They had enough Steiners, and they weren't about to take any more. I still decided to join my brother Scott. The DFG together with Big Poppa Pump will make sure that mid carders like Saturn or The Undertaker will never hold any WCW top belt. I don't care what the committee think about me being with my brother. I don't care what the world thinks about it! Family members can be couples if it so pleases them! Committee you don't like me ... PLEASE DON'T JOB MY ASS!
Big Poppa Pump:- You know what I was thinking about my opponents on Monday... Really I was thinking about Hall. I love that guy. He's great. Anyway, I realized that Billy Gunn has Buff Bagwell covering his back whilst Scott Hall had Kevin Nash. This made me at a disadvantage so I decided to call my brother and he told me he was willing to be back on top of WCW, not like I ever was. The Steiner Brothers are back and back for good. The DFG will always be on my ass and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. If I ever get attacked from behind I will always know that the DFG will be there, on my ass, first. I know that for fact! On Monday Nitro in the Triple Threat Heat Cage Match I will come out with the belt and revenge will be made. Billy Gunn will regret what he did to the FTW shirt. Everyone will know why I am a Bitch on a Period.
Rick Steiner:- I just have one thing to say. I am my brother's keeper.
Big Poppa Pump:- And that's the damn truth because I'm your HOOK UP to the best phone sex in the tri-state area. DIAL 1-800-SEX-PUMP IF YOU HEAR ME. Cause we need beer money... Money for a real house. Clothes...
The scene re-opens in the airplane. Billy Gunn has once again fallen asleep. Cameron is sitting next to him, and once again, his head drifts into her lap. She shoves him off of her, and like before, he wakes up. He shakes his head, trying to shake off his fatigue. He looks up, and rolls his eyes at the sight of the camera.
Mr. Ass: Again? Fine. Let's make this short and sweet. I thought the spoof and what I said earlier summed everything up. Scott Steiner has no chance of winning the World Championship. None whatsoever. I'm Billy Gunn, and when I say something, I mean it. When I say it, it happens. Since arriving in this promotion, everything I say has happened. I've predicted wins over World Championship Wrestling's finest, and guess what, it happened. Now, I leave you with this. I will win on Monday Nitro. There's nothing Steiner, nor Hall can do about it. Nash can't do a damn thing about it, and nor can The Pus- I mean the The Cat. It's my time ladies and gentlemen. Not Hall's. His time died with Fuck the World, and so did his career. The same goes for Steiner. Neither one have friends in high places like they once did. Now all they have are their friends. Their buddies. Their brothers. I have destroyed stables. You can bet your ass I can destroy duos. One Fame-Ass-Er for each one of you, and it's over. Easy done than said. I'll land the most devastating finisher on your asses in a heartbeat. Steiner, you stubby little steroid junkie, if you're not down with that, and the spoof of your sorry as segment, I've got three words for ya'!
Kiss My Ass!
Click below for the Official Homepage of the Badd Ass Billy Gunn.