Mr. Ass
King of the Ring
The World Wrestling Federation has been in turmoil for quite some time now. Frequent ownership changes plague the federation, and all the while, the faithful and determined Billy Gunn has hung tight, through and through. Yet, through all of this, when the situation does not lighten up, rather gets worse. Where do I go from here? This is the question that Billy Gunn must ask himself, and upon it, take action as soon as possible. What's next for the Badd Ass?

The scene opens in the wonderful city of Los Angeles. This is where great stars are born, important contracts are signed, and where blockbuster movies are made. This is the Mecca of the entertainment industry, not only here in the United States, but the entire world. This would explain why the ever so popular Billy Gunn is within this beautiful city. The scene captures the scenery of the city with the beautiful sunset on the horizon in the background. This is a sight that could bring a tear to the eye of a man, as he reminiscences on the wonder of God's creation. Men all accept Billy Gunn, who really doesn't give a damn. His main priority is himself, and he has that right. He is the best wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation. He's also the most entertaining and the most charismatic. Who has brought the fans off their seat in cheer or in jeer better than the Ass Man? No one. Especially here in the dying World Wrestling Federation. Billy Gunn has taken much time off lately, but the technical crew of the World Wrestling Federation has caught up with him, as he lounges poolside, at a prestigious Los Angeles Country Club, who have forbade us to relinquish the name of the fine establishment. Billy Gunn, lays their on his lawn chair, seemingly catching a tan, in black swimming trunks, his trademark beaded necklace, and sunglasses with black transparent lenses, is quite unsuspecting of the fact that his peace is about to be shattered by Michael Cole, along with Derek, the cameraman assigned to the Billy Gunn segments. The area is not highly populated, but the few people that are swimming or lounging like Billy Gunn, are quite rich, and their fortunes are usually immeasurable. Michael Cole moves quickly to Gunn upon catching sight of him. He slides into the lawn chair along side of Billy Gunn, with microphone in hand, wearing clothing that's straight out of the GAP. Gunn leans away from Cole with his upper body, and slides his shades to his forehead...

Mr. Ass: Another segment, huh? 

Michael Cole: Well, you're all the federation has right now. We're trying to promote The Rockers, but they're a tag team. We need the main-eventer. The World Champion. The-

Mr. Ass: Then I'm your man. So, let's try and get this over with as soon as possible. What's up, Michael Cole?

Michael Cole: Well, Chris Jericho has said some stirring words about you. We thought that being the pride filled man that you are, you might want to have something to say about him. If you haven't heard about it already.

Mr. Ass: Can't say that I have.

Michael Cole: Okay then. Rather than me telling you what happened, I'd like you to bring your attention to the View Man I have with me. 

Michael Cole pulls a out a View Man from his back pocket, and waves it in the direction of Billy Gunn. Billy Gunn simply nods, and Michael Cole begins to connect this portable television to the camera. There's no point in showing you what happens in the next three minutes of Chris Jericho's segment, because many of you have already seen it. We here at Ass Production haven't, because frankly- Well, let's put it this way, it's more effective than taking sleeping pills. 

Three Minutes Later...

We return to the scene after five minutes, and we find Michael Cole trying to wake Billy Gunn up from his sleep. He suceeds as Billy Gunn awakes, and as he does, out of instinct, he punches Michael Cole clear out of the lawn chair. Once obtaining full consciousness, he begins to laugh at Michael Cole, who holds his jaw, trying to withstand the pain. Derek laughs all the same. He wobbles back to his seat, and shakes off the punch, or tries to, rather.

Michael Cole: Thanks... Dammit. 

Mr. Ass: Quit cryin', Mike. You have a job to do. You don't see me cryin' do you?

Michael simply glares at Billy Gunn. Reluctantly, he continues...

Michael Cole: Well, you've heard what Chris Jericho has to say. What do you think, King Ass?

Mr. Ass: I caught the first part of the segment and staying up for that was a task. My God, this federation must be desperate to sign an idiot like Chris Jericho. He can't even speak proper English. This reminds me of the Road Dogg Jesse James. I hate to continue to speak about him, but he was truly sad. Sometimes I wonder, why wouldn't he invest in some flash cards to help him with his problem. Such a same. Jericho, you don't have to make the same mistake as Jesse James. There's still time for you. Don't do it for me. Don't do it for Michael Cole, or even the federation. Do it for you and your family in Canada. Are all of you people in Canada that dumb? I mean really, you sicken me, and probably the nation in which you represent with your English that makes you sound like you're still working on graduating from... Elementary School! I would never be the incredible superstar that I am if I didn't have proper English. It's a must. It's truly a must. I see why you signed a one year contract with the World Wrestling Federation. Security. You see, it's not that no one else can have you, it's just that they don't want you. You're a loser. Why else would you join a dying federation, then go for a second tier title? Dumb ass. You're nothing, and you know you're nothing. That's why you stray away from the top titles, and hide from the top players in the wrestling world. Do you know why I'm here? No? Then I'll tell you. I can get my release. This federation is riding my back. I'm the Franchise. I'm the Top Gunn. Pun intended.

Michael Cole: Could you talk about what he said about not liking you, because-

Mr. Ass: Do you think I care if Chris Jericho likes me?! Ha! It's really not that Chris Jericho dislikes me, but more that he's jealous of me. Why else would you dislike someone for putting 110% into his respective federation? He's mad because he can't do it. He's mad because he has nothing to offer the federation. But to a mid-carder like Jericho, it would seem like I put that much effort into this federation. He sees just how good I am, and actually believe I work as hard as I can to be this good. Ha! Get real, kid. I have no reason to work hard. All of this comes natural. You're mad because even when you're trying as hard as you can. And I mean giving your sweat and tears into this business, you're not half as good as me. You're nothing, and you know you're nothing. You see, you fail to realize that the little work I have put in has produced everything but titles. I am the King of the Ring. I am the wrestler who's in highest demand by the media, the fans, and other entertainment businesses. Something has come out of this. Get your head out of your ass and come to terms with the fact that I am a superstar in this federation, and in the world. I am the only man this federation has. With the little amount of wrestlers here, if you were half as good as me, you'd be here to, but do you know why you're not here? You suck, Chris Jericho! You're right, I shouldn't be in the World Wrestling Federation, because right now, it's replete with amateurs like yourself. I'm way out of your league. Let's just face it Jericho. You're right, it will not be pretty when we cross paths, because if we do, I will fucking kill you. Figuratively, of course, but perhaps not. I may beat you so bad, you'll drop dead right then and there. One thing is for sure though, you will never beat me. Well, I have covered just about everything. I have made Jericho look like a fool, which wasn't hard at all, y'know?

Michael Cole: Well, you're not done. You slept through the second half of his interview. He said a couple of other things about you. I have them here on this tape recorder.

Mr. Ass: Damn, I must always be on this pervert's mind. Sickening and pathetic. He adores me. I get this a lot. I'm like the Mango of the World Wrestling Federation. That's not a good thing.

Michael reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a tape recorder this time. Billy simply rolls his eyes, as Michael fast forwards it, listens for the appropriate part, and then turns it on.

Chris Jericho: Why do i call myself the savior???Because i am the savior but not just of the WwF but of the entire flaundering world..and it is not just coincidence that Billy Gunn exists on this world because it's true the world does suck because of him!Now Billy Gunn it isn't that i don't like him..I just striaght up hate him..And in am sick of his going twenty places a day giving 20 promo's a day like he has no life..because i know he does so he needs to live it!He makes all the other wrestlers look like they don't give a damn about the WwF when they really do!Also not that i have anything against gay people but Billy Gunn is also clearly gay which is not good his name says it all!

Mr. Ass: He thinks he's the savior of the world now? What? This guy can't even speak proper English, and he's going to save the world? Jericho, Jericho, Jericho... My ignorant little enemy. You are not the savior of anything. No one even likes you. How can they? You obsess over other wrestlers... Me... The people can hardly understand a word you're saying. And besides that, you suck. How can you cheer that, unless you're a Jericholic, which is another word for alcoholic, because you have to be dead ass drunk to cheer for Chris Jericho. Blaming me for this world "sucking". Idiot, it's better because of me. You represent the Trailor Park, White Trash that this world doesn't need. You  have poor reading and math skills. You have bad breath. You don't know who your father is. You use drugs on a regular basis. And stealing isn't actually stealing to you, it's just barrowing. Me on the other hand. I hate to toot my own horn, but damn, I'm loved everywhere I go. I'm dating Cameron Diaz. I am the King of the Ring. I come from a good home with both parents. I never had to resort to using narcotics. I keep good hygiene, and everyone knows that. I kick the asses of thieves on a regular basis. And I am quite intelligent, especially compared to you. Oh yeah, and then there's the difference between me and you in the ring. I'm actually good...

Michael Cole: I guess that sums it up pretty good.

Mr. Ass: Damn right, Michael Cole. And now he hates me. Ouch, I'm so very sad now, Jericho. No, honestly I don't care. I respond to your piece of crap of a segment because I'm getting a laugh out of talking about you this way. This is hilarious. Twenty places a day? Hilarious. I don't have a life, and that's why I have maybe twenty appointments a day with endorsers, directors, other federations, oh, that one slipped. Yeah, I have no life because I have so many places to go and so many things to do. I don't have a life because I'm having fun every second of the time I'm meeting these deadlines, and making these locations. I have so many people I meet on a day to day basis, many of which would have nothing to do with you if you were the last man, I mean creature on Earth. Yeah Jericho, I have no life. I have no life because I'm one of the highest wrestlers in demand. Yeah, I have no life. I guess I better break it to your ignorant ass now, this is a hell of a lot of sarcasm here. You can't make yourself look any worse. Oh, I spoke too soon. You hate me because I'm so damn good that I make all other wrestlers look like they don't care about the federation, when they do. Thanks, we call that a compliment here in the United States. Must be a put-down in Canada. You stupid nugget, don't hate me because I'm that... damn... good. Where have I heard that one before? 

Anyway, since when am I gay, Jericho. Is this your decision? Or is this a dream you had about me? After all, you're obsessing over me. You want to get a piece of the ass, Jericho? Faggot, I can see ya' droolin' right now. Billy Gunn doesn't swing that way. That would probably explain why I date the opposite sex, and the federation, oh, and also you have seen me in action. Jericho, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful. You're truly pathetic to stoop that low. That only shows how you are truly a piece of white trash. Again, and for the last time, you are nothing. I mean, c'mon, you even rip the open layout of your segments from hard working wrestlers like the little Hardy Boyz. Either one would kick your ass faster than the amount of time a bucket of chicken lasts at Oprah Winfrey's home. What's worse, you couldn't even do it right. It looked terrible. If you're gonna do it, make it look go jackass. What do your fans think about you ripping ideas from wrestlers and adoring others? I bet they look down on that. Yes, it's truly sad behavior. You should be ashamed of your poor pathetic self. Ha! You think you're a superstar because you're on the cover of a magazine. Hilarious.

Michael Cole: Well, that was pretty good Billy. You haven't lost your touch.

Mr. Ass: Shut up and get your lips off my ass. 

Michael Cole: ... This concludes our broadcast of another Mr. Ass segment. He is in fact the Top Gunn of the federation. Where would we be without him?

Mr. Ass: Yeah, you read that cue card through and through. Vincent is a good man. He knows talent when he sees it, and Jericho ain't it. Who signed him?! Ah, who cares. He's probably being paid to lose. If not, he's going to be getting ripped off, because he's a natural for losing, like I'm a natural for winning. He reminds me of Edge and Christian, or as they like to call themselves, the Maple Leaf Fags.

Michael Cole: No, I'm pretty sure that's 'Blondes', Billy.

Mr. Ass: And I'm pretty sure that if you keep talkin', you'll find my foot up your ass. Get me? They're now to be referred to as the Maple Leaf Fags. Here we have a couple of fools who believe that because they stepped in the ring with me, and had their asses kicked thoroughly, that they have earned the right to even speak to me. Edge and Edge's little brother are third class wrestlers. Damn, they aren't even mid-carders, and they want a piece of me? They want a piece of the infamous Billy Gunn. What have they been smokin'? They're definitely doing something Mike, I mean, how else can you explain those boring and tedious interviews they give that are filled with bullshit. What's with these openings that interviews now have? I initially thought that Chris Jericho's was the worse, but the idea was right, and perfected by those Rockers. But I fear that I have seen the worse in federation history in the Maple Leaf Fags' opening. Pathetic... Everyone wants a piece of the Ass. I'm the most famous wrestler in the business, and all of these wrestlers here in the World Wrestling Federation, just can't stop talkin' 'bout me. I'm on everyone's mind. Everyone wants a piece of the Ass.

Voice: Ass, as in... you?

The camera swings to the figure that stands before Billy Gunn. Cameron Diaz is this figure, who stands here wearing a white shirt with a swimsuit top underneath, that is clearly easy to see since her shirt is wet. Her bluejean shorts are not, but her hair is also wet. Michael Cole sits star stuck as his gazes at the captivating Cameron Diaz. She holds a drink in her right hand as one eyebrow is raised as she awaits Billy's answer. He lowers his glasses and acts as if he's pouting. Then under his breath he says...

Mr. Ass: Yes, Cameron...

Cameron Diaz: Really... So Billy, who are we talking about now?

Billy glances over to Michael Cole, who's sitting in the spot that he reserved for Cameron. Using this as a way to stall his answer, he begins to yell at Michael Cole, screaming for him to move. He pushes Mike off the lawn chair, and onto his ass. Cameron smiles and steps over Michael Cole, who's laying motionless under his own command. She lays beside Billy, sipping her drink, and then saying...

Cameron Diaz: Well...

Mr. Ass: Oh yes. I'm just talkin' about Edge and Edge's little brother. 

Cameron Diaz: Wow, that tells me a lot. You know I don't watch that garbage, Billy.

Mr. Ass: Then why do you want to know... Cameron?

Cameron Diaz: Because I just do.

Billy sighs as she simply smiles, knowing Billy is bound to tell her.

Mr. Ass: Edge is a lanky fellow who is quite fond of himself. He poses for the "fans" that he thinks he has, and pretty much attempts to belittle the careers of all those around him. I kicked his as-

Cameron clears her throat, and Billy then rolls his eyes, and says...

Mr. Ass: I kicked his... His... Butt! I kicked his butt.

Derek: Ouch, you never say butt. In your entire career here, you have never said butt. My God, I have to keep this tape.

Mr. Ass: You bleep that out, do you hear me Derek?!

Cameron laughs as Billy says...

Mr. Ass: Do you want to hear this or not?!

She begins to attempt to hold back the laugh and she nods...

Mr. Ass: Edge is no match for me, even when there's interference. He will never beat me, and why? He's like sooo not good enough. Same goes for his brother. He's even worse. I have to say one thing though, he made it pretty far in the King of the Ring. He made it to the finals even, but there I destroyed him and became King of the Ring. These to don't appreciate the honor. They're trying to depreciate it, but to no avail. I see it this way, had they managed to beat me, they'd better rolling in victory, not letting anyone forget about their achievement. They're sore losers. Babe, it seems like everyone hates me because I'm too good. Oh golly, sometimes I wonder, how would my life be if I wasn't this good...

We travel into the thoughts of Billy Gunn, as if this were a dream. This scene is somewhat reminiscent of the times characters on television have dreams, and the view is taken there. Here, the scene changes to a Raw Is War event. All is quite, but then suddenly a countdown appears on the screen. ...5 ...4 ...3 ...2 ...1. The lights are out, as the crowd is still silent. Seconds later, an ear rattling noise like a gunshot is heard as pyro shooting from the stage is seen. On the stage, we now see a short, stubby character, with his back to the camera, and his arms out at his sides. He then swings around, with the crowd still silent. It appears that this is the body of Jericho, but with the head of Billy Gunn. He then says, "Welcome to Raw Is Jericho!" and the crowd does not respond. He repeats himself, and still, no answer. He then says, "You all suck!". The fans finally have life in them as they jeer, and shoot fingers. This freak on stage smiles, and makes his way to the ring. We return to poolside with Cameron trying to wake Billy up from the day dream. She does, and he promptly says...

Mr. Ass: My God... If it wasn't for this body, this athleticism, and these killer good looks, I would be Jericho. Yuck!

Cameron Diaz: Oh stop it, Billy. You know that's not a nice thing to say.

Mr. Ass: Cameron, this is a segment. It is my job to belittle those who oppose me and it's my god given right.

Cameron Diaz: Fine, Billy. Just finish so we can finally go swimming.

Mr. Ass: Thank you, kindly. To continue with this Ambiguously Gay Duo, The Maple Leaf Fags, do not hate me because I'm beautiful. I told Jericho the same damn thing. Don't call me ugly because you don't look as good as I. Don't call me ugly because I am far more attractive than you. That's not nice little boy, and saying cruel things like that about someone who's far better than you is not cool either. Now, to finish off this ever so boring topic of this duo, I refuse your challenge. You don't have anything I want. By kicking your... butts, again, I prove nothing. Actually, by going into a match with you again, I make myself look bad. It will be as if I'm picking on you two. I want the World Title. Do either one of you have the World Title? Come to think of it, do either one of you have a title? Hell no! Forget the Blood Bath Match, and the... 

Billy Gunn laughs to himself...

Mr. Ass: The Kiss My Ass Match. You think because the word "ass" is in the stipulation title that it's my specialty match. I have no joy in kissing people's asses like you might, Edge. That's not me. Being how damn good I am, my ass is kissed by others, but I don't bow down to anyone. You truly are a queer to want that match. No, your challenge will not be honored. If you have a problem with that, I've got three words for you, and being the queer that you are, you won't have a problem with this...  

Kiss My Ass!

Cameron scowls as Billy says...

Mr. Ass: I'll work on it, okay?

Cameron Diaz: I'm not worried about it. You're right, you'll work on it, mister. Now, c'mon, lets take a dip in the pool.

Mr. Ass: Nah, I'm just not feeling it today.

Cameron removes her shirt, and removes her pants, revealing her swimsuit bottom to be nothing but a thong.

Mr. Ass: Oh... I'm feeling it now. Yeah, and that works on more levels than one.

Billy jumps out of the lawn chair, and grabs Cameron by the waist as they walk over to the stair that descend into the water. They're both all smiles as the scene is directed to the fallen Michael Cole. He says...

Michael Cole: This has been the World Wrestling Federation, bringing you segments at there best. Ah damn, I can't do this anymore. I quit. Turn that damn thing off!

The scene expires there...

Ass Productions
World Wrestling Federation
USA NetworkThis has been a presentation from Ass Productions in association with the World Wrestling Federation. Mr. Ass simply threw a segment togther, just to make Jericho look like an idiot. Someone beat him to it. Jericho likes to rip the ideas from wrestlers. We, here at Ass Productions do not know if The Rockers will press charges. Rest assured Jericho, we will if you ever try something like that with us. Get an imagination you prick. And we have three words for you... Kiss Our Asses!