Guys, ready? Good. We’re rollin’ in five… four… three… two… one! We’re go!
Lillian Garcia: I am here in the home of Billy Gunn, live with this incredible athlete. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am as I sit here with Mr. Ass. I’m really a big fan. It’s great to see you here in the World Wrestling Federation, and Billy, I must say, you look better than ever. You are definitely a Brad Pitt with attitude!
Mr. Ass: You’ll quickly learn that Billy Gunn always looks better and better, as he raises the standard for perfection in a man, and more importantly and more specifically, he raises the standard for perfection in an ass. And please, don’t compare me to Brad Pitt. I look far better than him, and I can actually kick ass, as opposed to acting like I can.
Lillian begins to laugh as Billy looks on in confusion. He quickly stops here and says…
Mr. Ass: Whoa, babe, I’m serious here.
Lillian sits up in here chair, and glares at Billy in surprise as she responds…
Lillian Garcia: Oh, well, I see. A little arrogant there, aren’t we?
Billy simply nods his head, as Lillian shuffles a hand full of index cards.
Lillian Garcia: Well, Mr. Ass, lets get this interview on the roll, shall we. Tell me and our viewers, Billy, how do you feel about your unbelievable accomplishments here in the World Wrestling Federation?
Mr. Ass Throughout my long career here in the World Wrestling Federation, I have often been described as a wrestler with incredible potential. Many of the losers filling the roster of the World Wrestling Federation would kill for such a compliment, or at least acknowledge the fact that it is a compliment. This only adds to the pile of differences between myself and the poor excuses for wrestlers in all of sports entertainment. Having some hillbilly announcer describe you as good talent means absolutely jack, considering I having done anything with this “potential”. Throughout my life, I have always been a champion. When met with diversity, I rose to the occasion, beat the odds, and established myself as a winner. However, I have yet to capture the most illustrious prize in the business. The championship that few obtain, and most dream about. This is a prize that would drive best friends to part, and turn the love between brothers to pure hatred. This prize is the World Wrestling Federation Title. It’s your right to identify yourself as not only the best in the federation, but also the best in the business as a whole. In case you haven’t figured it out, I want that title. I have been deprived for far too long. It’s my turn to take my place in the sun, or in the words of an asshole, it’s my time. King of the Ring… Nine, ten, eleven time tag team champion… Intercontinental Champion… The track record is padded with great accomplishments, but again, it’s missing the World Title.
Lillian Garcia: You quoted someone, whom you refer to as an asshole. I’m stepping out on a limb here in my attempt to identify the person you are referring to, but is it Triple H?
Mr. Ass:You’re a witty one aren’t ya’? Yeah, he’s the pig-headed, brown nosing, prick I’m referring to. You’ve seen in the past how much of an ass kisser he his. Think back to his time with Team Corporate, and how he gave the credit for his then minimal success to Vince McMahon to earn brownie points with the “boss”. It’s no mystery that I have a strong dislike for Triple H, by my use words to describe him and my tone of voice. I’m actually sick to my stomach at the thought of him. I’m also sick to the stomach at the thought o how I followed this fool, in the faction that is quite famous among the history of the World Wrestling Federation. Don’t get me wrong, this faction pushed my popularity a great deal. If it wasn’t for the Degeneration X, I would not be the man you see before you. Yet, I ask this question day after day. If I didn’t join the Degeneration X, would I be better than what I have become, or worse. I honestly believe that I would be better. Without Degeneration X, I would control my own destiny. I would have to follow the orders of a selfish nimrod, or be teamed with a slightly over-weight dancer, who I must admit, has talent, but has been carried by the Ass Man throughout their entire tag team career together. Hunter Hearst Hemsley bumped The Heartbreak Kid out of the leadership role in Degeneration X to obtain self-gain. He recruited Jesse James, X-Pac, and myself to back him up. Why? Shawn Michaels made Triple H, and he could definitely break him. With us backing him, Shawn would have to think twice about raging war against The Game, because he had an army behind him. Another reason why we were contacted by him and Chyna was because Triple H wanted to take Degeneration X farther than Shawn was able to. We were pawns in a chess game The Game was playing, lady. We fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
Lillian Garcia: I see. That’s quite the interesting story. You really have a great deal of hatred toward Hunter. As all things are settled in the World Wrestling Federation, I expect you to get revenge. However, I want to get into the relationship you and the Road Dogg shared, and why you two aren’t together any longer.
Mr. Ass: I have never had a problem with Jesse. That’s my boy. We go way back. I mean c’mon, lady, we’ve won countless Tag Team Titles and we were without a doubt the top tag team in the business. Though, like I said before, it’s my turn to step into the spotlight of fame without the rap spittin’ Tennessee native. Will we cross paths in the future? Perhaps, but as long as those paths are friendly, I won’t ever have to hand him his ass in the ring.
Lillian Garcia: Since this entire interview has ventured into the subject of the Degeneration X, tell me, Billy, what are your feelings on X-Pac?
Mr. Ass: Sean? Heh, I never really cared for the scrawny punk. He’s like a little Triple H, y’know. Very arrogant, and would sell his mother if he profited from it in any way. Also, like Triple H will kiss the raw asses of the World Wrestling Federation executives, X-Pac will slobber over Triple H’s. I look at it this way, sure Triple H brought him back into the WWF, but damn, you don’t have to stay that loyal to the guy. Triple H turned his back on X-Pac before, but when Triple H was ready to comeback because his past ways had caught up with him, he took him back with open arms. Then screwed over the only person who was ever a true friend to him. He’ll burn for what he did to Kane, and I will be there to light the match. What am I saying, you ask? I’m glad ya’ did.
Lillian Garcia: No, I didn’t ask you that.
Mr. Ass: Sure ya’ did, and it was a good question, babe. You’re good at what you do. Here’s the scoop, I want the World Title just as much as the next man, but I have some unfinished business to attend to. That business is the Degeneration X. I am ashamed of the days I wasted with them, and in order to live with myself, I must figuratively destroy each and every one of the members of the original faction under Triple H. Triple H, Chyna, and X-Pac, minus Jesse James, because to be perfectly honest, I haven’t seen him around. Through this plan, I will make it clear to the WWF that I am a force to be reckoned with. This federation will realize that their franchise athlete has arrived, and he’s equipped with a Fame-Ass-Er, a Jackhammer, and a fabulous ass. I can’t help but notice that the WWF is behind in ratings to the ever popular and leading promotion, World Championship Wrestling. Wanna topple the giant WWF? Get ass! Lillian, you sit in the presence of a freakin’ wrestling God who has been held back from achieving what he potentially can. That would be invincibility. I won’t be touched when I achieve the level in which I will strive so hard to achieve. Everyone must understand this. No one can second guess just how good I am, because I’m too damn good to be underestimated. Sure, I can sit back and talk about how great I am, and many of you will point that out. Yet, when you do point this out, pray to God that you will not be the first to play witness and experience just how good I am. Believe me, it will not be a healthy experience for you. Don’t believe me, huh? The former members of the Degeneration X will soon know to fear me and so will you. I will go down in the record books as one of the most complete wrestlers in federation history. Oh, and of course, the best. The wrestling fans will one day look back in time and list the wrestlers who changed the sport of wrestling for the better. They’ll say, “There was Ric Flair, Sting, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and then there was Ass!”
Lillian Garcia: Those are quite strong words there, Billy. I… I don’t know what to say, but I can’t wait to see if you’re truly as good as you say. I simply can’t wait! I thank you for giving me the opportunity to interview you. You’re a great wrestler, and an arrogant person.
Mr. Ass: Ah, confidant, babe. Not arrogant, confidant, and there’s nothing wrong with being confidant.
Billy Gunn rises to his feet. Lillian does the same, feeling the interview come to its end.
Mr. Ass: I have said a great deal in this interview, and I meant everything I said. Things are gonna change in the life of Billy Gunn and for the better. You’ll either hate me or love me, either way, you can kiss my ass!
Billy turns his back to the camera and pulls down his pants, mooning the viewing public. Lillian falls out of the camera as she trips in surprise. He returns to his previous position quickly, and then says while giving a crotch chop…
Mr. Ass: And if you’re not down with that, I’ve got two words for ya’!