Ass Productions Proudly Presents to you...
An X-Rated Segment Starring
Mr. Ass in...
Disclaimer: Ah, screw the disclaimer!
The scene opens in the city of Austin, Texas. Austin is one of the fastest growing cities in the United States and many believe that it may very well be the next Silicon Valley. Night has fallen on this city, that's quite innocent compared to cities like New York, or Los Angeles, where crime just comes with the territory. By the introduction, it's obvious that this is an Ass Production. The camera gets a glimpse of the city from about, caputuring the city's most attractive spots, including 6th Street, where students at the University of Texas get drunk and laid. Ah, paradise, eh? The scenery of this city, as the sun hits the horizon is beautiful, and could bring a tear to a man's eye. Any man, but Billy Gunn, who just doesn't give a damn. He's more into himself, and with great reason. He's the Ass Man. Quite possibility one of the most entertaining men in all of Sports Entertainment. Austin also happens to be the hometown of the Ass Man, Billy Gunn. Billy Gunn will be one of the thirty men participating in the Royal Rumble coming up this weekend. Gunn vows to come away with the victory, and because he's new to PWO, there's not one man in the entire promotion that he respects. Billy Gunn is seen here lounging in his recreation room, with a bag of chips to his side. He's sitting in a Mr. Ass T-Shirt and black silk boxers. The room is dark, with the only light shinning on Billy from the television. He empties the bag of chips into his mouth, then looks into the camera. He's about to say something, but he then puts up one finger, as he stands and steps out of the scene. The camera rises, as Gunn walks to the back of the room, and flicks on the light. The recreation room is stocked with a pool table, video games and their respective systems, a bar, big screen television, etc. Gunn returns to his seat, then takes the remote and turns off the television. He once again looks to the camera, and now says...
Mr. Ass: How the hell did you get into my house?
Cameraman: Ah, shit, Gunn, don't tell me you don't remember me.
Mr. Ass: ... Can't say that I do.
Cameraman: Derek. Derek McMichaels, no relation to Debra McMichaels. C'mon, I know you remember me. I filmed everyone of your segments in the last promotion you were in. What was it, Real Wrest-
Mr. Ass: Stop. Don't say that. The suits of this promotion could have my head for allowing someone to even murmur the name of another promotion.
Derek stares at him a bit confused, as if Gunn just said he was contemplating suicide.
Mr. Ass: What?
Derek McMichaels: Well, Gunn. I'm a little shocked. You never played up to the authorities, y'know? You're Mr. X-Rated himself! What the hell are you watching your step now? I remember the first time we met. You were caught in a traffic jam, and I jumped into your convertible with my camera, and we shot a segment right off the bat. Of course, you were pissed about my timing, but the coolest thing about our exchanges is that I always find you at the strangest of times. Like this one. Well, anyway, after we got out of the traffic jam, you went into Titan Towers, and sprayed down everyone in lobby with a super soaker four thousand five hundred, twenty-one.
Mr. Ass: Hey, did you hear they're comin' out with a Super Soaker twelve thousand nine hundred and twenty-seven part 2?
Derek McMichaels: Yeah, I heard- Look Gunn, I think you should go back to your original ways. It did wonders for your career. You were the man, Gunn.
Mr. Ass: And who the hell are you to tell me what's best for Mr. Ass, huh? You're a freakin' cameraman, Derek! You want to know why I'm doin' this? I want to get to the top, Derek. Pissing off authority figures isn't the quickest way to rise to the top, I assure you. I figure, if I can get in favor of someone in this- Wait, what I am I saying? I'm the Badd Ass. I'm Mr. Ass. I'm the Ass Man. Get in favor of someone? Damn, I'm losing my mind. I have no respect for anyone here. How the hell can I have respect for someone, when I honestly believe I'm ten times better than they are? Yeah. I'm ten times better then the men who are considered the best in this promotion. Mr. Ass has hit the scene, and it's his time, his show, and this will be his federation. Oh, you didn't know? Your ass better call somebody. I have you, the camera man to shoot the most beautiful specimen in Sports Entertainment. Well, lets get an introduction goin' here... How about this, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls- Nah, Jesse James ran that one into the ground. He's used the same damn introduction since Ghandi was born. Okay, got it... Finally, the Ass has come back- No, no, no... I don't know if I've ever been here before, and I doubt The Rock has ever set foot in a lot of the places he's claimed. Jack ass. I guess I'll have to work on that... Ah... Forget an introduction... A man like myself needs no introduction! Who's ass compares to mine? My ass is critically acclaimed, and I may have an Oscar Nomination for it. It's quite the sight, so perhaps a Nobel Prize is in the future for me. Who looks as good as the Ass Man? Damn he's a great looking guy. Who's skill compares to mine? I am the man who wields the strongest and most dangerous weapon in the wrestling world... The Fame-Ass-Er. I am clearly the most athletic man in the wrestling world. Six five with the agility of a Cruiser-Weight? Y ou gotta be kiddin' me! With my talent, this ass, and my incredible looks, people, the sky's the limit. Tammy, you gotta see this, babe. C'mon, the future of this company is staring you in the face. Al Snow, the greatest Television Champion of all time. That's good for him, but he's a chump with a chump title. Only a chump would actually want these belts. To be a competitor, you must always crave to reach to the top in your respective field of competition. By striving for lesser titles, you lose the game before you even start playing. So let's make this perfectly clear to my fans and my fellow wrestlers, I'm gunnin' for the World Title.
Gunnin'. Ha! That was pretty cool, don't you think? ... Guess not, but the point I'm trying to get across is clear. I'm after the World Title. I don't feel like climbing a fuckin' ladder! Not when I don't have to? Why should I? I am the Ass Man. I am Mr. Ass. I am the Badd Ass Billy Gunn. The best technician with the best stamina, with the strongest drive. No one can bounce back from near-defeat to rebound as smoothly as I can. No one in the world combines power with grace, balance, and skill the way I do. There are a lot of great wrestlers out there, but no one is the complete package. No one except me, not Triple H, not Scott Hall. I'm locked, cocked, and ready to go. Where? I'm ready to win it all. I'm ready to begin my dominance in the wrestling world. This dominance shouldn't be difficult to obtain. My quest begins at the Royal Rumble. It's my shot to begin the New Era of The Ass Man early. Since it's the new year, wrestlers often project the new year to belong to them. Before any of the wrestlers in this federation even begin that crap, I'm telling you now. No matter what you project, or what goals you set for yourself, remember that in the year 2001 till the day I retire from this federation, I own this federation. You are apart of this federation, therefore I own you. I'm here to make a statement. Everywhere I have gone, I have been remember. It's time to start a new, in a federation. Usually, there's one man who falls as my first victim upon my entrance into a federation. You see, it's different this time. Twenty nine men will be tossed out of that ring, and I will remain as the last, winning one hell of a match. All twenty nine of those men will be victims of The Ass Man's aggression and determination. However, I do know this federation has counted me out. Throughout backstage, wrestlers are talking about the favorites in the match... Well wait 'til they get a load of me.
Well, this is ain't the best way to start off my rants for the Rumble. Yet, when I think about it, all I'm gonna do is sit back and talk like every other idiot in this promotion. Why not do it in a comfortable manner, huh? What can be more comfortable than giving an hour rant in my underwear? This segment will be as boring as the next wrestlers, why- No, I'm sorry. I'm lying. This will not be your usual Scott Hall segment or Goldberg segment. This is a Mr. Ass segment, ladies and gentlemen of the viewing public, so you can bet your ass you're going to be entertained. Yet, I have to address every wrestler in the rumble. Dedicating an entire rant to each one of them. Sucks huh? Takes away the quality from my segment. Who the hell wants to watch a man sit in front of a camera, ranting about how great he is? Everybody when it's the Ass Man doin' it. To those of you how just haven't caught on yet, I think I'm the most entertaining man in Sports Entertainment today. Now, I'm saying it, now I have to prove it. Check it. That's the way this business is. You speak on something, then you go out and do it. Now I'm telling you that I will entertain you. I'm telling you that I will win the Royal Rumble, and then the World Championship. I'm telling you I am the future of this federation. This is not bull and these are not false promises. If you think so, you're in for a rude awakening. When you walk into that ring, you walk into my world. A world where one man reigns supreme. And that man goes by the name of Mr. Ass. Stand in my way at a shot at the title my first night on the job? Then you will get your sorry ass knocked down, and that goes for anyone. I'm given a shot to walk away with a shot at the World Title at Wrestlemania. I get up for this, people. Nervous? Hell no! Just ready. I'll win the title. The only title that matters. The World Title. No one has what it takes to contend with the Ass Man. Well, not here anyway. That's why I'm here people. Ass needs to be kicked, and this place needs a respectable champion. The kids need a hero, the women need a man to dream about, and the men need someone to be jealous of. I'm that man, the best thing to ever happen to PWO... The arrival of an Ass Man...
Derek McMichaels: Now that's the Billy Gunn, I know!
Mr. Ass: Shut the hell up, and stop acting like a queer, Derek.
Derek McMichaels: What happened between you and Cameron Diaz?
Mr. Ass: We went our separate ways. We're still cool, and everything, but... I dunno, we just split.
Derek McMichaels: Damn, Gunn. First you two were lovers, then very good friends, and now distant associates. Did you at least tap that ass, Gunn?
Billy just gives him a look as if saying "Are you serious?", then says...
Mr. Ass: What do you think, Derek?
Derek McMichaels: Wow, man. That's some good work there, Gunn.
Mr. Ass: Well hey, this isn't entertaining in the least bit. Let me go put on some jeans, and we'll hit the town. Maybe we'll even get you laid, Derek.
Billy Gunn rises from his spot on the couch, and heads to another part of the house. Derek places the camera down, and leaps over the counter of the bar, and begins to search cabinets and small refrigerators under the counter. He pulls out a large glass of champagne, pops the top, and begins to drink it down. He looks over to the camera, realizing it's still on. He spits out the champagne in his mouth, and moves quickly to the camera, and turns it off. The scene is restored, with Gunn and McMichaels standing outside the front door of Gunn's large Austin home. Gunn is wearing a Mr. Ass black bandana, purple tented sunglasses, bluejeans, and a Mr. Ass T-shirt. Derek is wearing a PWO hat backwards, with a black shirt, and khaki pants. As they walk out to the car parked in Gunn's huge drive way, Gunn makes conversation...
Mr. Ass: So how did you get work with PWO?
Derek McMichaels: I didn't...
Mr. Ass: Huh?
Derek McMichaels: Actually... You're paying me, Gunn.
Mr. Ass: What?!
Gunn stops abruptly...
Derek McMichaels: Okay... It looks like you want the story.
Mr. Ass: Oh, are you sure I don't look like I want to kick your ass?
Derek McMichaels: Look Gunn, Cameron is like Vice President of Ass Productions. She hired me. I mean, even though it's named after you, you don't have total control.
Mr. Ass: My ex-girlfriend is Vice President of the production studio I made famous...
Derek McMichaels: It's not too bad, right? You guys split on good terms, right?
Mr. Ass: Wrong. So I lied. Over the time I wasn't wrestling, we had an argument. I saw her with that guy from There's Something About Mary. You know, the one she used to date. I can't remember his name, but he was the guy that Ben Stiller hired to spy on the character Cameron was playing. Well, you know they dated each other before I got with her. Anyway, I saw them, walking in the rain. They were holding hands and I'll... Never be the same.
Derek McMichaels: That's a line from a song.
Mr. Ass: I bet you there's not one person in this federation who knows where I got that song from. Just get in the car.
Billy and Derek, get into Gunn's red Mustang. Gunn backs out aggressively, then speeds off into the street, and heads for downtown Austin, Texas. Billy continues in the car...
Mr. Ass: Anyway, to get back at her, I went out with some chick from Los Angeles. No, I don't remember her name. I don't remember the names of half the girls I go out with. Anyway, it just so happens that we both went to the same restaurant. Cameron with that idiot from her movie, and me with that freak from LA. There, we had a big argument, and the relationship ended.
Derek McMichaels: I know.
Mr. Ass: Well, why didn't you stop me from talking about it?
Derek McMichaels: Your fans probably want to know, Gunn.
Mr. Ass: Ah, I see. Good job.
Derek McMichaels: After she broke up with you, she applied for the job, and she got it. Now I guess you'll never be rid of her.
Mr. Ass: We'll see about that, we're going over to the headquarters right now, Derek.
Derek McMichaels: Well, while we're riding, tell me what's up with the participants in the Rumble...
Mr. Ass: Y'know, Taz comes to mind right off the bat. I kinda feel sorry for the little guy. He's going in first. I'll be perfectly honest here, there's no way he's going to win this. I think only one person has went from number one and one it all, but it's never happened in this promotion, I'm sure. I don't know much more about the guy than the way he wrestles. When it comes to what he has endured throughout his career in this federation, I could care less. That goes for every other wrestler here, actually. Anyway, a New Yorker, 'eh? Tough 'eh? I'm not impressed. You see I'm a Texan and I'm as tough as they come, but much more goes along with that package, buddy. I have the total package. I'm the most versatile wrestler in the business. I can do it standard or hardcore. Submission, technical, or brawling. I have it all. This guy doesn't have a damn thing on me when it comes to talent. I have more talent in my dick than he has in his entire body, got that? I'm sure that when he's hears my comments, he's gonna be pissed. Well, good, cause that's what I'm here for, to kick ass and piss people off while I do it. I making it a goal to knock his ass out of the ring. That won't be hard. He's a midget. Doesn't this federation have any pride? What kind of promotion allows a guy like Taz into their federation? If I were in charge, the closest he would get to the ring is cleaning the stands after a big PWO event. If not, I'll pay him to lose, so I can get some actual talent over. Not that he could help losing. It's not like when I give him the money to lose, he'd actually be throwing the match. He couldn't win it if he tried. But I figure, if you're going to suck, you might as well get paid for it. Just ask Taz's mother. She has a mouth like vacuum cleaning, and do you think for a second she doesn't collect her money, right after she takes care of the "job"? You bet your ass she does! Maybe that should be Taz's new profession! I'll get him started on the right track come Saturday. Kid, I hate you as much as you hate me. If you love me to the point where everytime I pause during a sentence you give a standing ovation, or if you hate me to the point where everytime I pause you toss a soft drink at my head, it doesn't matter. What matters is you recognize that fact that I am the greatest wrestler you have ever seen grace the squared circle with his presence. As long as you do understand this, I'm content. But in order to prove that to you, I'll have to stomp every man in my way of achieving this goal. Unfortunately for Taz, he's one of the wrestlers in my way.
Now, Scott Hall is a guy I know a little about. How could I not? He's become famous for losing. Losing to Triple H, twice. He's lost others, but this one stands out. Do you know what this tells me about Hall? It tells me that he can't win the big match. It tells me that Hall can't rise to the occasion and perform in the face of adversity. Well, it doesn't get much bigger than the Royal Rumble. Biggest match in quite possibly the history of this federation. Hall, I'm calling it here and now, you won't win. And even if you do, it'll be a waste. You'd get to Wrestlemania and choke. Losing to the then World Champion, be it Triple H, or possibly me. But that's a big if, considering the fact that I will win the Rumble. So we have Scott Hall. A man thatís really not a dedicated worker or wrestler. What is Scott Hall? Heís a freakiní drunk. I can only imagine the things Scott Hall and Kevin Nash have done together when they were under the influence. Iím sure both have forgotten anyway. Scott Hall, youíre a joke. Youíre trash, man. Youíve done nothing to deserve the position youíre in, and youíre not even a good wrestler. You see, Scott Hall is a controversial person naturally. You think his career was built on his wrestling? Not at all. Scott Hall brings ratings. Iím not afraid to admit it. Not as many as I, but he brings ratings nonetheless. His off camera problems are many, and people love controversy. I, on the other hand, bring ratings without fucking up in my life. Why? Because as I have preached time and time again, Iím Billy Gunn. Thereís no way in hell I should be taken lightly, and if I am, thatís your ass. Iíve belittled the entire foundation Hall lays to claim for being the reason that his success if deserved. He often speaks about why heís a proven player in this promotion and whatnot. Why? Why would he do this, every time we see him? Because he knows otherwise. Heís guilty for the fact that he knows he's an unworthy competitor. He tries very hard to convince people otherwise, but the more he bitches about it, and brings it up, the more we all know that Scott Hall is more talk, and much less bite. Short and simple, there are many people calling you a favorite in this Rumble. I for one see right through the dyed jet black hair, and the pitiful attempt to sound like a macho Hispanic head case. Well, you do a good job of that... Anyway, I know what to expect. I expect you to choke, and I'll be the man to toss your ass out of the ring when you do.
The same goes for his buddies, Goldberg and Kevin Nash. Goldberg... God, I can't wait until we meet in the ring. I'm telling you, I'm tired of hearing about you Jackhammer, and how devastating it is. I want you to feel my Jackhammer, Goldberg. I want you in that ring. Over the time you have been a superstar, wrestlers have actually feared you. Feared! Ha, well, don't expect the same from The Ass Man. At 6'5", and over 260 pounds, I'm your worst nightmare. Hell, if you couldn't even beat Al Snow, then you know I'm your worst freakin' nightmare. Al Snow doesn't match you athletically by any stretch of the imagination, yet you still fell to the Snowplow. Let me tell you something, if we meet in the Rumble, you will fall to the Fame-Ass-Er. This is the deadliest move in the wrestling business. Don't think so? Fine, please, underestimate me. It'll hurt that much more when I land it on you. Now I've said this before, and I'll say it again, I don't know much about you. Hell, I don't know anything about you, except for your wrestling skill, and that ain't much. You're a guy with ten moves, with five that are overrated. It's not uncommon to see Billy Gunn deliver a move like the Diving Fame-Ass-Er off the top rope and a move like the Tilt-A-Whirl Slam in one match. This is the type of versatility you run into when you're dealing with The Ass Man. Are you ready, Goldberg? Nah, I don't think you are. You're a man of false promises. Much like the rest of the wrestlers in this promotion. You told Al Snow that he was gonna be your bitch in the ring... You didn't come through, Billy. You may have the name, but you don't have the swagger. You don't have the smile. Don't have the looks. Damn sure don't have the ass. I dunno, Goldie, I just don't see what's so great about you. At the rumble, don't worry about proving me wrong, 'cause you're gonna prove me right. Yeah, I'm definitely right about you totally sucking. I mean, you suck more the Monica in the Oval Office. Ooo, think about that one. I know you're a little slow...
Then there's the British Bulldog... You know, it's funny. When Michael Cole asked this loser if the tension of the Rumble was getting to him, he replied, "Michael Cole have you gone senile? Are you forgetting who you're talking to?" At that point, I wish I was Michael Cole so I could have slapped the taste out of his fucking mouth for replying with such bullshit. Bulldog? Nah, let's refer to this loser as the British Bullshit. Ole' Bullshit has been in this situation before, and so has most of the guys who are going into the Rumble. Now, I admit, most of them probably got knocked out extremely quick, but realistically, they were never in the running for the World Title in the first place. Now, we have the British Bullshit who choked when he was put to the test in the Rumble. He almost won... Almost... But now, he's biggest accomplishment in wrestling is losing to Shawn Michaels in won of the most entertaining displays by a wrestler in wrestling history. Uh, Bullshit, I hope your eyes aren't lighting up, 'cause I assure you, I'm not talking about you. That was your time. Like the Utah Jazz versus the Chicago Bulls. The Jazz will never return to the big game. That was their change to take it all. And think about it, they had that opportunity twice! Bullshit, I'll make sure you don't get a second opportunity. And I may not have to. You're done. Your time has passed. It's not our fault you didn't take the opportunity and run with it. That was your break. There's no telling how great you could be right now, but that's all wishful thinking. You didn't amount to a damn thing, Davey Boy. It's too late to do anything about it now. Don't worry though, after I win the World Title and Wrestlemania, I'll consider you as one of my first title defenses. How's that little buddy? Yeah, I thought that would put a smile on your fat ass face. You see my stubby little friend, you're entering into the era for the Ass Man. You're just in the wrong place and the wrong time to start talking revolution, because the revolution in PWO is sitting before you.
Ah, who's next? Oh, how about Lance Storm? Here's the one reason why the United States is better than Canada... The Ass Man is United States of America born and raised. Wanna know why Canada sucks? Lance Storm is Canada born and raised. People will start to give a damn about your country when you give them something worth watching in the ring. Storm, you're like watching a game between the Cincinnati Bengals versus the Cleveland Browns. Boring as hell. And consider this, your submission move, the Maple Leaf is something else. I'll have to give you your props, because it's made some of the greatest tap out... No it hasn't! Ha! But anyway, it's no good to you in the rumble, kid. Think about it. If you were to get lucky and lock it on me, someone will kick you out of the hold, and since your guard will be done, they'll throw you of the ring. As a matter of fact, I'll watch for you. I won't have fight ya'. But as soon as you lock that move on someone, I'm diving on your ass, then kicking you of the ring, over the top rope of course. You're a pretty good technician, but pretty good ain't good enough when you're trying to win the World Title. You don't have a chance. While you're a good technical wrestler, I'm the best. You have nuttin' on me, Storm, and I have everything on you. If I don't knock you out of the ring, someone else will. I doubt you'll last too long in the Rumble. Matter of fact, I'll make sure you don't. You entered this federation at the wrong time trying to win the World Title, because it's the Ass Man's time. It's my time, once again. Don't think so? You and Canada can kiss my ass! Then, right after you do that, watch as what I have predicted comes to pass. Watch as I become World Champion. Watch as I dominate the federation. Just watch...
Big Vito... Why did he just come to mind? It must be that piece of crap segment he put together earlier today. Yes, that has to be it. One of the very first things he said was, "I finally get the chance I have been waiting for and I believe all of you know what I am talking 'bout. I am talking bout the chance to get a title shot at WrestleMania." Let me be perfectly honest here, no you don't. Hell no, Vito. You can't win the Rumble. I'm so sure you can't win the Rumble, it's not even funny. You can't win. I've already put bets down on your ass. Your family thinks you can win, and sure, with a name like Vito, it's believable that his family is filled with people who like the gamble. Anyway, it's sad when I have to do this, but hey, that's apart of being a wrestler. It's my job to rip into your ass, and totally decrease what little confidence you have. Hey, don't worry about Shawn and Bill, worry about Billy. Did you come from the minor leagues prematurely or something, because... Damn! And when I say minor leagues, I'm not talking about development promotions, I'm talking about remedial English. Dumb asses like you are why people think our school systems are failing. Stop worrying about beating peoples' asses. I think you should focus on Hooked On Phonics, pal. Yeah, it's necessary, and I think you understand where I'm coming from. But hey, go ahead and have fun in the Rumble, for the two seconds you're in. Then, go backstage, and get started on a Dr. Seuss book. After I win the rumble, I will join you in the back, and we'll work on your speech patterns and public speaking skills. You see, Mr. Ass isn't such a bad person. Sure, he'll kick your ass. Yeah, he'll definitely kick your ass, but he's not a bad person people. Oh, but shit, you had better fear him! That goes for you Lil' Vito. Fear Billy Gunn!
Okay, and then there's the Big Red Retard, Kane. Hmm... I have to be honest, he could be a problem. The solution? The Fame-Ass-Er. Always remember, Cole. When in doubt, Fame-Ass-Er the problem, and it goes away. Since Kane has become more "human", he's lost his edge. I remember a time when this guy would kick out of anything, or get up from anything. He was that powerful. He was incredible. Now that's he's learned how to talk, he's lost the edge that made him the Big Red Machine. He's weaker than he's ever been before. He'll come to realize quickly that I have never been stronger. I have come back to wrestling in top form. I'm already the best damn wrestler in this place, so the following is really bad news to a guy like Kane... I get better and better after every day that passes. You see, if you're not getting better, you're getting worse. That's why Mr. Ass can always elevate himself to the next level, and defy all odds. Hell, I'm the best damn thing that's ever happened to the sport, and I just get better and better. Damn... I'm good. Kane, I'm sorry pal, but Mr. Ass has hit the seen. This is my federation now. Cancel any plans of a take over you may have had, because there's no way you can make good on it with me here. This all belongs to me now, boy, and so will that World Title when it's all said and done.
Derek McMichaels: Shawn, don't you think that you may be selling Kane a little short. I mean, he's huge-
Mr. Ass: And so is my dick. What's your point? Hmm... I see what you're saying about Kane, but do I look like I care about his size? He could be 7'0" and weight over 300 pounds for all I care.
Derek McMichaels: Actually, he does.
Mr. Ass: Oh, well, I still don't care. Look Cole, I find a way to win. No man is too tall to be exempt from the Fame-Ass-Er. Kane is no exception. But I'll tell you this, I won't cross Kane if I don't have to. Look at my size. Kane dwarfs me. So, I'll let the brothers go at it for a little while. He and the Take hate each other any way. Why not let them slug it out? I'll sit back and watch. When one goes over, I'll sneak up behind the other and push him out. Game over. Or, maybe I won't do that. It all depends on the situation. Just rest assured, I'm your next Royal Rumble winner. You can bet on that. Kane? He's not worthy. He's not deserving of the shot at World Title. The Ass Man doesn't lay down for anybody. Always, and I mean always remember that... Y'know, just thinking about it. Kane has an aggression problem. Maybe getting your ass burnt off will do that to you. I think Kane needs a friend. But every friend he's had has betrayed him. And then after they kick him to the curb, he never seems to get revenge. Chyna with Triple H ripped him apart after Chyna turned on him. He never really got the revenge he wanted against X-Pac, and X-Pac is smaller than me. It seems like when Kane sets out to do something, he just can't get it done... I guess you're not wondering why I'm doubting he can pull out the victory, huh? Rest assured that if he says he's gonna win... He won't.
Val Venis, Val Venis... What happened? You used to be the man! Porn Star supreme. Now, you're a tight pants wearing, crew cut sporting, asshole who thinks he can think for the entire world. Really, what's your goal? Ah, I know, you want to censor PWO ultimately, right? Yeah, I figured. However, you also want to win the World Title. Am I missing something? Where does the World Title, or any belt fit into a plan to censor an entire promotion? Doesn't make much sense. It's delaying your plan, Venis. Let's say for some odd reason, you do win the Rumble, then what? No, let's say you win the World Title, which will never happen, but for the sake of the argument, consider it. You have to worry about defending the title, plus censoring those who are morally unacceptable. You know, you have an anterior motive. You'll use Right To Censor until you garner some prestige in this promotion, and then you'll dump their asses. Am I right? Of course I am! I'm Mr. Ass! I mean, think about it, who could want to live a life as a guy who walks around with his underwear jammed up his ass. Yeah, that's how you walk, buddy. But let me make sure you understand that all of the "what ifs" were merely for the sake of the argument. You will not win the Royal Rumble, because I will. You will never win the title, because when I do win it, there's no chance you'll take it off my shoulders or from around my waist. Shit, there's no way you're going to take it away from me period. Got me? Val, you have no charisma, and not one entertaining bone in your body. I have more skill in my dick, then you have throughout your body. You seriously want to be World Champion? Being World Champion should be like applying for a job. You have have certain qualifications before you could be given the job, or the title, rather. Val, if that were the case... Man, you'd be in the wrong freakin' business. Right To Censor, two words...
Derek McMichaels: Dammit! Watch the road, Gunn!
The car swirls out of control, skidding right into a Diamond Shamrock Corner Store. The car slides into the glass doors of the stores, breaking them, but stopping the car in the process. Smoke is escaping from the hood of the car, as Derek opens the door. He steps out, and calls for Billy. Billy had the worst of the accident since his side was the side that hit the window. Billy is unconscious inside... The scene re-opens in the mind of the Ass Man. In his unconscious state, he has drifted off into a dream. This dream opens in the sky, as jets are hurling by one another, dog fighting in the sky. Where does Billy find himself in this aerial madness? In the middle of it. Ladies and gentlemen, when Ass Productions called this segment Top Gunn, we definitely meant Top Gun the movie, starring Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. By the looks of things, it seems like Billy Gunn is playing the role of Tom Cruise. Gunn is in the front pilot seat, with the character Maverick's good friend, Goose. Billy Gunn has just realized he's no longer in the seat of his Mustang.
Mr. Ass: The sky? Oh shit! I died!
Cougar: Maverick, what the hell are you talkin' about? We have a bogey on I'll tails! C'mon, I can't shake 'em!
Goose: What the hell? He's got missile lock on Cougar! Ah, he's just playing with him. He would have took them out by now.
Mr. Ass: Isn't that what Maverick said?
Goose: Okay, now I'm confused... Help Cougar with that son of a bitch!
Gunn begins to panic as he looks at all of the buttons that are around him.
Mr. Ass: Here goes...
Gunn begins to press buttons which send the plane upside down. He accelerates, catching up with the opposing fighter plane. Gunn looks up, which means he's actually looking down, and shoots the bird at the pilot in the opposing fighter jet. Goose begins to laugh and pulls out a camera.
Mr. Ass: Oh shit, I did it! I don't know how... But I did it!
The opposing fighter plane ducks out of combat, leaving Gunn, Goose, Merlin, and Cougar in the skies alone. Gunn twirls the plane right side up, and now, for the time being, everything is cool.
Goose: Amazing, that'll send him home. Smooth, Maverick, smooth.
Mr. Ass: What else would you expect from me, man? What you must understand is I am The Ass Man. Do you know what that means? Don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna tell ya'. That means I don't lose. I win. I'm a born winner. I'm the best damn wrestler in the history of sports entertainment. Do you think like The Rock can beat me? You're a crazy man if ya' think that. Or maybe, maybe you're just an idiot. I dunno, you make the call. But the point I'm trying to make is a guy like The Rock cannot hang with the man who's bigger than him, but at the same time, far more agile. Yeah, that's right, you're looking at that man. The Rock is a chump. Do you want a chump as a World Champion? At The Royal Rumble, I'm going to exposed Rocky as the chump he is. Iím sure heís lost his fan base, thanks to my return for one reason. And another reason, no one wants to cheer on a loser. The Rock is not one of your most accomplished wrestlers. An elbow drop for a finisher? What gets me is that this elbow drop is not even from the top rope, so I ask you, what kind of damage is this really doing? And why do the victims of this move just lay there. Iím sure you can move a little while that idiot is dancing around the ring, and jumping from rope to rope. I could. Yes, I bet you I could! The Rock has a ten move, move list. At the top of this list we have The Peopleís Elbow. I have already expressed my feelings on this move. Rock Bottom? Pretty good move, but not good enough to keep me down. Spine buster? What the hell? Get real, people! DDT? Everyone in this federation and their mothers can carry out that move. Clothesline? Iíll reverse it, and kick him in the teeth. Well, I could have sworn he had ten moves. I guess I doubled it, huh? Figures. He has five moves. Five legitimate moves. I canít tell you how hilarious this is. This is a man fit for a World Champion? I beg to differ. He has more catch phrases than he has moves. Now that I have stumbled on the subject of his catch phrases, have you ever seen a man say the same thing over and over again so many times? Sometimes I feel like Iím watching a walking, talkiní, broken record.
Goose: What the hell... Maverick... Are you okay?
Mr. Ass: So I'm Maverick... I wonder how long this will last. I remember that in this movie, Cruise gets some action.
Goose: We're not partners anymore... Just get me back to base!
At this time, Maverick and Goose are closing in on the runway. Gunn is panicking as it's obvious he has no experience in the field. Goose isn't trying to instruct him, and as they grow closer, those instructions become commands. Then, they become screaming. Gunn hits the runway to fast, sending the plane in flames... Damn. Ain't that a bitch? Is he dead yet? All of you in the Rumble could only wish... The scene reopens in an ambulance. Gunn is laying on a stretcher as the ambulance is moving quickly through the city of Austin, to a hospital. Gunn rises, as the paramedics try and hold him down. He just sits there on the stretcher, with his face in his hand, and he looks disappointed. He knows that participating in the Rumble may be a long shot now...
Mr. Ass: Damn, my head... I'm not out yet... This just makes it interesting. But I shouldn't have a problem with a guy like Justin Credible. Nice touch with the name, Justin. Too bad for you, your in-ring ability isn't as impressive. Justin, you're one of my least worries. Honestly, there's nothing incredible about you, well, in comparison to me. Justin, I have been in this business a while now. Yes, I am a proven veteran. I've seen them come and go. You're one of them, Credible. I'm sure you will come into this rumble, and go as quickly as you came. It's not that easy to get rid of Mr. Ass. You'll figure this out pretty soon, Credible. Well, maybe you won't. I doubt we'll cross paths in the rumble. We won't have to. I hate to break your heart, Credible, but you will not with the rumble. Why are you here? You know there's no way in hell you can win, yet you have still requested a place in the rumble. It doesn't make much sense to me, but I guess the federation needed to make the rumble a little bigger. Hell, if that was the case, I would recommended to the PWO Officials that they place some women into the event. Lord knows they can probably put on a better show than Credible. And hell, they'd definitely be far more entertaining. Credible, please, for the good of this growing federation, go back where you came from. Originator or what, Credible? Innovator of what, Credible? You've been on the bottom of the wrestling industry a while. People have been walking all over you for years. I don't think it's gonna change now, Credible. As for you and Hardcore, sure. You're Mr. Hardcore. You're from Extemely Crappy Wrestling. Those people in that Philly Federation are crazy. I have no doubt you're hardcore. I honestly don't care, but I know if I needed to, I could probably beat you in that too. Yeah, I'm just that good, Credible. I'm just incredible.
"Above Average" Mike Sanders is another guy who I'm not too worried about. In his debut segment, he called himself average, and he's right. He is average. But hell, if he wants to exaggerate, let him. Let me call himself "Above Average". But what good is it when no one else believe it, or when no one else sees that you're "Above Average". When that happens, you look like a total jackass. Sanders, you fit the role perfectly. Sanders, I have no problem with you. I don't even know you well. I've never talked to you backstage, and from what I hear, that's not such a bad thing. But I do know this, you can't hold a candle to the heat I'm bringing in the Rumble. Don't let this accident fool you, I'll be there full force, and I don't need to be one hundred percent to throw you over the top, or anyone for that matter. I'm Billy Gunn. 'Nuff said. I still can't believe you think you're better than Triple H. Now, I am a little arrogant, but with great reason. I am as good as I say I am. You on the other hand, are not as good as you say you are. You see, you say you're better than Hunter, but then you go for the Cruiserweight Title? Doesn't add up... If you're that much above average, go after the top gold. Oh, that's why you're doing. Duh. But why? You're not that good, obviously, what place do you have in the Royal Rumble? Why the fuck are you competing? You're just taking up space. There are wrestlers on this roster that were entered because PWO Officials think they have a strong chance of winning. I, for one, am one of those people. You? You're just one of the guys who were added at the last second to make sure the Rumble was a traditional thirty man, Royal Rumble. Did you think you had a legitimate chance, Sanders? Did you think you were entered because you were that above average? No! I'm sorry, Sanders, but that's not the case. You're a little below average actually. No, no, no, actually, you just suck!
The Royal Rumble. Now you're talking the Ass Man's language. It's time, ladies and gentlemen of the viewing public. It's my time, to show you that I am for real. About as for real as Outkast in the touching hit single, "Ms. Jackson". World Title. That's what I'm gunnin' for, and as you can see... Okay, maybe not me in this condition, but at one hundred percent, I am definitely a man who can overtake anyone for that piece of gold. It's my time. It's this federation's time. It's this federation's time to have a real champion. A fighting a champion. A champion who brings prestige back to the title, instead of wrestling a guy like Scott Hall over and over again. Yeah, it's time for a revolution in PWO. It's time for the era of the Ass Man! Wrestlers say, especially around the new year, that the year will belong to them, or that they're era will begin. I'm one of those wrestlers. However, the difference between myself and those wrestlers is that... I will make good on my promise. I assure you that the year 2001 is indeed my year. Don't believe me. Doubt me. Laugh at me. I want you to. Because when I do make good on my promise, the looks on your faces will make me all the more happier after you doubted me. Word of advice, never doubt an Ass Man, like the one on this stretcher before you. I'm here, and I'm here to stay. Triple H's time is running out. And if Jarrett wins the title, his time will run out. No matter what the outcome, the time of the reign of a champion other than me will end at WrestleMania. The biggest event in the wrestling industry. I will main event it. That's it! Hit the lights, as Mr. Ass has spoken, and if you're not down with that... three words should be enough explain my feelings about that...
Kiss My Ass!
I'm the new handler of Billy Gunn. It's great to be in PWO, I've been planning to break into it for quite sometime. To get in touch with me, either e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org or AOL IM me at Kyle7x6. I'm free to talk, and easy to work with, so if you have an angle in mind, run it pass me. Thanks, and good luck to everyone in the Rumble, especially Mr. Ass. =)
This segment has been brought to you by Ass Productions. Do not air this segment for profit without the expressed written consent of The Pro Wrestling Online, The Ass Production Team. In other words, don't steal this shit!