The scene opens in the Springfield Mall of Washington D.C., around eight o'clock in the evening. In the food court, we find Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, and the newest member of the crew, Edge, seated in the center of the many tables spread across the food court. The mall is packed with men, women, teenagers, and children of all ages. The guys are each eating a pizza, while they discuss the latest events in the media. Jeff and Matt are wearing National Football League jerseys of their favorite teams. Jeff is wearing a jersey of the St. Louis Rams' Marshall Faulk, with dark blue jeans. Matt is wearing a jersey of Brad Johnson of the Washington Redskins, obviously winning the hearts of the citizens of Washington. While the Hardys seen dressed for the occassion, this is quite the contrary for Edge who's wearing a long leather trench coat with black jeans and a white shirt underneath. He also, as usual, wearing his black sun glasses. The conversation eventually turns to Edge's choice of attire, which is where we pick up...
Jeff Hardy: Uh... In speaking of the badly dressed teens running around this mall, Edge, it's time you make a change.
Edge: What do you mean?
Jeff Hardy: Well, look at what you're wearing compared to our clothes?
Edge: Yeah, so.
Matt Hardy: Jeff, allow me to break it down for him... You dress like a freak! Here's a huge rule about wrestling, you never wear a piece of your uniform during leisure time. This is what we call leisure. We're kicked back and relaxed here in the Springfield Mall, enjoying a little something to eat. You want to where something that's comfortable to you and to others. What you're wearing may make you feel fine, but it's buggin' the hell out of me. Besides, we have a laid back image. You're too uptight. You don't want to be an uptight champion, right?
Matt Hardy: So, today, we're going to make a change in you Edge. Experience is the best teacher, and today, you meet that teacher. The times of champions who say nothing and do nothing have passed. This is the age of the charasmatic champion. You have to appeal to the crowd in many different ways. You need at least three. Here's an example, we have many, but I'll share three with you. Unique moves, incredible talent, and unbelievable charisma, are our three ways of appealing to the crowd. Can you think of three for yourself?
Edge sits back and thinks for a second, then says...
Edge: The girls are wild for me, 'cause of my looks. Um... I have a unique entrance? Yeah, that's it, and, and... I'm a good wrestler.
Jeff Hardy: Being good isn't good enough Edge. Not anymore. You have to be outstanding, amazing, monstrous! Hey, take your pick. You're a very talented wrestler, but you need more to compliment that. That's what we're here for. We're going to work on your look. Your look says a lot about you. It tells your fans if you'll sign an autograph, and shun them. Look at the Undertaker. Think about the way he dresses. He's not the type you just want to approach out of the blue. We on the other hand are two men you run to with open arms, but only if you're a woman. The women get that impression of us. Matt, demonstrate...
Matt stands and maneuvers through the tables occupied with people, and stands by the Dairy Queen within the mall, still in sight of Edge and Jeff. He just stands there, and Edge looks confused. Jeff lifts his hand, motioning Edge to just wait. Matt puts his arms out to his sides, and three young women rush him, hugging him, leaving a huge smile on his face. Jeff turns to Edge and shakes his head.
Jeff Hardy: Now you see my point. Are you ready?
Edge: Ready for what?
Jeff Hardy: You'll see...
The scene shifts to a Foot Locker, still within the mall. Here we find Matt and Jeff once again. As they search the clothes racks for the perfect outfit for Edge, he sits on a bench within the store, trying on a pair of the new Kevin Garnett Nikes. He looks up to the camera, which is locked on him, and also the Hardys talking to a young lady who works in the store in the background. He removes his shades, and says...
Edge: Changing me? I can respect that, but unfortunately for Kane and The Undertaker, my wrestling ability will not have any altercations. Why? I have no need for that. I mix a nice balance between grappling, brawling, and high flying. The diversity in my wrestling skill is flawless, and my ability to adapt in any environment or to any opponent is uncanny. This will be my greatest asset in my upcoming battle. This match is not just a match, but in my beliefs, the winner will be elevated to new levels. Actually, its one level, but it is superior to all others. This is the level that holds on the elite of the federation in singles competition. This is the level of the World Title. I want to achieve this goal. It's in my blood to hold the World Title, and I will achieve as soon as possible. It is possible for me to get closer to this goal by reigning victorious over my gothic opponents, The Undertaker and Kane. The Undertaker and Kane are the titans of this federation. Two of the largest men that have ever graced the ring. I mentioned that my adaptation skills will be my greatest asset, and now I will explain why. Kane and The Undertaker are nearly seven feet tall. I, on the other hand, am only a mere six feet, four inches. I don't have much girth. As a matter of fact, I am quite slender. Kane is rather large, and so is The Undertaker, yet compared to Kane, his size is second class. How can a wrestler my size compete with these men? He can't. How can Edge compete with these men? Simple, strike and dodge. In other words, I have the speed in this situation. I strike them with some of my stronger moves, then move out of their grasps in a moment's instant. And another thing, how can they hit what they can't catch? Throwing something?!
Edge laughs to himself as he continues to fit the shoes.
Edge: That'll be the day. Let's look at this in another way. I have been pushed straight into a family feud, by Vince McMahon. I can't complain. I asked him to book me in any match that he saw fit. I welcome this challenge. Anyway, we have two brothers, and their father at ringside. These two boys have been through a lot, but one thing remains. Kane hates his brother. Advantage: Edge. Kane will go after his brother and attempt to take him out, leaving me to pick them both apart as I see fit. In this match, I must watch out for the tactics of The Undertaker who is quite an intelligent man. Kane on the other hand will not be a threat in that regard. Paul Bearer can instruct him, but the messages must be simple for Kane to comprehend. In short, Paul can point to me, telling Kane to destroy me. Is this all I have to worry about? Yeah, I have everything else covered. I will walk away from Smackdown! with my first win, whether this is to the pleasure of Paul Bearer and his corrupted family or not. Actually, I don't care what they think. All that matters is what I think and what I want. I think, no, I know I win will tomorrow and I want to win tomorrow. Do they believe that I can be deprived from something I want?! Think again!
The scene shifts to the other side of the store where Matt and Jeff are having an argument over what clothes Edge should wear. Matt is holding a white, black, and silver Chicago White Sox jersey with black jeans, and a Chi-sox baseball hat. Jeff on the other hand is holding a blue jean jacket with matching blue jeans. They're both yelling at one another with the clerk in the middle of it.
Jeff Hardy: Why would he want to wear something like that, he's from Canada, and the White Sox suck!
Matt Hardy: Kiss my ass Jeff, this is a quality set of clothes here, but I can't say the same for the piece of crap set you have put together.
Edge jumps to his feet, and walks over to the Hardys. He steps in between them, getting their attention.
Matt Hardy: What, Edge?!
Edge: Get me both of them.
and Matt look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and proceed to purchase both
outfits, and Edge's new shoes. The scene shifts to Hardys
and Edge, who walk up to a rather large store, with electronics scattered all
around. They approach the front desk, and have a word with the clerk who
resembles Urkel in his suspenders and high watter pants that come to his
stomach. The Matt look around, the say.
Hardy: Yo, where's Slim?
Urkel: Slim? Oh you must mean Slim Shady alias Eminem. He's in the back, on
the toilet. Believe me, whatever you need, I can assist you just like him or
even better. So, are you looking for Magic Trading Cards, Pokemon action
figures, or Pokemon cards?
Hardy: You have got to be kiddin'. Look at us, do we look like nerds to you?
Of course not! Now, get Eminem out here before we give you a weggie from hell.
Urkel: Really, is such violence necessary? We're all good guys here, I
think. Violence is not the way. You should solve your problems with your wits
and not your brute strength.
pulls the white Urkel over the counter as Eminem steps from behind the door to
the storage area. He's in casual wear, sagging jeans with a blue jacket. He
pulls the white Urkel back over the counter, and sends him to the back. They all
share a laugh and hug. Then say...
Hardy: Man, it's been a while. Have you taken care of that little dispute?
The one where that girl accused me of being her baby's daddy, or the one where
the girl accused me of giving her a viral disease.
Hardy: Are accusations from the same girl?
Yeah and it's a lot of bs. Enough of that shit, what do you two want?
Hardy: Hook us up to the Virtual Reality thing. Last time we went in their,
we had a bad ass time. This time, we've brought a friend. His name's Edge.
Yeah, cool. But if you think you had a good time, check out my special
program with a bunch of bitches jumpin' around touching each other. It's a
beautiful thing man. Before I take you in there, what's up with Kid?
Hardy: Kid from Kid N Play, or Kid Rock.
Man, you know I don't give a damn about some tired ass rapper slash dancer.
For all I care, he could suck my giant cock. I'm talking about Kid Rock. I
haven't heard from him since we did Fuck Off together. Next time you see him,
tell him to stop by my store. We need to put a new track together.
Hardy: I don't know what's up with him. All I know is he said something
about tours, so he's probably knocking those out right now. And yeah, I'll tell
him you wanna talk to him. Now, with all that out of the way, lets get this show
on the go.
The Hardys and Edge, lead by Eminem, progress into the back of the store. The back area is very dark and has a somewhat eerie feel to it. However, this doesn't bother our heroes as they get in the elevator at the end of the room. The elevator takes them to the basement, restricted for Eminem's eyes only. On the way, Edge says...
Edge: What's the meaning of this? Why are we here?
Matt Hardy: Believe me, once you jump into this virtual reality thing, you'll never be the same. This will help you loosen up, trust me.
entire basement is lit with electronics, sex toys, fetish posters. Eminem jumps
right in the seat of his computer and begins to type as Jeff wonders off to one
of the doors in the basement. He opens it, only to reveal a trio of women in the
closet, tied up, whimpering. Jeff laughs at them, and slams the door. He walks
back over to Eminem who's still trying to prepare the machine and says...
Hardy: You're into a lot of illegal stuff man. What are those girls doin' in
Don't read into that man. I own those girls.
thinks to himself with a look of confusion. As Eminem finishes and tells them to
have a seat in the chairs to begin the Virtual Reality. They have a seat, and
Eminem explains some guidelines.
As you know, this stuff seems extremely real. So, you may want to avoid sexual
contact with any of the fair ladies in the program or risk gizzing all over
yourself and I'm not going to clean that shit up. It's not a pretty experience.
Here's something else you might want to watch out for and that's dying within
the system. The body cannot live without the mind, so if you think you're dead,
you're dead. Now, I don't have any other guidelines, so lets get to the
categories... Television, Space, Spider-Man, A bunch of naked bitches touching
each other, and Big Uns.
Matt Hardy: Let's leave this one up to the new guy... Edge.
Hmm... The television one is quite tempting. I always wanted to actually be
on television, like that movie "Stay Tuned" starring that Ritter guy.
Space is interesting too, but if I wanted to go to Mars, it wouldn't be as
realistic as I would like, because we haven't really had an actual human to
explore it, right? Spider-Man is my favorite superhero. Ah, he rocks! Naked
women? Whoo! Now that's tempting, but we're doing a segment here, not a porno.
Big Uns? Must be derived from the hit comedy, "Married With Children".
I'll pass. Lets do television
So write a fucking book, can we get on with this Matt?
Matt, and Jeff Hardy slide on the helmets. Five seconds later, they are flying
through a tube full of flamboyant colors. The trio begins to whirl around in
circles, enjoying the lack of gravity.
Hardy: This is better than drugs!
and Matt don't way a word until they're thrown into an office. From the looks of
it, it's a dentist or orthodontist office. Their are two beds, the the Hardys
are carefully placed on them.
Alright guys, you're in. Have fun playas. And by the way, normally, when you
turn the channel you use a remote to do it. Well, here you go. One thing my
friend, you must retrieve it from the doctor's bra. She's a freak, so have fun.
It's the only way you'll be able to change of scene to scene. Peace.
As he says this, and well endowed red head steps through the door in what seems to be a doctor's uniform, however the skirt comes to upper thigh. She places the clipboard on her desk, then looks up to the Hardys and Edge. She could easily stand up to models like Carmen, Pamela, and many others. There's no doubt about it, this doctor has got it going on. She has a surprised look on her face when she says...
Doctor: Well, I'm surprised three studs like you would need a lesson in sex education. From the looks of it, you three have probably had your fair share. Well, that just goes to show, you just can't judge a book by it's cover.
Edge: Hey, wait a second, I don't need this!
Jeff Hardy: I do!
Hardy: You would say something like that! God, you're such an embarrassment
Wait a second, what show is this? I mean we did pick television am I right?
This is Real Sex 18, aren't you two the male strippers that were hired to
play the part of the sick guys with sore balls?
Hardy: Umm... Yeah, yes we are! Look Doc, I propose that my little brother
and his little friend leave the room, so we can get this going.
doctor pushes Edge and Jeff out of the room and closes the door behind them. The
doctor straddles herself on top of Matt, and takes off her shirt. The remote is
strapped down by the bra to her back. She removes her pants, which leaves her in
only her lingerie. Matt quickly rips the remote off her back, unsnapping the
bra. The camera only gets a shot of her head. C'mon people, this isn't a porno
or an X-Pac sorry ass segment. Think!
Hardy: No sexual contact, no sexual contact...
presses the button for channel 126. They find themselves on the Home Shopping
Channel with two elderly ladies selling Rocker t-shirts. The phones are ringing
off the hook!
Hardy: I bet half of those calls are from The Dudleys, who just can't seem
to get enough of us. Whoa, is that a bible?
Hardy: It says Rockers on it. Oh yeah, this is Virtual Reality, but it
raises a very good point. We have just released our book. They are full of the
promising teachings of the Hardy Boys from topics about hate, love, the rich,
the poor, the haters, and the ballers. It's not a bible, but to our opposition,
it sure as hell better be.
clicks the remote, and Matt finds himself on a pulpit before a auditorium full
of illegal immigrants, homeless people, and drag queens. Matt is in a preachers
outfit, Edge is at the piano, and Jeff is in the choir. Matt begins to preach
from the book of the Rocker. However, before he does, he presses the button to
replace his crowd with a bunch of wrestlers, cheerleaders, models, and
Entire Choir: Lightweight Title?
Matt Hardy: I rest my case! Again! And then there's the other team, choir could you help me out.
Choir: I can't get you out of my heart!
Matt Hardy: Don't sing it! That song is almost as annoying as Three Count. Oh yeah, that's the team, right? Why has my confidence about winning this mach escalated? I'll tell you. This is the worst tag team in the WWF we're taking about here, Three Count. I've seen them wrestle. They were World Championship Wrestling's answer to the phenomenon known as The Rockers. Too bad, it didn't materialize. Can you guess why? We're one of a kind people. People will attempt to mimic us, but we'll never be duplicated.
Jeff takes a microphone, and begins to talk. Matt looks back at him with frown.
Jeff Hardy: I believe the names of these guys are Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and some other loser who we won't be wrestling. Obviously, in this situation, I don't give a damn about him, but if he wants to play the role of an interferer in this match, he had better think again. Edge will make his presence felt in a manner that none of you have ever experienced. If you truly want to try him, just interfere. I'll leave you with that but of advice. As for the guys we're going to be wrestling. Young men, if you try and sing your little hearts out like you do every time the public sees you, we'll rip your microphones away, and stick them straight up your asses! Listen to the fat ass in the audience guys, you are a trio of queers. That's the politically correct way of referring to your kind, correct? Hey, there's nothing wrong with being that way. I know lots of people like that. Sure I keep my distance and tell them if they ever touch me I'll kick their ass from here to San Francisco, but I don't have a problem with them just like I don't have a problem with you for that reason. Here's why I have a problem with you. You're in our way of winning a match. Even though you don't hold up a strong wall from preventing us from winning, you still stand in the way. Honestly, after we beat you, we'll never think of you again, 'til you cross our path for the second time, but after we beat you... Heh, you'll think of us for the rest of your pathetic professional wrestling careers. You'll think of us as the team that will stand in the way of you ever becoming anything close to great. Shady, we're out of time. Get me out of here!
Suddenly, the trio is warped out of out this world, and back to the real world. Edge gets our of his seat, jumping up and down, laughing with great excitement. Eminem runs over to him and hits him across the head and says...
Eminem: Cut that shit out! I have some expensive stuff in this room, and if you bust it up, I'll bust your ass!
Edge: You know what, kiss my ass!
The Hardys run up behind Eminem and hold him back as he fights to get a piece of Edge, who's taunting him and taunting him... The scene shifts for the last time to a line for the one of the movies within the Springfield Mall. Here find The Rockers with Edge, standing in line, talking about a few things. We find that the topic is their stable name, which just hasn't been that effective...
Matt Hardy: The name sucks! I told you, oh, how I told you. Both of you!
Jeff Hardy: Then what do you propose we do?
Matt Hardy: Change the name!
Matt Hardy: Nah, this is something we really need to do, Edge. Now, how about... Sudden Impact?
Jeff Hardy: Reckless Youth?
Edge: No, that's a wrestler, but it's a good stable name. Umm... I like Triple Threat.
Matt Hardy: Hell no! Let's... Let's call ourselves... The Rough Riders.
Jeff Hardy: No, the Ruff Ryders.
Matt Hardy: What's the difference?
Jeff Hardy: Look at the script.
Out of no where comes a packet of papers, and Matt catches it and takes a look...
Matt Hardy: Oh, the spelling! I see... Ruff Ryders it is.
Edge has his arms down to his side in anger as the Hardys shakes hands, the the scene fades...